This does not always give results. Child development: a sense of shame, initiative is the main theme of our article.
There are twins for you!
To the aunt Katya at the dacha came nieces Vick and Julia. They are twins, only mother can distinguish girls from each other. In this case, the six-year-old sisters are in many ways different people. For example, they behave differently if they commit reprehensible acts. I draw your attention to the fact that shame, the ability to be ashamed, are not innate. There are people who are proud of what most other people are ashamed of (say, the ability to steal). There are also those who are not ashamed (of course, there are few such "shameless") .The ability (or inability) to be ashamed directly depends on the person's idea of himself: the so-called "I-concept." Every person older than 3-4 years has such a view. First, we imagine what kind of person is good, respectful, and which is bad. It's "I'm perfect." Secondly, we have an opinion about ourselves: how much do we match the ideal? It's "I'm real." Most people consider themselves fully consistent with the Ideal of Man. That's why they live in a relative world with themselves. Everyone has a sense to shame only for such actions, which do not correspond to his own ideas about himself. Adults often do not understand this. They have their own idea of what a child should be like. So they are ashamed of him for his incompatibility with this idea. But is it in the child itself?
Praise is always right?
Perhaps the parents of children 2-3 years and older noticed that their kids crave a variety of achievements and they want the adults to appreciate these achievements. Merit children can consider anything.
Why is it so important for the child?
A person has an inborn need for self-esteem. That is, we all want to feel strong, skilled, intelligent. Real People who are respected and appreciated by others. However, the kid does not know yet what will be respected for him, and for which he does not. For that generally respect a person? He learns about this from adults. About what he himself, he also learns from adults. So the children try: will they praise me for this? And for that? And if praised, and regularly, then the kid is sure: this is good behavior. Children under 3 years should almost always be praised: to increase self-esteem crumbs, to strengthen his self-confidence. Only with constant praise for the same thing for several days does the baby get the idea that this behavior is correct. So a very small child does not yet have a clear "I-concept." There is no idea of what a real person should be like and what he is like.This is the view that must first of all be formed, and it is formed in accordance with our model of behavior : how we treat the child, how we want to see it, why we praise it, for what it is not, how we evaluate its actions or the behavior of other people., The way we behave ourselves, the values we adhere to. In this case, for which he will be respected If the child is convinced that good children always listen to their parents, the child will heroically try to obey and constantly boast about how obedient he is.If adults tell the child that good children always wash their hands, the kid will be sincerely convinced that, that washing hands is the main virtue of a true person.If for many years the child was persuaded that good children obey Mom and Dad, wash their hands and do not wipe their noses with a cloth, he will sincerely believe that this is so. Thus, the child develops an idea of which child is Good ("I'm perfect").
Shame or embarrassment?
Now we need to convince the kid that he himself is just that, good. He washes his hands, does not spoil the tablecloth - he's good. This is done simply: the crumbs are always talking about this. "You're good for me: you always wash your hands!" "If this is not always so, it's okay: you can forget about some past mistakes and slightly idealize your crumbs-for educational purposes, of course." But the children do not remember their mistakes, so the child will appreciate his achievements for pure So, what is the baby already convinced of?
1. That good people always wash their hands (eat semolina porridge, obey, do not run along the roadway): it's "I'm perfect."
2. That he himself is this (always washing his hands). He is often praised for this, and it is, of course, pleasant for him. This is the basis of his self-respect. It's already "I'm real." So the "I-concept" appeared, and now, please, it is possible to shame the kid, but only for what is included in his "I-concept." Once he is convinced that he is exactly that, and on this in his self-esteem, his sense of self-worth, he will really be ashamed if he is convicted of violating his basic life principles. Once the idea of himself as a Good Worthy Man - precisely on the grounds that he always washes his hands - has already been formed , it is only natural that the child becomes It's embarrassing when he behaves differently than he thinks he should behave, but if he is not formed, then the kid will not be ashamed. "He is only embarrassed, not understanding what he is being scolded for." This embarrassment is an inexperienced adult can take for shame, but this is a completely different feeling. So do not be happy if you kid shamed, and he was so embarrassed.
Understand = assimilate
Children are very dependent on adults. This is natural, but it can not be said that it is good. And certainly, this is not an achievement, if a child, fearing that he is being scolded, is afraid to do something (for which he had already been scolded). Moreover: if he does not fear (he will be sure that they will not notice, they will not recognize him), he will do it for sure. So this is not education. To make the baby "behave well," you must first form a clear enough picture of him, first, about what it means to "behave well," and secondly, about yourself as a person who is fully consistent with these concepts . FIRST - and only then start to shame. To the kid already in 2-3 years it is easy to explain, why to wash hands - it is good, instead of to wash - it is bad. Blind obedience is not the best quality of a person, even if this person is 2-3 years old. The child should understand why something can be done, but something is impossible. If he does not understand, he will "behave correctly" only when he is seen for praise, for the external approval of adults, the child is a reasonable being, so he wants to see the meaning in his actions. And what is the point of doing what is unclear for what It is very important that the parents of the child appreciate it.Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for the list of Main Virtues to include such qualities as altruism (selfless concern for others), courage, initiative, independence.There is often obedience there (in fact, the quality is questionable , although for their own good children should obey adults), readiness is manna porridge, wordlessness ("Enough talking, my head is already aching!"), passivity ("Sit still, do not jump: we have not arrived yet!" ) Perhaps parents unconsciously include these remarkable virtues in the list of the main positive qualities of a Real Human being, such as their offspring should be, but they do it so.It is convenient when the child is obedient, mute. And yet, it is better to draw this image of the Ideal Child for yourself in a completely conscious manner, including in it, besides obedience and clean hands, something that is also universally valuable.
Show an example
In addition, what parents appreciate, for which they praise the baby, what they think, the behavior of moms and dads influences children. After all, parents are an indisputable model, a standard. If the mother often screams at the baby, slaps him, do not expect anything different from him. To be ashamed of this child for his lack of restraint is strange: for him, this behavior is the right thing, because this is how mother behaves. If you do not have such qualities, the kid will not accept and do not believe that these are good qualities. It is better to praise the children so that they understand what their positive quality, you note: For example: "You are very clever: you immediately guess about everything!" Or: "You are brave: you are not afraid of anything!" And when we are ashamed of children, it is better to speak as concrete as possible in order to be sure: it is absolutely clear to the child what we are unhappy with. And do not get too carried away by this "method of pedagogical influence". Of course, it is possible to be ashamed of children, and sometimes it is necessary. But it is desirable not to do it too often. When my mother - the closest, beloved and significant person - is constantly unhappy with the baby, this is a rather difficult experience for him. I'll venture to say that if you praised your child 20-30 times, you can shame him once. On the average - approximately so. This should be a rare measure. If the child is constantly shamed, he ceases to pay attention to our reproaches. And he can believe that he is bad. To be ashamed of children is always better in this form: "You are such a good boy (girl): how did you do so badly?" That is - first to strengthen the confidence of the baby that he, of course, is good - and only then shamed for a specific offense You can show your emotions to the child, but try not to scream (because the children stop taking the normal tone: if they are not shouted at, they think that everything is fine.) And try not to be angry is a manifestation of weakness. he respects himself, if he already has the feeling he will be ashamed of the misdemeanor.This is the most important thing that you need to be able to influence the baby with shame. That's exactly what parents should pay the main attention to.