A novel with a married man ... For some, this is a taboo, and for others, an affair with a hero connected by the bonds of Hymenyum turns literally into an end in itself. Sabina Safarova studied the peculiarities of the psyche of hunters for someone else's good.
If it were not for investigative psychotherapists, we would never have learned that among us, under the guise of innocent sheepskins, the real wolves-hunters behind married men-wander. Perhaps this phenomenon attracted close attention only when people began to actively resort to psychotherapeutic help. After all, psychologists had to deal with the "hunters" themselves, and with their victims. And even with husbands caught between two fires.
Thus, it became possible to talk about the typical features of these complex love triangles. Moreover, there was even some statistics. It turned out that about 10% of the fair sex representatives prefer married men. Of these, three-fifths need only married women and no others. And this means that the remaining 90% should keep an eye out.
Only chops
Lovers of men are not free - not always classic vamp. Let's leave these images to the world of entertaining fiction, because in life everything is more prosaic. "One of my first clients, a girl of twenty-seven years old, call her N., came to the reception under the pressure of girlfriends," says the psychotherapist and sexologist, Professor Alexander Poleyev. - According to N., all her life she had novels exclusively with married men, who were not going to get divorced. Girlfriends were worried that N. (in all other vital issues the girl is practical and sensible) ruins her life. N.N. admitted that she would like to meet with a free man, but such admirers did not "evoke her feelings" and as potential partners she did not perceive them. "
Many "hunters" do not believe that they are able to adequately assess the partner. They are calmer when another woman "appreciates" a man, marrying him.
As often happens, the feet of this problem grow from childhood. "Practice shows that often lovers of married men were brought up by a single mother who was not too affectionate with them," explains Professor Poleyev. - Later, from conversations with such matured girls, it becomes clear that many have painfully perceived the absence of their father in their lives. Those who grew up in complete families complained about cold, detached parents. " According to my interlocutor, many of these women admitted that they do not understand and even are afraid of men. And, as a consequence, do not believe in their ability to evaluate a partner. They are calmer when his place in the male hierarchy is determined by another woman, becoming his wife.
ALENA, 28 YEARS
"I have been living with a man for a year, who left for the sake of our love from the family. And it's very hard. He left everything to his wife and children, and we begin our life practically from scratch. His ex-wife used to not work and only deal with daughters. And he, experiencing a sense of guilt, which she skillfully warms up, tries to do everything to maintain their standard of living at the same height. Often at the expense of our relations. When I try to show him that she often just manipulates him, he explodes. My beloved's mother does not talk to me practically, because I offended her granddaughters, took my dad away from them. At the same time, we can not start our children. It hurts his daughters, and our new budget will not survive the new financial obligations. But I'm still very happy that we are finally together. But sometimes I feel very keenly how his former family densely wall between us. "
"The women we are talking about, the heightened need for male protection and the" restoration "of their father's role in their lives," says psychoanalyst Maria Suvorova. In any way they try to get what they lack in childhood, so they become attached to socially and psychologically prosperous men who are usually older. Not surprisingly, in the vast majority of cases, those are married. "Despite the apparent deceit, in fact, such women are extremely vulnerable," Maria Suvorova said. - Actually, even for this reason they are afraid to meet and create alliances with their peers, who are sometimes unbalanced and unstable. In addition, it is in marriage that the spouses mutually train each other. Women learn to be persistent, more self-confident. Men unconsciously learn the lessons of softness and flexibility. That is, choosing a married man, and preferably also having a child, these "unmarried girls" get a man more seasoned, caring and understanding. "
Wedding ring is not a simple decoration
There is also something that clearly unites our "hunters". Unlike most women who, in order to reveal themselves sexually, take time, these girls "blossom" in bed almost instantly. And at a fairly young age - often up to twenty years. However, as it is easy to guess, provided that the partner is married. "It's amazing that with my men and family not burdened, many of my clients showed frank frigidity," said Alexander Poleyev. - That is, their sexuality existed according to the principle: all or nothing. And this "all" - only with a man married. " It's as if two different women live in the same body. One is unusually temperamental, the other is puritanically restrained. As soon as our heroine meets a man with a ring on a ring finger - the first one wakes up. For all other applicants, she is more than stingy for emotions. Some experts consider such strict selectivity to be a real sex deviation.
American researchers measured the degree of sexual arousal of women who participated in a number of experiments, not only by studying their personal self-esteem, but also by dispassionate electronic methods: from a lie detector to an electroencephalogram with computer processing. And the figures obtained by contact with the "object of passion" and other, unmarried partners, differed about a hundred times. It is quite appropriate to draw a parallel with fetishists who do not experience with a woman and a hundredth part of the pleasure that they feel when they squeeze the desired object of her toilet in her hands. But it is such a reaction, when one stimulus causes a storm of passion, and all the others do not touch in any way, and forms the basis of sexual deviation - super-selectivity. In this case, the role of the fetish is performed by the wedding ring on the hero's finger.
