What if the child does not obey his parents?

The older the child becomes, the more often he perceives the advice of the parents in bayonets or out of pure obstinacy goes against it. How to talk with children so they can hear you? One day something similar happens to each parent: you see how your child behaves in this or that situation, and understand that you can not help but interfere.

Your 8-year-old daughter runs around with her tail behind her friend, and she looks haughtily and does not seem to pay any attention to her. Or your 13-year-old son, who has always been a quiet domestic boy, suddenly tries to win the respect of classmates with the help of cigarettes, mat and endless conflicts with teachers. Is it worthwhile in such cases to advise children or give them the right to stuff themselves with bumps and learn from their own mistakes? And, if you decide to still talk, how to choose the right words, so that the child does not take offense, did not close and blame you for lagging behind and not understanding anything? What if the child does not obey his parents and what should he do?

To give advice, if you were not asked about it, is one of the most ungrateful occupations. But it is even more difficult to advise a child who, as if by a magic wand from his beloved, turned into an independent little person. Even yesterday he could not live for several days without you, and today he demands that you stop kissing him on the street and roll your eyes every time you try to share life's wisdom. Someone of this kind of independence can manifest themselves in 8 years, and someone not earlier than 14. But in any case, this will be an unpleasant surprise for parents. Independence is always a stumbling block in the relationship of parents with an adult child. And, if in response to trying to talk heart to heart, you get irritated sighs, screams and even slamming the doors, you know: you are not alone. But, even if children are struggling to be independent and live their minds, it is during adolescence that they need the support of their parents most of all. Every day they learn something new about the structure of this world. They have to make difficult decisions that relate to friendship, first love, relationships with adults. And only parents can give the necessary advice. The main thing is to do it so that the child hears you.

Leave criticism with yourself

The problem Psychologists often repeat: if you want the interlocutor to hear you, you need to talk calmly and without showing negative emotions. This means that in your words there should be no offense, no anger, no accusations, no criticism. Believe me, even a 5-year-old child can easily be distinguished by intonation, mum is angry with him or not. What to say about adolescents! Another thing is that it is very difficult to talk calmly, when you repeat the same words hundreds of times, and the result is zero. Anna, the mother of 12-year-old Artem: "A year ago we moved, and Theme went to a new school. In the old he was an excellent student, his teachers loved him and forgave him many liberties. He, for example, wears long hair, dresses in a sporting style and is generally very independent. In the new school, he quickly found a common language with the guys, but with the class teacher at once, the same problems began. Because of her long hair and rapper pants, she wrote him into hooligans. Estimates after the first quarter were indicative: the foursome in Russian, algebra and geometry, and according to his favorite story (which is just the class teacher) - three points. And this despite the fact that he really tried! But what was dropped from the old school in the old school, here was the cause of the problem - he forgot the notebook, said something to the sharp teacher, then "expressed his opinion", instead of answering the assignment. For all this he was reduced marks. I have told my son many times that you need to be more modest, more polite, and considerate to teachers. It's all useless. But on vacation after the first quarter we went to rest, and I finally found the right approach. Said something like this: "Try to put yourself in the teacher's place and look at the new student from the side. This guy has long hair, his trousers are wide and hang so low that underpants can be seen from underneath. Teachers do not yet know whether he is studying well, but have already realized that he has his own tough opinion on all issues. How would you take the adults to this guy? "Artem looked at me angrily, and then he said:" Okay, I'll think about it. " It was progress, because before he even, and did not want to hear anything! And after our return miracles began: the son went to the hairdresser and - no, he did not cut his hair short, but at least trimmed his hair. He began to wash them every other day. He asked me to buy new pants for school. And in early December, the class teacher had a birthday, and the son gave her a gift. Apparently, he behaved differently in school. At the end of the second quarter, the classroom called me and said that I have a lovely boy, that under the influence of the collective he has changed before his eyes, she sets him a four in history, but if so, she will be five.

The lesson you need to learn

In a difficult situation, you, most likely, will be tempted to put pressure on the child, because adults know better! But this can not be done. Best of all, if you succeed in sowing doubts in the child's mind: am I doing the right thing? If the child thinks about it, then, perhaps, he will make the right decision. And - which is very important - it will be his own decision, not imposed by adults. And remember some simple rules of conversation: children hardly perceive long and abstract conversations about life. If you want the schoolboy to hear you and take note of the advice, speak briefly, clearly and let know that you do not blame him.

Allow the child to make a decision

Discuss the options, and even if the daughter offers something that obviously seems wrong to you (get up half an hour later and get ready for school in 10 minutes), let her try for a week. It is difficult for parents to look at how children make mistakes. But sometimes mistakes are simply necessary to draw the right conclusions. If the daughter tries to do it in her own way and makes sure that this does not work, next time she will listen more carefully to your words.

At the right time, in the right place

If you manage to unobtrusively write your advice in a weekday conversation, the chances that you will be heard increase by several times. Pay attention to when your child is most often set up with you to talk. Someone hurries to share impressions right after school, someone likes to talk before going to bed, and someone finds the strength for this only on the weekend. If the issue to be discussed is very important, wait until both of you are calm. Children are very sensitive to the emotional state of adults, and irritation only prevents you from thinking clearly. When the passions are heated, it is better to wait a couple of days. During this time you will calm down and be able to objectively look at the situation. And only after that start to discuss what happened.