All parents dream of seeing their children intelligent, caring, independent and successful. And if the child grows ignorant, fussy and egoist, mom and dad doomedly sigh: "This one was born ...". In fact, children are not born good, but become. And, not without the help and reasonable control of understanding and caring parents. On how to succeed and avoid failures in the upbringing of children, read this article.
1. Never humiliate a child!
Some parents in their hearts exclaim: "Why are you twisting something like that!" Or "Well, you and the idiot!". These words do not just demean the child - they automatically set it against you. Never a child will not respect you after that, never trust you. He may listen for fear of punishment, but in the future, when the preponderance of forces will not be in your favor, he will remember you all.
2. Do not resort to threats
Threats weaken in the eyes of the child the image of you as parents. Threatening a child, you humble yourself in his eyes. Subconsciously the child understands that you can not cope with it, you can not convince him in a reasonable, normal way. Therefore, the threat is the most stupid and powerless proof of parental humiliation. You will manage the child, but only until the moment when he does not become stronger than you. And then at best he will simply leave, and you will be left alone. In the worst case - look carefully at crime reports in the news.
Psychologists explain: not to threaten - does not mean all to allow. Permissiveness in the upbringing of children has even more terrible consequences than parental terror. When children cross the boundaries of the permissible, you must stop this necessarily, in order to avoid failures afterwards. Explain to the child what he is wrong in. Make sure he understands you, and then, depending on the degree of guilt, you can apply punishment. Not by any means physical! This may be a ban on walking, depriving sweet for a week or other educational measures.
3. Do not Bribe Your Child
Most parents, especially in this age of capitalism, prefer to pay their children for good grades, for help in the home, for caring for themselves or their loved ones, and so on. Children very quickly get used to the idea that they can get good money for good deeds. This becomes the main stimulus in their life. And begins: "Mom, I swept in the room! How much money will you give me? "Or" I fed my little sister. You owe me. " It's just awful when a child turns his direct duties as a son, brother or friend into a job for which they pay. He is no longer learning to succeed, to learn something interesting, but in order to earn a new toy or another whim. He helps the sick mother not out of compassion for her, but because of mercantile motives: more help, more will be paid. One can only guess what awaits such a family in the future and who will become such a young banker in a few years.
4. Do not force a small child to promise you anything
Consider the following situation. Little Pavlik did something bad. Mom is angry. She tells him: "Promise me that you will not do it any more!" Pavlik cunningly agrees. But not an hour passes, as everything repeats. Mom in anger: "You promised me!" The child cries with fright, not understanding what he is to blame. He really does not understand this.
The fact is that young children live in the present. This has already been scientifically proven. You ask him to promise something, he is doing it now. But the promise assumes not to do something forbidden then, in the future. For a child this is an impossible task. He can not keep his promise simply because he will forget about him. Constantly punishing that the kid did not keep his promise, you will achieve only one thing: for him the word "promise" will simply become an empty sound. Then in the future, he will not be able to succeed and avoid failures, there are really many problems waiting for him. The most adult and real.
5. Do not take too much care of your child.
Parental "hyper-care" in the upbringing of children undermines the child's self-esteem, develops a host of complexes. When a mother, wishing to protect her child, warns him, she seems to say this: "You can not do this yourself. You just can not handle it. You're inept, not smart enough, you're weak. " So, at least, her child understands. And this is postponed in his subcortex, settles in the subconscious and in the future he will really be unable to make a decision himself. Most parents trust their children too little. Their motto should sound like this: "Never do anything for children that they can do themselves."
6. Do not brush aside children's questions
Some questions asked by the child seem to us sometimes complete nonsense. "Why are the elephants big?", "Is it raining? Where are his legs? "And some of the questions just do not know what to answer:" Why did our grandmother die? "," And you and Dad divorce? When?". In this case, parents try to just brush aside, to get away from the answer. If the question is really "uncomfortable" - they can even get angry at the child, shout: "What are you stuck with stupid questions? Get rid of me! "And the child is left alone with something that does not give him rest. He suffers from the fact that the closest people think his problems are nonsense, that he has no one to turn to, no one to listen to. From such, it would seem, trifles the present children's loneliness develops. It "grows" from these unanswered, neglected, but very important issues for the child.
7. Do not demand blind obedience immediately.
Suppose your husband says to you: "Throw what you do, and quickly bring me a cup of coffee!" Your reaction? Well, at least this cup of coffee will fly in his face. And now think about it - your child experiences the same feelings when you want him to finish the game immediately and fulfill your requirements. Do not be tyrants! Give the child time to finish their business.
