According to psychologists, people remarry come into more thought. This means that they probably do not experience Mexican passions, but they try to learn the bad and good sides of their new elect or chosen one before deciding to live together. But still the fears of such people are not without reason and in trying number two a lot of pitfalls.
Unfinished romance
Marriage can disintegrate, and feelings can survive. In an unbalanced state, advice like "do not grieve" (spit, throw it out of your head), "find yourself another," is perceived as a guide to action, and almost the next day after the divorce, there begin a retreat, a meeting with any free-spy, hang in chats. Sometimes, in order to drown the heartache, a serious relationship is established with the first counter-"to spite him, a traitor."
According to psychologists, this behavior is incorrect. Replacement of one person with another is fraught with a "life of three". You will involuntarily compare partners - of course, not in favor of the second, unloved. In addition, the risk of transferring the model of past relations to a new union is great. Especially it is a mistake to marry out of vengeance - you will only make yourself worse. A hidden insult often results in psychosomatic diseases, for example, VSD, a state of apathy. Beloved love is also a way to addictions: from cigarettes and alcohol, social networks or computer games. So we try to get away from problems in another reality. Final relations should be experienced in order to get rid of previous feelings. No wonder they say: "Parting is a little death." You have to go through pain, give yourself the opportunity to be alone, cry, suffer. How long does it take? Someone and a month is enough, but someone will need several years. But it is very important to complete one meaningful relationship in order to start new ones. The main thing is not to obey (others), but listen (yourself). Children listen, and adults themselves make decisions and are responsible for their actions.
Help is needed
The second (third, fourth) husband - the same lover to drink, a deceiver or a reveler, like the first? You again pull everything on your hump, although the shadow of the former partner caused your divorce? Most likely, you have not divorced the problems of your childhood and your parents' family. Unfortunately, it's almost impossible to make this yourself. If a new marriage repeats the scenarios of past relationships - it makes sense to seek help from a psychologist or a psychotherapist. Without a specialist, you can not do and when feelings for the former can not be extinguished, and also if you are tormented by guilt, jealousy or resentment.
Guilt
Especially if this is you left the family, and the abandoned partner did not arrange his personal life.
In this situation, it makes sense to meet with the former and talk heart to heart. Perhaps his sorrows are just your fantasies, and he does not live too badly without you. But if a person really feels uncomfortable from loneliness, one can try to encourage him, for example, to praise him, to emphasize his best aspects (only without giving hope of his return). Do you want to introduce him to someone? Why not! Still, you are not strangers to each other people. The main thing is not to impose anything. Act only if he wants to take help from you. It is more difficult when feelings of guilt are felt in connection with the deceased spouse. This emotion is especially strong if the family had a warm relationship, and death happened suddenly. Samoedstvo can start from the mere thought of a new marriage or novel. Psychologists advise to start serious relations not earlier than three years after the loss. The psyche of people is so arranged that in the first year of widowhood a person still very sharply reacts to the dates and situations associated with the departed partner. In the second year the pain is dulled. And only for the third sad event begins to be perceived as a reality, with which one must reconcile. However, if grief is too long - it makes sense to turn to a therapist.
According to sociological research, most divorced men remarry within five years after the divorce. If, however, the one who has freed himself from marriage ties did not do this, there is little likelihood that he will create a family in the next two decades.
I want to, but I'm afraid
You can disperse, run away, and then experience a divorce for years. After all, what was most valuable to you, turns out to be meaningless. Like a cup, scattered into small pieces that can not be glued together. Because of these experiences, many divorced people have long been afraid to enter into a serious relationship.
Dream of a prince
But often we exaggerate the demands on the partner ourselves. For many, the first marriage does not teach at all that a person is not perfect. They marry again in firm confidence: this man certainly is not able to scatter socks but the room and never cross the threshold of the house without a bouquet of roses!
As a rule, to live with a prince, one must be the princess herself. That is, a woman consisting of the same virtues: smart, beautiful, talented, well-groomed, and excellent mistress, and best of all to take care of children, and make a career, earning a living ... And all this at the same time! Confess honestly: are you an ideal? Then why do you expect this from your chosen one?
Children's question Perhaps, one of the most important moments of the subsequent marriage is children from the first spouse. Women often make two major mistakes. Firstly, ladies are sure that a new husband should love their child no less than a real father. Secondly, it is not able to direct the relations of children - their own and the children of the new spouse - in the right direction.
It is necessary to clearly determine that you and your child are different people. Therefore, do not expect that your new spouse will love your child as if he were his own. Also, one can not assume that if a new husband does not have strong emotions for your offspring, then he does not feel to you either. Men rarely really love other people's children, that's their nature. And so your new spouse can only be a good stepfather for the child (read: friend and mentor). And all that you can demand from him is respect and kind attitude towards your son or daughter.
Ladies and gentlemen
And for the representatives of the weak half of humanity, and for the stronger sex, the second marriage is, secondly, the second number ... It is the will of the present spouse to compare with the former, and sometimes yearn for the past times, remembering the good things in them It was. But there are differences. Children, as a rule, stay with their mother. A man, in order to be able to communicate with his children, is forced to play by someone else's rules, adjusting to the court's decision or under the schedule of his ex-wife. Women are forced to coordinate the relationship between the child, his dad and his new husband so that the wolves are full, and the sheep are safe: no one is offended, not jealous or grieved. Show wisdom and delicacy. First, clearly regulate the time of communication between the former spouse and the child. With a timetable you will let him know that you now have your own personal life, and at the same time teach you to visit the baby regularly so that he does not feel deprived of dad's attention. Secondly, you should not ask the new spouse to become your son or daughter for the second time father. It is enough that he was a good stepfather.
Often, between successors from previous marriages, competition erupts, especially if they are about the same age. Everyone is jealous of his parent, seeking attention to himself. Children can even take revenge on each other. The older child also survives from the first marriage, when his brother or sister is born. He can feel you uncomfortable, offended, especially if his relationship with his stepfather is not established. (Mirror situation: you are a stepmother and have not yet found a common language with your husband's child.) Psychologists recommend that: before giving birth to a joint baby, pick up the keys to the hearts of the growing up, you need to talk with the child, preferably alone, to give him more time, to be interested in his hobbies, the music he listens to, and so on. By the way, gifts, even very expensive, do not count! If you can not achieve harmony, it is best to turn to a psychologist. And preferably sooner, until the conflict in your family has gone far.