Why are we afraid of loneliness?

It would seem, what kind of loneliness can there be? Often it is difficult for us to take a moment to remain alone with our ego. But paradoxically, modern life does not unite people, but, on the contrary, it multiplies singles. Daily fuss and traffic jams leave less and less time for live communication, and gadgets replace friends, social networks only mimic affinity. All this makes us feel more isolated. Interrupted communication
Man is an animal social, that's why he feels discomfort from being alone. Evolutionally we are accustomed to it, and it's calmer, to be in a group - to collect food together, to feel protected in case of an attack of enemies. And the fear to remain abandoned from there: for a long period of human development, one who was left alone could not survive ... In addition, both men and women have an innate motivation aimed at creating a family and giving birth to offspring. This is the norm, and deviations from it are caused by personality traits of a person or by psychological traumas received by them in childhood or in adulthood.

Usually a person experiences loneliness on two levels: emotional and psychological. With emotional solitude, we feel a deep immersion in ourselves, we are haunted by a sense of uselessness, abandonment, emptiness. With psychological solitude, the level of social interaction with the world is reduced, and the usual communication ties are broken. The feeling "I'm alone" is manifested primarily as a need to be included in a certain group or to be in contact with someone. We are experiencing painful dissatisfaction with these needs. As physiological pain protects us from physical dangers, loneliness also works as a "social pain" - in order to protect a person from the threats that lead to isolation. It can be a clue that you need to change behavior, pay more attention to relationships. Researchers at Boston University found that if a person begins to feel abandonment and abandonment, then he begins to actively work the same parts of the brain as when they receive physical damage. In this regard, it became clear that the human brain is giving the same alarm signals in response to emotional and physical pain.

Salvation in communication
If we try to describe the feelings that we experience alone, it turns out that we are talking about a condition very reminiscent of death. Loneliness for us is nothing more than a metaphor for dying. We experience an inner emptiness, a loss of meaning and interest in life, because there is nothing left that could ignite, saturate something important. To some extent, isolation is psychologically experienced as death. It's no wonder that we treat loneliness as something heavy, hopeless - it contains existential horror, as if we are already in a grave, where it's dark, quiet, there's nobody and nothing but you.

Sigmund Freud studied solitude precisely because it is directly related to the fear of death. He believed that people are afraid not so much to die as to become lonely. With death, consciousness ceases to exist, but the state of isolation, in which we still think, but we are all alone, cares much more. The only way to avoid this is to communicate, thereby confirming your existence. Such self-affirmation is simply necessary for the psyche to function normally, but if it is not there, a deep fear arises.

It is difficult to imagine, but in a person's life there is a period when he does not feel lonely. According to psychoanalysis, this occurs in childhood, at the very beginning of ego formation: the child experiences a feeling of merging with the environment - an "oceanic feeling". As soon as we start to think, understand our present situation in the world, become "hopelessly" alone - and try to overcome it through communication. According to psychologists, the fear of loneliness by and large has a positive function - it makes us keep in touch with each other. And if you look more globally - it unites society as a whole.

Mom, do not worry.
We can live in a large family and still feel an acute isolation from others. But there are among us those who do not suffer too much from loneliness. What is the reason for such "immunity"? The great psychological stability of these people is attached to the fact that their inner world is inhabited by images and figures of significant close ones - they help to brighten the minutes, hours and days that a person can spend outside of someone's society. We are sure that these "objects" sitting inside - for example, a caring, supportive mother, - will never leave us.

Maturity and the ability to isolate means that the baby, with the appropriate care of him from the mother, reinforces the belief in the benevolent attitude of the external environment. This image of Inner Mom, which later will be for us a guiding star, a support and support in difficult moments of life, it is laid down even in early childhood. We build our world on the basis of real experience. If the real mother was sufficiently caring, responsive, emotionally supported, was nearby, when we broke her knee, consoled, when getting a deuce in school - then her image and take inside. And when it becomes bad, we can turn to him and draw strength from him. Usually we turn to this figure and in a bad mood, and when things go worse than ever. We can say that thanks to this figure, we take care of ourselves every day.

Quite differently, the inner self is constructed among those who, during the first months of their life, felt infantile abandonment. Instead of a caring mother, such a person has an inner emptiness. According to scientists, the experience of being a baby alone in the presence of his mother positively affects how he will later perceive his abandonment.

In fact, people are afraid not so much of loneliness as such, how much depression, isolating from within. In this state, we seem to lose our Inner Mother and begin to feel deep loneliness, total abandonment and lack of love.

Exit the circle
If society as a whole fears loneliness is beneficial, then the individual experience is sometimes too painful. The risk of being in a closed circle is great, when the fear of isolation provokes an even greater separation. She can talk to us, for example: "Do not go on dates, you will still be abandoned, again you will remain alone" or "Do not make friends - they will betray you." Listening to the voice of our fear, we ignore the need for communication, gaining emotional affinity with the partner.

When you feel lonely, it does not mean that something really is wrong with you. But we are not aware of this and begin to think that "unsuitable", "worthless". And it happens that lonely people fall into the other extreme: they do everything possible to make friends, to gain a sense of belonging. This is a very painful experience, quite capable of nullifying all efforts to overcome isolation. Often loneliness is expressed through anger, aggression and resentment that only separates the person from others.

If the fear of loneliness turns into an obsession, you can try to cultivate a territory on which fears do not survive. This means to restore, calculate the output, give access to the manifestation of love, humor, trust and concern for the near.

To feel lonely in the absence of contacts filled with meaning is normal. In the current society, increased demands for the establishment and support of relations. Only the recognition of loneliness as an integral part of human existence can direct energy to resolve the situation, rather than suffering from it. Accepting yourself without condemnation is the first and most correct step.