In search of landmarks
"I just can not stop: I again and again ask Andrew about his former life. I want to know everything about him! "Admits 34-year-old Inga, who married three years ago. The inquiries about the past are dictated primarily by the natural desire to know the other person better - to get closer to understanding what he really is. And rejoice at the opportunity to appreciate the partner, including for his dissimilarity towards us. It is also important for us to understand what he experienced, what he did, how he guided, choosing his former partners, and for what reasons they broke up. All this, it seems, helps to assess how much we fit together. Make sure that we are a really good couple ... or to get stronger in doubts. But when interest in the life of a loved one becomes too intrusive, when it is difficult to cope with your curiosity, this may mean: in his past you are looking for something that would allow us to feel more confident. The feeling of love gives rise to anxiety, so we unconsciously look for some kind of landmark, which must be checked. And his role for some of us is played by the partner's past. It seems, if you find out how he lived before, find out what and whom, she loved, then you can understand how he or she will live on and that he will love tomorrow. But this assumption is just our fantasy, because the new love is not like the old one. Between the lovers there is a unique alchemical reaction, over which they are not powerful, and the past, alas, can not say anything about their present or the future.
A sign of uncertainty
"After graduate school, I worked for two years on a contract abroad. And until now, it is worth mentioning this, my husband will certainly sigh with vexation. We have been married for 20 years, but he seems to still be jealous of me to my past, by the time I lived without him, "says 52-year-old Alexandra with a smile. For some, as for Alexandra's husband, it is important to own one's own love. And it's hard to recognize that a loved one can enjoy himself on his own, as well as overcome the conviction that he, like his past, must completely belong to the partner. I think that such a reaction is, first of all, a sign of insecurity in relations. Maria rather flattered her husband's annoyance: jealousy of her past.
When it is better to keep silent about the past
Is it always worth to satisfy the curiosity of a partner? There are cases when it is better to evade the answer.
• We do not coincide completely with another person and we have the right of available space. This separation is part of our attractiveness to the other. When something is hidden, there is a sense of mystery, a desire to unravel it. And when everything is open and accessible, the mystery disappears.
• If the partner asks us too aggressively, sometimes there is an instinctive desire to close, not to answer. In this case, it makes sense to clarify what exactly he wants to know and why. Maybe for both of us it will be more useful to talk about our relations in the present than to delve into the past.
• Do not answer questions about our lives, if the response is bothering us: for example, a partner does not respond well to our friends or relatives, condemns our actions. By allowing someone to depreciate their past, we lose some of ourselves. Conversely, if our story grieves the partner - for example, he seems to himself worse than someone from our past - this is also an excuse next time to remain silent. If we are still touching a topic that is painful for a close person, it is important to emphasize (by words or touch) how much it is dear to us.
Generosity is required
Some women are against having their new spouse meet children from a previous marriage. Some men demand that their partner burn all the bridges that connect her with the old family. In doing so, they are trying to strengthen their family ... but they risk coming to the opposite result. Their demands are destructive, because the break with their past always gives rise to a strong internal tension that can lead to depression. "I think I could not love a man who speaks ill of his past life," thinks 45-year-old Regina, who has been living with a new companion for the past two years. "Although, to be honest, it sometimes makes me hard to listen to how my beloved talks about some pleasant moments - for example, about how he has good relations with children. Especially since we have no children. " Well, if passion does not want to know anything about the past, then the mature relationship in the pair, on the contrary, is based on its acceptance and respect for it. To save your love, without generosity and tolerance can not do.
The flow of memories
"My partner worked in a theater company, they toured all over Europe, but by the time we met, his career had ended unsuccessfully," says Veronika, 40, with ten years of family life behind her. - And now, we need to get acquainted with some new people, as he begins to talk non-stop about how happy he was then. As if our present life is completely empty and uninteresting! "One should not lose sight of the fact that jealousy is a play for two. If the partner returns to his past all the time, emphasizing that everything was better before, the natural reaction of the other is an insult that can not at all speak of his jealous nature. In the end, if a person who lives with us always makes it clear that he has already seen everything and has experienced everything before us, it's just annoying. Where does this boast come from? When there is a crisis in the relationship, some start looking back, sighing about their former life, and sometimes embellishing it. Behind such behavior, an indirect reproach to the partner may hide: a person thinks about whether their relations are good enough. Otherwise, why do memories suddenly start to fill his whole life? "When we compare the past with the present, the present usually loses - because the past is easy to idealize, with it we are free to do anything. And the present is confronting us every day with new situations.
Past Wounds
Often, when we are jealous, a little girl or boy awakens in us, as we once were. They always live inside of us and only wait for an excuse to manifest themselves. Unconsciously, some of us like to take care of old wounds: such people experience almost masochistic pleasure when child rivalry awakens, the eternal question: "Who does mom and dad love more?" Such a person since childhood considers himself so unattractive that he is always afraid that he will be disliked , and is convinced that his partner, no matter what happens, will always prefer him to his past life. But with such a low self-esteem, no partner can give him sufficient self-confidence. Only work on yourself will help to cope with deeply hidden anxiety.
Erotic charge
"I can not help myself! We have been married for eight years, but even now I happen to wake my husband to ask how he had it with others, "admits 34-year-old Arina. Many people experience excitement, imagining their partner with someone else. Asking about the details, we immerse the partner in erotic memories, which in themselves are a powerful sexual stimulus: he (she) re-experiences his desire and transfers it to us. Even if we are jealous - and this is almost always so, - it is the ambiguity of the experience, in which both challenge, competition, and sensual attraction are combined, gives the relationship an extra edge.
Understand and rethink
"Albina's ex-husband was a non-poor man," says 36-year-old Konstantin. "We have been together with her for six years, and all this time I'm jealous of her - not to him, but to the material well-being that he provided to her. She moved to me with some priceless utensils. In each plate, as if already lay a reproach for me. I realized this later, and so little by little these plates just slipped from my hands, until nothing was left from the service! Thank God, we had a sense of humor over this just to laugh. " Humor is one of the best antidotes from quite understandable jealousy to the partner's past. He always helps to look again at the situation without prejudice. It seems that in this case the "priceless utensils" served as a kind of expiatory sacrifice: Constantine transferred her feelings to her - and was freed from them along with the plates. Having discovered this relationship, the couple laughed together: such moments of mutual understanding are a great way to accept the past of a loved one.