If you are lucky enough to be born with such a caring mother, you do not have to worry about anything at all. She will come with temperature across the city to bring you steam cutlets and a Napoleon homemade cake, just to please your dear daughter. In a word, it is very pleasant and useful when there is a woman near you who is ready to sacrifice herself for your own good. But if you treat yourself to such a category of sacrificial women, then the situation is not so rosy. We tried to find out what leads to selfishness and altruism.
The inclination to excessive altruism has a psychological background: it is believed that those who are ready to forget about themselves to please others, suffer from a deep inferiority complex and dislike for themselves. After all, if kindness to others turns out to be real cruelty towards oneself, it is a signal that it's time to think. If in the first class to ask the question: "Who among you runs faster than everyone?" - All hands will raise their hands without exception. Everyone will want to express their abilities and demonstrate them to others. But, if you ask the same question in high school, most likely no one will raise his hand. The guys will not do it for fear that they will be laughed at by their classmates, that they will be condemned for boasting and the desire to stand out. Especially it concerns girls who already in 13-14 years closely watch "that to not seem better than others". Television, books, newspapers and magazines persistently drive girls to the idea that "good girls" are modest, quiet, sacrificial creatures, flaming with altruism, who first think about others and only then about themselves. Behind beautiful words and good intentions, the stories of deeply unhappy women who for many years fulfill the whims of their husband, children, parents, mother-in-law are often hidden, but they never dare to talk about what they need themselves. Think about what women's qualities are most often considered worthy of admiration. Women are inherently inclined to join forces and work in a team. This is fine - as long as you get a well-deserved reward for your contribution to the common cause. Women are able to sensitively build relationships and make compromises - altruism is to blame. Too good - but only if you do not agree to go on about the others, just to avoid conflict. Women are more caring and sensitive than men. And this in itself is wonderful - if you do not put the interests of people around you above all, completely ignoring your own needs. All these qualities are encouraged by society and often put us in a rather difficult position. After all, it turns out that if you are not ready to sacrifice yourself, are you not good enough? Some psychologists call the woman's reaction to such pressure from the society "socially approved self-destruction".
But, of course, not all women forget about their interests for the sake of altruism. So what do they know about life, which is unknown to their less fortunate friends? First of all, such a woman knows her own worth. She knows that she has certain obligations to her family, her children, her husband, her parents and her employer, but she does not forget that she has her own destiny in this world. She can ask and take advice and help from relatives, she requires a well-deserved reward for what she does. At work and at home, she is able, thus, to build boundaries so that her interests are not forgotten. She accepts the praise and admiration without embarrassment, but at the same time realizes that not everyone will like her and her actions. Would you like to become such a woman? Then learn to avoid the destructive traps that you are preparing public opinion.
Trap # 1
You allow others to receive a reward for your services. You and your colleague successfully completed the joint project, but then she tells the authorities about this as her own achievement. And you, instead of saying your weighty word, be silent for fear of appearing as an upstart. Is something like this happening to you? Perhaps the reason is that you are deeply convinced: "good" women should be modest, share and cooperate. But you want to be good! If this is really the case, you need to learn to declare your achievements. After all, in order for the bosses to appreciate your contribution, it is not necessary to belittle colleagues made. On the contrary, it is possible to draw the chief's attention to the successful ideas of colleagues and their equally successful incarnation. But do not forget to mention your own merits. Perhaps the fact is, you do not consider yourself worthy of praise and reward? Then you need to work on self-esteem. Try to assess your opportunities in a way that you would appreciate an outsider. At work, create an "achievement file". Write down there your good ideas that you managed to apply, profitable projects that you implemented, keep letters from grateful customers (and do not forget to forward these letters to your superiors). Such a "board of honor" will cheer you up when necessary. Such files can be made for private life.
Trap # 2
You do not demand worthy pay for what you are doing. Often socially approved self-destruction does not allow you to demand a decent salary or raise it. You think, "What am I better than others?" - or: "Others are also trying, so why should I raise my salary?" If you are keeping a file of professional achievements, you know perfectly well what you are better than others and why worthy of more. Many managers admit that they do not respect employees who are willing to work for miserable money for a long time without demanding an increase or promotion. If you do not value yourself, others will not appreciate you.
Trap # 3
You allow yourself to be humiliated. Perhaps you are trying hard to avoid conflict. Or maybe you are afraid that your offender will be right and put you in front of others a total nonentity. In any case, you need to learn to respond to humiliating comments with dignity. If you hear something insulting at home or at work, first of all do not raise your voice. Speak calmly and try to have as few emotions in your words as possible so that they do not have any offense, fear, or ingratiating. An ideal response to any mocking remark will be the question: "Why are you telling me this?" - or: "Please specify: what exactly led you to such conclusions?" Of course, colleagues or friends can assure that they were just joking. But the question posed calmly and seriously, will make them either shut up, or take a more responsible attitude to what they say.
You yourself belittle your dignity
Self-esteem is a quality that brings little joy to a person. Thinking of yourself as an insignificant being, not worthy of joy and happiness, you really become just that. Psychologists suggest using this method. Wear a simple rubber bracelet under your clothes and every time you have pejorative thoughts in your head, pull the elastic band slightly. And after that, replace the negative message with a positive one. You just thought: "Well, I again disgraced myself!" Change the point of view: "I am a very creative person and I know how to think outside the box. This time the thought turned out to be not very successful, but mistakes only add to my experience! "At first such a technique may seem artificial, but in time you will get used to thinking of yourself more favorably and believing in yourself. Make your dignity (for example, the ability to persuade) work for you, not against.