How easy it is to allow yourself to be offended: pout, frown and look silently at your abuser ... Think about it, do not you often use offense as a weapon to achieve any goals? The psychologist will help you to understand what is wrong, why it arises and how to deal with it.
My cat, being still very young and unintentional, when he was offended by something, reported to family members this information, writing in the shoes of the offender. So we certainly determined the culprit.
Then the thoughts began: what exactly is wine? Analysis of the behavior of the cat could take a long time, because he could not tell us about the causes of discontent directly.
In general, if the guesswork turned out to be correct, the rest of the shoes could be saved, and if not, then ... But this is a very sad story.
Sometimes it seems to me that many people behave the same way as offended cats. And those on whom they resent are very similar to the owners, lost in conjecture and thrusting tasty pieces of the cat in the hope of ironing out their incomprehensible guilt.
Why do people take offense at all? Why are women more likely to react to such a reaction, and what does this lead to?
Let's look at some of the reasons for the occurrence of offenses and find out how effective this behavior is.
Reason # 1: disappointed expectations
When you were counting on something, but for some reason did not get it, it's time to take offense.
Maybe the offender does not even know that you are applying for something, but it does not matter, because the one who was offended first is right.
For example, you are sitting in a restaurant, and the opponent is carefully considering the menu, or, worse, with someone enthusiastically talking.
You begin to keep silent and make an offended face. Most likely, after a while the offender will start asking:
- And what is this with you? Something happened?
"No, it's all right," you will answer, defiantly turning away from him.
"But I see something has happened!"
- And you that, you do not guess?
"Did I offend you?"
Hooray! The long-awaited attention is received, you can start to clarify the relationship!
So, women like to take offense, because insult entails a feeling of repentance and guilt in the offender. And to make up for this blame, he, according to the scenario, must do something good.
The question arises - why not just ask about what you want? It's easy to say!
What woman in her right mind will ask a man to love her more, take care of her more, after all, pay attention to her, because she is bored when he speaks on the phone ?!
For example, Larissa always took offense at her young man with a certain periodicity.
If the relationship became even and calm, Lara was filled with anguish and with her fear - and suddenly stopped loving?
She needed to always control the relationship, and in situations where control was lost, Larissa began to act.
When an unsuspecting victim informed Larisa that she could not spend the evening with her because of the work, she immediately took offense at him.
Each time the same story was repeated - she did not want to talk to him, turned off the phone, and if the unfortunate could still find her, she said that she was very busy and stopped talking.
The guy sincerely could not understand what was happening. He began to feel his guilt and sent Larissa flowers as a sign of reconciliation.
Having received flowers, a gift and humiliation of a fan in the kit, the girl calmed down and forgave the "scoundrel".
Once, during another grievance, the young man behaved unconventional. He did not call and did not look for meetings. Larissa was worried.
The girl suffered, but the thought of calling the guy herself, seemed terrible to her: "If I call him, he will think that I really need him."
I wonder, but why meet with a man who is not needed? And if he, too, does not want to show that he needs him? It's not a relationship, it's just a puppet theater!
In general, Larissa did not intend to ask herself all these useful questions, but she continued to take offense. As a result, the guy forever disappeared from her horizon, stopping to sponsor and feed Larina resentment.
The reasons for such insults lie not only in the desire to receive moral or material compensation.
In fact, Larissa is so self-centered that any distraction from her own person is already perceived as an insult .
It really does not occur to her to think about anything else. People can not have problems and worries, except for her person!
I must say that some ladies manage to keep a man on the hook for a long time using this method of manipulation.
By the way, men with a hypertrophied sense of duty and guilt come to the hook. Often a similar bouquet is inherited from a mother who behaved in a similar way.
Bedolages just do not understand that there can be some other relationship. Recognize this "mommy" is easy: if she needs something from her son, and he is busy with his own affairs, she immediately has a heart attack or a nervous breakdown.
If he is on a date, she will call her son several times an hour in order to find out how he is doing, and complain about bad health, not forgetting to add how badly she is alone.
Reason number 2: inability to express feelings
This type of resentment occurs quite often. Think: if we ask a person directly for something, we are constructive, and if we try to force anybody indirectly to do something (and often without expressing our true desires), then we resort to manipulation .
And we do this because we are not confident in ourselves and are afraid to show our true feelings.
... Zoe was very difficult to find a common language with friends of her boyfriend. She could not join any conversation, because she did not share their interests at all.
She generally wanted to be the only center of his attention, because that's how she lived easier. Do you think she ever told him directly about this? Never! Why do you shame so!
Instead, she discovered the first signs that Michael - the so-called her young man - was drawn into the conversation enthusiastically, began to yank and ask him about something. For example, buy her ice cream.
He did not want to get distracted and offered to buy it later or buy ice cream itself - especially since the tent is two steps away. Zoya, of course, immediately took offense at such rudeness.
After that, Mikhail stopped all conversations with friends and fully concentrated on clarifying the relationship with Zoya.
Instead of directly saying that she feels uncomfortable with the company of Misha's friends and asking him to help take part in the conversation, Zoya preferred to draw her attention with resentment.
It is much easier to say "You do not love me" and take offense than explain what exactly did not like in the behavior of a loved one, what exactly manifestations of love you expect from him.
Reason # 3: low self-esteem
Frequent solution of problems in the manner of insult can indicate a low self-esteem.
A person - instead of asking about something - starts to think out and cherish the insult often from scratch.
For example, Asya is a plump girl, she had long ago thought to herself that men like thin people.
Therefore, when her young man Sasha pays attention to some thin passerby, she immediately takes offense.
All Sasha's assurances of eternal love do not act on Asya at all. "You do not want to upset me, so you're lying!" She replies.
If you have a low self-esteem, you with an obsession of a maniac will be in any situation to look for reasons for its confirmation and, accordingly, for new offenses.
It's very difficult to communicate with such people, because you never know what they might be upset about next time . Even a compliment can cause a deep resentment in them.
Reason number 4: fear of being a "black sheep"
The fear of conflict, the fear of being misunderstood, also pushes people to a passive solution to exciting issues.
To be offended is very simple: for this, determination and emotional maturity are not required at all.
Insults such people carry in themselves and accumulate for years . And if a suitable situation arises, all these "riches" splash out in the form of real hysteria.
Should I use resentment as a "weapon"?
Unfortunately, having once received a positive reinforcement of his resentment, a person begins to use it as his permanent weapon, and the relationship turns into a very real manipulation.
Of course, it's very nice to receive the desired (for example, attention, affirmation of love, a new fur coat or a ringlet), but it's not at all pleasant when sincerity and trust leave the relationship. Frequent grievances testify to the inability to communicate with a partner.
If the offense turns into a normal reaction of your body, then people start to lie to you often or keep silent.
They do this because they are afraid of offending you. Thus, distrust grows between people. And love in such an atmosphere dies.
Therefore, before resenting, try to side with another person and find out the reasons for his behavior.
Be specific - learn to explain to the partner what exactly upset you in his behavior - because in this way you give him the opportunity to change everything.