- Perhaps, it will be another five to six years, and it's time to give birth.
- And from whom?
- And what does it matter? Even if there is no one from whom I will, I will use the method of artificial insemination. I need my baby. For myself.
How often do you hear such remarks lately? And more and more women, disappointed in men, in the very concept of the family, tend to give birth "for themselves." What is it? A characteristic sign of the twenty-first century? Variant of the norm? Or the degradation of the female (and with her male) essence?
There are many reasons for this phenomenon. The most common is that it was not possible to meet someone who could become a good father to a child. It was not possible to get married, there was not someone with whom I would like to share a roof over my head. Did not work out. No less common reason - postponing "for later". Two lovers, young and unsecured. The biggest thing you can afford is renting an apartment. But raising a child there is scary. And it passes year after year in anticipation of better conditions and more prosperity, and then the marriage itself often exhausts itself. But these reasons existed always and everywhere. In our century other reasons begin to appear. This is already an ideology of disillusioned women. It consists in the fact that marriage and family are obsolete and unnecessary things that a child can be perfectly grown without a father, that a man needs only in the regime of regular sexual contacts "for health", and for this it is absolutely not necessary to marry and live together. And human warmth, spiritual contact? And for this purpose just and there will be a child. And that's enough. Let there be one, but a real relative.
Let's see what pitfalls conceal the child's strategy for himself.
If even married mothers are hard at coping with their children's growing up, what will happen to a woman who is completely focused on the child? When the child is small, it seems that it is still far away, but time flies quickly. And now she is alone, not young, has long since grown unaccustomed to make plans with someone else besides her child, and she no longer needs a child. It sounds cruel, but it's a fact. The maturing child has his own interests, his needs, a period of natural youthful egoism. And even in the most prosperous and heartfelt children, the degree of attention to the mother is still significantly reduced. Most mothers break down and begin to demand attention to themselves, to climb into the life of the child, trying to subordinate his life to his.
Ilya, 42, married at the age of 39. He was a child, whom his mother gave birth to "for himself," not seriously considering from whom. He never knew his father. He could marry and have children only after the death of his mother, while she was alive, she criticized every woman who approached Ilya. And he understood: either the mother or the wife. To abandon a sick mother he was not allowed conscience, and having a family would mean throwing a mother - she would not accept any woman in his life. After he buried her, he confessed: "However it may be, it was embarrassing, but I was relieved after her death. Now I can live normally. "
In such cases, the mother's assertion that she "lived for her son" is at least hypocritical. And gave birth and she lived for herself - and only. And suddenly her toy began to claim rights for its own life? The mother is offended by the ingratitude of her son. Forgetting what made a person. Who has the right to live as she wants.
Sometimes the chain continues: the son remains single, possibly giving someone a "biomaterial" for conception. Daughter - also gives birth to a child "for themselves", because at least to the grandson the mother is not jealous.
It also happens that the children rebel and the business ends in a break. This also does not bode well. The insults of mother and child against each other can cause a lot of latent processes in the subconscious and greatly spoil the child's life. This is a hidden sense of guilt before the mother, and the desire at the subconscious level to "prove" the mother her independence - whatever that is, the child continues to live "in the shadow" of the mother, suppressed by her way.
But while the child only grows, there are enough difficulties. In pre-school and early school-age children are not able to fully understand why his family is not like others. All the same there were, there are and will be families with two parents. And the child will inevitably compare. Alas, not in favor of his family. The archetype of the family, which was laid down in us for millennia, is not so easy to kill with new-fangled concepts. At best, it should take more than one century. And the child is stronger than most adults, these universal archetypes pop up - his mind has not yet been "processed" by the society. Therefore, in secret, he will build up a hidden sense of defectiveness.
The second point - this is the easiest way to grow an egoist and a neurotic. The child gets used to the fact that the mother does not share her attention - it all belongs to him. And besides his will, he has the same attitude to the world: the whole world should be concerned only with them, with his problems and needs. If there is a character - these children are accustomed to keep the state of things by force. And we call them tyrants and tyrants. If the personality is weak - disappointment is very bitter, and insult to the world is very large. And as a consequence - illnesses, failures, depressions.
Someone will want to argue: not all children who grew up in single-parent families are flawed! Yes, not all. Damage is only to those whose mother did not love anybody, begging for a child.
In my practice there is a reverse example: a woman was married and very fond of her husband, but could not conceive from him - her husband had problems. They decided on artificial insemination with donor sperm. My husband was with me all the time. The child was conceived and born in love. And everything is good for them, and the child is no different from the naturally conceived children.
It's scary not that there is no father. He could abandon his mother, die, his mother could leave, they could disperse amicably - not the essence. It is important that the original installation on the family took place, and it was in this aura of love, relationship, was conceived and born a child. It's terrible when another mother already at the conception level appropriates someone else's property into the property. After all, children, while still in the womb, perfectly feel everything that happens to their parents.
Disappointment in the family, men, love - a thing that men also contributed a lot. But how to grow full-fledged men and full-fledged women, closing their hearts for sincere feelings, fearing them and trying to get around?
There is only one way out: to strive, to strive, to seek and find something genuine, to believe and hope, to work on oneself. This applies to all - both men and women.
In my opinion, it is worthwhile to think: is it even necessary to aspire to the birth of a child, if there is not one next to a woman who would become a support at least at first? Many say that if a woman does not take place as a mother, her life is wasted. But will it take place as a full-fledged mother, appropriating someone else's life to protect themselves from their grievances and disappointments?