How to break the vicious circle and how easy is it to leave a young man? Let's figure it out!
We always give each other signals. They also help us to adjust our behavior depending on whether they like others or not. When you are in love, these are signals like "I like you", "I want to be with you". And when a person is unpleasant to you, you start to alienate him - "go away," "I do not want you," "I do not need you," that is, in fact, you show aggression. In fairness, I must say that most of us do it unconsciously, in fact trying to behave like decent people, that is, passively. Therefore, psychologists called this "resistance of materials" passive aggression.
Parting is always difficult. But one thing, when he does not care about you, changes or beats, or you even swear. Then the final seems to be justified. And quite another - to say for nothing, about nothing "let's part" to the person with whom you spent a few years, who managed to become a part of your life and did not even do you any harm ...
It's unpleasant, what's there to say. Uncomfortable somehow. It turns out, if he is so good, and you throw him, then you are bad? Yes, if you are used to divide the world into the bad and the good. In this case, someone must be guilty, and it turns out that you will be guilty if you leave him. So you do not give up, submissively, "carrying your cross." And if to him such a life seems unbearable, well, he is free to leave himself, to throw you, a scoundrel like that ... And then you will rightly try on a halo and wings, and you, with sympathetic friends, will mentally draw the horns and tail. Q.E.D...
Passive aggression is characteristic of those who prefer to shift responsibility for anything to anyone. To those who do not want to grow up. They behave like children, can not understand their feelings, express their words "I want" and "I do not want". But the children can not, but the infantile personality does not want it. In fact it is necessary to take responsibility for the acts and, probably, to experience feeling of fault, and so, can, it and itself will resolve.
Responsibility and guilt go hand in hand, because they are related categories: responsibility is an idea, guilt is a feeling, and they are interrelated. That is, the recognition of one's responsibility inevitably provokes an experience of guilt - and this is normal, the experience of a healthy guilt leads to the growth and development of the individual in the context of the relationship. Yes, it's unpleasant to feel guilty, especially when you do not know how easy it is to leave a young man. Unfortunately, the ideology of the consumer society devalues the developmental value of suffering and pain, and simply discomfort. Life, as the commercials show, must be a complete pleasure, and therefore it seems natural that many do not want to take responsibility for actions that can cause others pain. But do you really think that in real life it's never possible to hurt anyone?
Another category of those who show passive aggression are people who can not be called aggressive. They deliberately avoid any conflicts and confrontations, because in such situations they do not know how to behave, panic, unconsciously perceiving them as a threat to life. They understand with their mind that it is unlikely that the "offended" side will kill them and eat them. But such attitudes are laid down in childhood, and for the child the anger of parents, on which his life depends, means a direct physical threat. And when a child grows in an unpredictable environment, not understanding what exactly the next second can provoke the fury of parents, he learns to bypass acute angles in relationships, often ignoring his interests. It is easier for such a person not to notice the problem, than to discuss it. And he will pull the time, evade direct contact, pretend that nothing happens to avoid an unpleasant conversation. Techniques can be very sophisticated - from constant delays to endless jokes. Jokers, by the way, demonstrate aerobatics of passive-aggressive behavior: they recognize the signs of a nearby storm and find a way to defuse the situation with the help of humor.
A passive-aggressive partner always manipulates another person, forcing him to guess his feelings and dooming him to defeat in advance. Among those choosing a passive-aggressive manner of behavior there are those who avoid the gap, not because he himself is afraid of pain, but because he is afraid to cause it to his partner.
Such behavior is harmful already because the person refuses his own life, shifting the tasks of his growth and realization to another: "Let him (a) do his / her what I want." So a person will not learn to do what is important to him. But the refusal to obtain a vital experience does not relieve it of its necessity. Even if it is accompanied by painful conflicts. Taking responsibility for what another person feels is a special form of megalomania. It turns out that we control the feelings of other people, and this is not true.
It is necessary to understand that for a person passive-aggressive behavior is a dead end, and this girl may not know how easy it is to leave a young man. It negates communication - the very basis of any relationship. And when the couple still parted, this does not solve the problems of two people: no one understood anything, lessons were not learned and in the future there is a great chance of stepping on the same rake.
When there are difficulties in the relations of two, it is always useful to pronounce them. Attempts at manipulation are not only ridiculous, but also unpromising. "Let him understand that I am ill" or "is it not obvious how I suffer" - this is a typical model of child behavior, when the mother guesses that the baby does not like something because of his crying or other non-verbal manifestations. In adult life (the joint life of two equal people) no one is obliged to always guess the thoughts of others, understanding the other without words. Sometimes it can, but should not. And that's why the only way to bring to the person with whom you live next door, that in your relationship there is a serious problem, is to talk to him. Moreover, I must say, this must be done, not only when you yourself demonstrate passive-aggressive behavior, but also when you realize that such tactics are applied to you. And, having begun such a conversation, it is important for you to tell about what exactly excites you, does not suit you, even makes you angry - without labeling or accusing your partner that you feel this way, and not otherwise. And, of course, discuss what you yourself are ready to do for a better understanding. Although sometimes the very fact of such a conversation can be one of such actions. After all, the discussion of difficulties is a sign of your not indifference to a close person.
In a sense, passive-aggressive behavior is a sign of the day, because we are increasingly moving away from each other, preferring virtual reality. Whatever you say, electronic communication (via Internet messengers or sms-app) is a great opportunity to hide true feelings: your face is not visible, you can not hear voices, and you can think over words and rewrite as many times as you like. You can generally, without explaining anything, disappear from the access zone: "Oh, I'm sorry, the mobile phone was discharged (" ICQ "fell, the mail was covered, etc.)." At the very beginning, when there is still no relationship, in fact, it will, of course, work: the person will call you once or twice, and will stop - in fact, on you so far the light has not come together with a wedge. But some people use this tactic, even when the relationship is completely different, which means that you have already learned enough to understand each other. That is, it turns out that they act according to the usual pattern, without giving themselves the trouble to think, and what exactly our relations require and what this particular person wants from you.
And if you really do not want to lose them (and the relationship, and the person), you must be prepared for the fact that you will have to seek advice from a psychologist. Experts say that, unfortunately, it is extremely difficult to cope independently with passive aggression (it does not matter - at oneself or with a partner). We will have to work hard, understand and accept the problem, discovering its roots (which are so reliably squeezed out into the unconscious that they can not be seen), and only then, having found a way to deal with it with the help of a specialist. But if your love to both of you is expensive, it means it's worth it.