Do I have to punish a child? Is it possible to educate him as a good and successful person and at the same time completely dispense with punishments? And what consequences can corporal punishment have in the upbringing of children? These questions worry almost all parents, and since life itself answers them very inconsistently, we decided to trust the reasoned opinion of teachers and psychologists.
Very many parents, convinced that education without punishment are "stupid books that have nothing to do with real life", reinforce their opinion with a simple argument: children were punished at all times, which means that it is right and necessary. But let's figure it out.
Punishing children is a tradition?
Proponents of education through corporal punishment like to refer to such an indisputable and authoritative source as the Bible: there, in the pages of the Old Testament, in the book of the parable of King Solomon, there are many statements on this subject. Collected together, these quotes, alas, produce a depressing impression. As you, for example, this: "Punish your son, while there is hope, and do not be indignant at his cry." Or this: "Do not leave a young man without punishment: if you punish him with a rod, he will not die." It's just that the blood runs cold from such advice. And can it be otherwise: after all, they appeared at a time when most people were slaves when no one thought about human rights, and justice was carried out through barbaric executions and torture. Can we seriously discuss this in our day? Incidentally, today in the homeland of King Solomon (that is, in the modern state of Israel) the rights of children are protected by a special law: every child, if parents apply physical punishment to him, can complain to the police and put them in jail for assault.
Method of carrots and stick
Somewhere we have already heard it - the method of a carrot and a stick. Everything is very simple and based on the teachings of I. Pavlov on conditioned reflexes: he performed the command well-received food, did poorly-he was hit by a whip. In the end, the animal remembers how to behave. With the owner. And without it? Unfortunately no!
The child, of course, is not an animal. Even if he is very small, he can all be explained in such a way that he understands. Then he will act correctly always, and not only when he is overseen by "higher authorities". This is called the ability to think with your head. If you are always in control of the child, then when he grows up and breaks your "cage", he can break down and do a lot of nonsense. It is known that criminals, as a rule, grow up in families where children are either severely punished or simply do not pay attention to them.
He is not guilty of anything!
As you know, the child is born innocent. The first thing he sees and what he instinctively seeks is his parents. Therefore, all the features and habits that he acquires with age - the whole merit of dads and moms. Remember, as in "Alice in Wonderland": "If the piglet is out loud, you are called from the cradle, the bayushki-bai! Even the most mild-mannered child grows into a pig in the future! "Some psychologists generally believe that it is not necessary to educate a child specifically (to apply any pedagogical methods): if the parents behave correctly, the child will grow up good, simply imitating them. You say, in life it does not happen? So, you admit that you are not perfect. And those who admit that it is not ideal, it is necessary to recognize also that in all misdemeanors of our children we are to blame.
Do not punish? And what should I do?
How to raise children without corporal punishment? Very simple! You can try to organize everything so that the child has no reason to punish. But if it still does not work and conflicts arise, there are proven methods of influence, not related either to violence or manipulation.
If the child refuses to do something (for example, you asked him to put it away in the nursery), tell him that then you have to do it yourself and you will not have time to read the book before going to sleep.
If the child did something wrong, talk to him heart to heart: remember your childhood and tell a story about how you once made the same mistake, and then repented and corrected (then the child will be easier to admit his mistakes without fear with punishments).
Use the timeout method. The essence of it is that at a decisive moment (a fight, hysterics, whims) a child without any screaming and urging is withdrawn (or carried out) from the epicenter of events and is isolated for some time in another room. Time-out (that is, pause) depends on the age of the child. It is believed that leaving one child follows from the calculation "one minute for one year of life", i.e. three-year - for three minutes, four-year - for four, etc. The main thing is that he does not take it as punishment.
In the end, you can "take offense" at the child and for a while deprive him of his usual, very pleasant for him communication, leaving only the necessary "semi-official". The main thing is that during this time the child does not lose faith in your love.
4 causes of poor behavior of the child:
Cause | What is manifested | What is the mistake of parents? | How to resolve the situation | What to do next |
Lack of attention | The child sticks with annoying questions | The child is given too little attention | Calmly discuss with him the offense and express your displeasure | Allocate time during the day to communicate with the child |
Struggle for power | The child often argues and shows obstinacy (harmful), often lies | The child is too controlled (psychologically presses on him) | Give in, try to offer a compromise | Do not try to defeat him, offer a choice |
Revenge | The child is rude, cruel to the weak, spoils things | A small inconspicuous humiliation ("Leave, you're still small!") | Analyze the cause of the abandoned call | Do not take revenge on him, try to make contact |
Evasion | The child refuses any suggestions, does not want to participate in anything | Excessive care, parents do everything for a child | Suggest a compromise solution | Encourage and praise the child at every stage |
Do we need incentives?
Scientists conducted an experiment: the monkeys were given a very complex castle - after long efforts she opened it. Then she was given another lock - she did not calm down until she mastered it. And so many times: the monkey achieved its goal and was thrilled. And then for the successful mastering of the castle, she was suddenly given a banana. On this all the joy of the monkey was over: now she worked on the castle only if she was shown a banana, and did not feel any satisfaction.
The secret becomes clear
If a child is severely punished and demeaned at home, it will necessarily pop up in his children's games, and in the future - and in relationships with peers. The psychological "trace" of corporal punishment in the upbringing of children remains for life. First, he will shock the people around with beating his own toys, then he will go to his classmates, and then to his family (in any case, he will not be able to bring up his children any differently). If you yourself were such a child, think: maybe it's time to interrupt the family scenario?