Teams are good for service dogs. And then, to succeed and avoid failures in the education of animals can be only after special training and with the obligatory, constant, immediate encouragement. That is, the dog fulfilled the command - they immediately give a piece of cheese or sausage. This is a prerequisite for the task! Well, do we want the child to fulfill all our demands immediately and for nothing? And sometimes even instead of encouraging, we "pour" on the child a lot of negativity: "Well, finally, done! Until you bark at you, you can not move from your place! You are so irresponsible! "No self-respecting trainer will allow himself to treat the animal that way. And many parents treat children like that. There can be no question of any command-executive upbringing, if we want to educate free people who are capable of self-discipline and making independent decisions.
8. Learn to tell your child "no"
This seems obvious, but it can be a serious test for many parents. Prohibit everything - you can not, and it's silly. But everything is even worse. How to find the golden mean without spoiling the child? In fact, much depends on the child. Children are different, after all. One simple words will suffice: "We can not buy it now. It's too expensive, "and for another it's an empty sound. And hysteria in the store can not be avoided. And the situation is different. For example, a child is sick. Sometimes, seriously ill. Parents are ready to do anything to ease his situation. It is at such moments that you can easily ruin the character of the child for many years to come.
To be able to say "no" is necessary. Sometimes parents think that by doing this we make the child unhappy. So - all the way around. Leading psychologists of the world have long proven that the world without any prohibitions for the child is a nightmare. He introduces into the strongest depression and even is the cause of child suicide. Have not you wondered why many children of wealthy parents - drug addicts, drunkards, criminals or even sooner or later commit suicide? Because they have everything, they are all allowed, there are no prohibitions. They are simply bored to live, they do not have a goal, there is no incentive to do anything at all. After all, we tend to something that is not easy to achieve. And if everything is already achieved on the first demand - what should I strive for then? Why live at all? Here is a philosophy. Tell the children "no" necessarily - do not make your children unhappy.
9. Be consistent in your requests
If on Monday, my mother asks the child to go to the store, and on Tuesday says: "Without me to the store or foot!" - what to think about the child? In fact, there are a lot of such inconsistent moments in upbringing every day. For example, today the child began to jump on the couch. You scolded him. The next day a friend came to you and you, just to get rid of the child, so that he does not "get under his feet", say to him: "Okay, go jump on the couch. Just do not bother us with your aunt. " Such moments are unacceptable in the upbringing of children! They will not lead to anything good, except how to spoil the nature of the child and deliver you as a result of a lot of trouble. In addition, the child must clearly know what to do, and what can not be done. This should be unshakable - so the child will feel more protected and calm.
10. Do not enter rules that do not match the age of the child
Do not expect a child of two years to help you with cleaning or taking care of your pet. Be realistic. Let the kid do what in his power - to water the flower, wipe the dust with a cloth from the table, give the cat a piece of sausage. And be sure to praise him for the completed task, even if you then have to remake it anew.
11. Do not cause the child to have a constant sense of guilt
This sin, for some reason, only the mother. This is their "secret weapon" for the management of the child. As soon as he does something disagreeable, the mother exclaims: "You are my punishment! You do not pity me, you do not love me! You do this to me for evil, although you know that I have a sick heart! I will fall ill and die - and then ... "Depending on the age of the child, words may change, but the essence remains the same - to cause the child to feel guilty. But this way she can never succeed and avoid failure in raising children. After all, what happens? Out of pity for the mother, children later receive an education that suits her, go to work that she likes, create a family with a person pleasing her. The mother becomes the writer of the whole life of her already grown-up child. And if he dares to disobey - again the exclamations follow: "You do not regret the mother! I've done everything for you! I sacrificed so many, and you ... "Do you want to make of your child" something "that is not capable of making its own decisions and not having its own life? Then continue to feel sorry for yourself, tyrannize the child and blame the whole world for your problems.
12. Do not give orders if you do not intend to demand their execution
Here is the classical scene. The mother says to the child: "Do not climb on a chair." The child continues to climb. "Misha, I'm telling you, do not climb on a chair!" The child does not pay attention. In the end, the mother surrenders and leaves, leaving the child alone with her disobedience. What in the end? Mother's authority is undermined completely. The child will not listen to it ever. He will not trust her. Because he sees. That she changes her decisions instantly. Would you trust such a person? In principle, this paragraph is similar to the question of consistency in requirements. If you forbid something - bring the matter to an end. Just take and remove the child from the ill-fated chair. In the end, he can fall and seriously injure himself - and it will be only your fault. Do you need this?