How not to be ashamed to be afraid?
The theme of children's fears and methods of struggle is much more serious than it seems to adults. "You're already a big boy, are not you ashamed to be afraid of such a small dog (water, cars, strict neighbors, etc.)?" - we often say, brushing aside the child's "trifling" fears. Whether it's our fears: health of loved ones, lack of money, a formidable boss, an unfulfilled quarter plan ... But on how a child experiences his childhood fears and methods of struggle in childhood, in many ways depends on how happy and confident he will grow. And in the parents' power to help him.
Anxiety Development
Fear caused by real danger, psychologists call "situational". If an evil shepherd dog attacked the baby, it's nothing strange that he began to fear all dogs. And such fear is easily amenable to psychological correction.
Much more complicated and more subtle are the so-called "personal" fears, which are a reflection not of external but of inner events, the life of the soul. Most have a fundamental basis: they always appear in every child as they grow up, although to varying degrees. They are often referred to as "developmental anxieties". Initially, the baby fully associates herself with her mother, considers her to be a part of herself, but for about seven months he begins to understand: his mother does not belong to him, she is part of a big world in which there are other people. And at that moment comes the fear of strangers. When meeting new people for the child, the mother should remember the troubles of the child and do not insist if the baby refuses to communicate with the guests. His attitude towards them, he builds on the basis of observations of the mother: if she is happy to meet, the baby will gradually understand that this is "his".
Like other worries of development, fear of strangers is necessary and natural. If the baby suffocates from crying, only when he sees an outsider, - it may be necessary to help a specialist with children's fears and methods of struggle. But the joyful babble in the arms of a stranger is also not the norm. If a child, not looking back at his mother, runs far beyond the butterfly or even for something interesting; if boldly enters the water on the first day on the sea - this behavior is worth discussing with a psychologist. We can assume that the normal process of separation is not passed, the "brave" does not feel separate from his mother and therefore does not worry about his safety.
At the age of nine months to one year, the infant starts moving around the house actively and at the same time keeps the mother (grandmother, nanny) in sight. Now he knows the fear of loneliness, the loss of a loved object. "It is important that at such a time mom was available and could immediately respond to the call of the baby," says a child psychologist, psychotherapist Anna Kravtsova. - It is very bad to punish loneliness. When my mother says: "I'm tired of you, go to bed in another room, but you will calm down - you will come" - this increases the child's anxiety.
About 3 to 4 years, along with a sense of guilt, children begin to feel fear of punishment. At this time, they experiment a lot with different objects, check
own opportunities, explore their relationship with the world, primarily with their loved ones. The boys say: "When I grow up, I marry Mom!"; and the girls declare that they will choose their father for husbands. All this stormy activity simultaneously attracts and frightens them, because they are afraid of the consequences. According to Anna Kravtsova, the fear of a toothy crocodile is the same fear of punishment: if I'm too curious and begin to investigate what's in his mouth, the crocodile will bite off the finger!
Not too smart adults are beginning to call for 3 to 4-year-old naughty offspring as the authority of policemen, firefighters, Babu Yaga and even passers-by ("If you shout so, I'll give you to this uncle!"). "Thus, adults are manipulating two childish anxieties at once: fear of strangers and fear of losing their mother," explains the therapist. "It does not necessarily mean that as a result the child will begin to be afraid of policemen or firefighters, but it is likely that the general level of anxiety will increase, and basic fears will become more pronounced. Trying to pinch the children, to achieve obedience, one must always remember that obedience and independence, self-confidence are the opposite things. "
Little death
At about the same age, children begin to experience the fear of darkness during childhood fears and methods of dealing with them. "Fear of darkness in 3 - 4 years is analogous to the fear of death," Kravtsova continues. - At this age, children think about how far people can go, whether they always come back. A toy that has broken down, a thing that has disappeared forever, all this suggests that even the same can happen to people, including loved ones. " Usually during this period the child first asks questions about death.
And many babies , who still had no problems with falling asleep, begin to be capricious, refuse to go to bed, are asked to turn on the light, give water, - in every way delay the retirement to sleep. After all, sleep is a small death, a period when we do not control ourselves. "What if something happens to my relatives during this time? And what if I do not wake up? "- the baby feels this way (does not think, of course).
It is impossible to convince him that death is not terrible. The adult and himself is afraid of death, and all the more terrible for him is the death of his own child. Therefore, in order to dispel the anxieties of a small person, we need to create a sense of stability: we are close, we are good with you together, we are pleased to live. "Now we read the book, then the fairy tale will end, and you will go to the crib" - these are the best words to calm the baby. "Are you sure you will fall asleep? Maybe you need something else? "- but these phrases reinforce the child's anxiety. Fear of darkness can become aggravated at a later age, at 4 to 5 years, due to the development of imagination, fantasy thinking. Fantasies about his future life and fear of punishment for these fictions cause in his imagination images from books and films: Baba Yaga, Gray Wolf, Kashchei, and, of course, modern horror stories, from evil wizards from "Harry Potter" to Godzilla (if parents allow the child to watch such a movie). By the way, many psychologists agree that Baba-Yaga embodies the archetype of the mother: she can be kind, feed, give glomeruli on the road, but she can also, if something is not for her.