OLGA, 29 YEARS
"In my life there have been two novels with married men. Well, what can you do? None of us is immune from this. In life, it is not always possible to act impeccably and correctly, if you do not want to deny yourself the expression of living emotions and feelings. Both novels were cut off for various reasons. But it was not because the men were married. Rather, it was obvious in both cases - we are not the people who are destined to be together. But if I felt that this is my man, then the presence of his wife and even children would not have stopped me. I do not believe that it is only on a sense of duty that one can build a full-fledged relationship, let alone raise a happy child. Such a false mercy as a result acts only destructively. "
And yet they are different
Studies of American psychotherapists Robin Norwood and Patrick Carnes also revealed another important feature. Lovers of family men are clearly divided into two groups: some want to get married, others do not. In the first case, everything is in order, if not with moral principles, then at least with logic and sequence of actions. They are trying to win in a kind of battle with the "crowned heroine" - his wife. And by all truths and fouls take her throne. "Such women seek to marry a chosen one, set themselves this goal and achieve it," notes Robin Norwood. -I do not get tired of being amazed at their self-control and perseverance. After all, relationships with a married person in many cases are associated with inconveniences and even humiliation: he spends the weekend with his family, visits are rare and at any moment can be cut off. But they suffer everything. And if most other women suffer from this at least, then my clients, on the contrary, are magically cured of depression. It is during these periods of life that they feel an extraordinary emotional uplift and excitement. "
Relations with a married man are often associated with inconveniences, but "hunters" difficulties only give strength and excitement.
However, when our heroine still marries, especially if the elected one is older, more experienced and the relationship in the couple is really close, it is transformed. The former self-doubt, the feeling of lack of love, which she suffered before the novel, completely disappears. "Using this marriage as a nostalgic children's merry-go-round and" gaining "much of what they did not receive as a child, my clients began to suddenly grow up," says the therapist Patrick Karnes. "After two years of successful marriage, they were not the fragile and emotionally vulnerable people I knew before. They changed and quite successfully got rid of their children's problems. Moreover, after some time they might well have new sympathy among peers. And unmarried. Sometimes such repeated love came so far that women themselves left their own, hard-won husbands who had once been conquered. "
It turns out, taking advantage of a married man as a magic potion, our heroine is cured of her addiction. And, like a fairy princess, awakened from a witch's sleep by an active prince, begins a new life. From now on, she does not need an extraneous woman to confirm the importance of the chosen hero, marrying him once-she will do it herself. And spiritual wounds to heal often have already left husbands. However, this is a completely different story.
MARINA, 26 YEARS
"Yes, I had novels with married men. But I would say not from a good life. Let's face it: in our country, a clear demographic bias towards women. Men simply do not have enough, and it's no wonder that someone worthy, falling in the field of your vision, is married. In general, if you focus only on men who are free, there is a risk of remaining alone. It sounds cynical, but it's true. Of course, ideally, I would like to have a partner already divorced, and even better not at all burdened by a family. I really hope for such a meeting. But the main thing for me is still a mutual feeling. "
runaway Bride
Along with the girls-hunters, pursuing ringed men as the most desired game for themselves, there is another category of lovers married. Life with his chosen one under one roof does not tempt them at all, not to mention marriage. That's why a married man, they say, is on hand. "It's about a special stock of character, which we call psychostension," says Alexander Poleyev. - It is based on increased psychoemotional exhaustion. And this has nothing to do with closeness or lack of self-confidence. Often, psychostenics are cute and even sociable people who only a little more than others need their own, never broken space. " For the sake of justice, it must be said that in the natural lottery of the characters of psychostaining, women get less often than men (4-5% versus 12-13%). It is women-psychosthenic women most often need long romances with married men, since such situations knowingly exclude the possibility of cohabitation. "This is often an unconscious choice," emphasizes the psychoanalyst Maria Suvorova. - A woman simply feels that living together with a man, taking care of him, constant communication is too much for her. And the connection with a married man allows you to escape from the classical model of relations in a guest marriage. "
"In our society, an unmarried woman from a certain age begins to look with suspicion. And then the affair with a man already burdened with a family turns out to be a wand-a rescue, - believes Alexander Poleyev. - The argument "I love him and do not want to be with anyone else, even if it's impossible to be with my beloved" in our tradition, with her cult of feminine fidelity, is not criticized.
It is also interesting that in women, unlike men, psychosis has the property of passing by the age of 30-35 years ".
However, now these women are much less likely to attempt on busy men. And thank you here it is necessary to say first of all the guest marriage, in which the partners do not have to live together.
And then what?
"Hunters" encroach on the relationship that they no longer cherish. They, like a tired beast, have been limping for a long time, and therefore very vulnerable.
Whatever the case, the above-described stories rarely have a happy ending, when everyone, including the one whom a man leaves in the name of a new relationship, is satisfied. As a rule, both the deceived wife and the mistress suffer, and the man himself is in an unenviable position. And, as dispassionate statisticians say, usually such adulters end up not in favor of the mistress. What do those who are entangled in these tangles do? The fact that most of us do not particularly like it - to soberly and honestly assess their lives, as my interlocutors call. Girls whose romances with unfree men are becoming a persistent tradition, it is necessary to realize that they first rob themselves. Thus, the right to make the main choice, that is, the first to marry a chosen one, is given to another woman in advance. And they deprive themselves of the opportunity to find a person with whom you can just happily live together, not wanting to see those who are not yet married due to an "unfortunate" coincidence.
We all need to remember that the "hunters" are some kind of orderlies of the forest. If we continue the analogy, then they try, first of all, on the relations that others have ceased to really value. And they, like a tired beast, have been limping for a long time, and therefore are especially vulnerable.
KATYA, 31 YEARS
"I have always felt distrust of men who, before they reached the age of thirty, were never married. In fact, they are eternal wolves-singles: they simply do not cherish relationships. They do not need a family, children, or responsibility. Living with a man who left you for family sake is also not sugar: anyway, the ex-wife continues to be the mother of his children, and no one took responsibility for these children from him. But I'm still closer to a man who is not afraid of this responsibility. And children from the previous marriage for me is not a hindrance. "
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