Protecting a child from horror stories is senseless and even harmful. Many mothers, while reading fairy tales for children, remake the finale so that everything at once became good, and the wolf did not even attempt on the Little Red Riding Hood. But the children scream: "No, you messed up everything, there is not so!" "We need experience of experiencing fear in order to learn how to cope with it," Anna Kravtsova is convinced. - In addition, fairy tales allow you to rework fears, to understand that they are not absolute. In one tale the wolf is bad, evil, and in the other he helps Ivan Tsarevich. "Harry Potter" is an ideal example, because through the whole saga the theme of overcoming one's own fears is a red thread. He was not the one who did not fear, but the one who managed to defeat himself.
Another thing - adult thrillers , gunmen. They are very scary, but the child can not try the story on himself, rework his fear. "
However, films and fairy tales are only a source of images, they can be gleaned from anywhere, even from the picture on the wallpaper. The cause of the increase in natural anxieties is the situation in the family. Parents' quarrels are aggravated by several powerful fears: destruction of the world, loss of a loved object, loneliness and punishment (in 3 - 4 years the child is convinced that parents quarrel and even get divorced only because of his bad behavior). In addition, childhood anxiety is exacerbated by the harsh family order: too strict rules, decisive punishments, maximalism, criticality and exactingness of parents. The division of the world according to the principle of "black" - "white" convinces the child of the absoluteness and invincibility of monsters arising in his imagination and children's fears and methods of fighting them.
However, living completely without rules is also scary. It's safer that the baby feels in a world where goodwill, predictability and stability reign (for example, every morning mother locks herself in the bathroom for 10 minutes, and he remains alone, but Mom never runs there slamming the door like crazy and not sobbing there for an hour, which seems like an eternity to the child).
Equation with three unknowns
With emotion and imagination, there is another common fear - the fear of water. There is a nuance: if the fear of water arose after some incident (swept over the sea, swallowed water in the children's pool), then this is not personal, but situational fear. However, most babies from the very beginning treat water with caution, although they then begin to love bathing. The discovery of water is the discovery of emotions, a clash with the unknown elements. The more bold a child experiments in other areas, the more willingly parents encourage him to learn new things, the easier it will be for him to take the water as something interesting, not frightening.
This, by the way, applies to adults. We are afraid of the unknown (in particular, the otherworldly), but there are happy people who treat incomprehensible phenomena with calm curiosity. Apparently, they had an active research childhood.
Famous "professional parents" Nikitin allowed his children to learn the world on their own: for example, they did not detain the kids when they went to the fire. Slightly burned under the care of his mother, the child already knew for sure that the "red flower" can not be approached. "You can do this, but you need to remember the measure clearly," Kravtsova said. - The mother always knows what kind of test "X" can tolerate the baby. For example, he is already capable, having fallen and having scratched a knee, to rise, rub it, to grimace, but not to cry. Mom can carefully add to the "X" and "igruk": do not hold it when he walks on a slippery path. Having fallen, the kid will strike stronger, however mum can calm him, but he, probably, will learn to keep balance, will advance in the knowledge of the world. But if we add "zet" to this equation, it will be too much for the child: a concussion, a severe burn, a mental trauma will turn a baby into a frightened creature. "
Funny Ghost
If everything is all right in the family, parents are moderately demanding and moderately tender, the child recycles and experiences development anxiety on their own, with little help from the elders. Some fears may appear later, when the baby becomes an adult, exacerbated by moments of mental crisis. Many women, experiencing stress, begin to check ten times whether the iron is turned off; others are afraid to sleep in an empty apartment; some are tormented by nightmares after watching thrillers; someone and to this day is afraid of water. The fear of losing a loved object (child, husband) can drive us crazy, taking the character of a phobia. However, most often these outbreaks fade, it is worth stabilizing the situation.
So, in most cases, fears do not interfere too much with the baby. But still you can help him cope with them faster. Especially need the help of elders, if the alarm goes into hysterics. The first and most difficult task is to find out what exactly the child is afraid of. Sometimes this is far from obvious. "One day I met a girl, who was told that she had a phobia of dogs," says Anna Kravtsova. - Every time in the morning, hurriedly dressing her daughter to take her to the nurse, my mother heard the girl's screaming cry: "I will not put on the sweatshirt!" Since the dog was embroidered on the sweatshirt, my mother once asked: "Are you afraid of dogs?" agreed and from the time when something went wrong, she always screamed: "I'm afraid of dogs!" In fact, she refused to dress, because she knew: now mom will quickly take her to the nurse and disappear for a whole day. An incorrect mother's interpretation played a cruel joke. "
Before asking a child what he is afraid of, you need to think and observe him. Very often, fears are not expressed in words at all - only the body "speaks". 4 - 5-year-old child in kindergarten begins to get sick all the time because he is afraid of parting with his mother. A first grader can not guess that every morning pain in the abdomen before the school is a fear of punishment, a fear of "deuce." This same anxiety can be manifested by seeming laziness: the schoolboy refuses to do the lessons on his own, only together with his mother. In fact, he just wants to hedge, share responsibility with her. It happens that only a psychologist can reveal the true cause. But if it is already found, or from the very beginning was obvious, then the best way to combat fear is play. In "Harry Potter" there is an episode where each of the students of the magical school Hogwarts got into the hands of a box with the most important nightmare, and it was possible to cope with it, presenting it in a ridiculous way. For example, the most terrible teacher one boy dressed in the hat and dress of his grandmother.
You can draw on the fears of caricatures, compose funny stories about them, fairy tales, poems. The son of my friend in the first class was terribly afraid of his classmate - a strong, high-bout girl who beat all the boys first-graders. He was helped by a song composed with Dad, in which there were many ridiculous abusive words about the girl. Every time, passing by a terrible classmate, the boy quietly sang it, smiled, and gradually his fear disappeared.