I always drink beer with my friends when we go to the movies or just hang out. And what's wrong with that? "- Denis, 15, speaks with a challenge, whom we met next to the shopping center in Sokolniki. "Without a can of cocktail or beer there is nothing to do," adds his friend Sonya for 14 years. Danila joins our conversation, he is almost 15: "We drink to cheer up, relax ... It's nothing to worry about, we're not alcoholics any ..." To buy alcohol in a store, and even more so in a stall around the corner , is not difficult, although the laws prohibit the sale of alcohol to minors, especially near the school *. In reality, everything looks different: for a school change, children easily manage to run after a beer or something stronger. Parents are very frightened by the experiments of children with alcohol. We not only care for their health, understanding what can lead to abuse of alcohol. Sometimes we just do not know how to get down to the topic of alcohol, whether it is worth resorting to extreme measures and what to do if the child returns home clearly tipsy.
Why are they doing that
Two-thirds of Russian teenagers between the ages of 13 and 16 drink alcohol regularly, but many are familiar with wine and beer since the age of ten. Children at this age often think that adults do not like them enough, pay little attention to them, there is a feeling of inner emptiness and loneliness, which they muffle with the help of alcohol. Adolescents are pleased with the ease and freedom that comes with intoxication. After all, alcohol is a strong relaxing remedy. It helps to relieve emotional tension, get rid of shyness, complexes, barriers in communication. " In addition, alcohol and cigarettes are the only accessible and therefore especially attractive attributes of the adult world. Teenagers think that alcohol makes them older, so they flaunt drinking glasses and glasses. By connecting, therefore, to adulthood, they force parents to recognize that they have already ceased to be children. In fact, not all teenagers like the taste of alcohol, many people it disgusts. But even if the case ends in poisoning, alcohol takes such an important place in their ideas about growing up, that it's very difficult for them to stop and refuse to drink next time. Do not help and talk about the dangers of alcohol: at 14 years of health seems endless. Teenagers just do not believe us, they do not take our arguments seriously, so any words of adults are met with resistance: "Why can you and I can not?" Another important factor is "collectivism". A teenager needs a society of equals, where he is perceived as a person. The last school years are the only period in our life, when the sense of belonging to the group, the general standards of behavior, the opinion of peers are not just important, but they are a necessary condition for the development of the individual. That's why, once you try alcohol, teenagers are afraid to seem untenable in the eyes of friends and can not stop. They drink a lot and everything in a row, mix different beverages for the fortress, which makes intoxication many times stronger. In an experiment on an exercise machine, conducted by a group of psychologists led by Professor Temple University (USA), Laurence Steinberg (Laurence Steinberg), players were offered a choice: stop at a yellow traffic light signal or risk driving. Playing alone, both adults and teenagers chose a safe option. In the group game, adolescents risked twice as much, and the behavior of adults did not change. The presence of peers affects emotions so strongly that children act recklessly, and the desire to gain recognition is so great that it prevents them from adequately assessing the danger.
First reaction
"We have two sons, the senior is studying at the institute, the youngest is in the 10th grade," says Marina, 46, - My husband and I decided for a long time that we will be more or less loyal with regard to alcohol: if you want to try, try. At home, they sometimes could drink a glass of beer with us, several times the elder asked to buy a bottle of wine when he was on his birthday to the familiar boys. Of course, we did not offer them vodka, but they never had a desire to try something strong. As a result, the eldest son does not drink at all, besides, he is always behind the wheel, but the younger one once gave us a surprise ... The spectacle, I must say, was not very pleasant. But we reacted calmly to this, did not scold him, just laid him to sleep ... True, he himself was so scared that for a long time, I think, I remembered this experience. " Every tenth adult does not know whether his child ever consumed alcohol. Only 17% thought about what they would do if their child started having problems with alcohol, but 80% of parents would act if such problems arise. Some of us determine boundaries in advance, explain how to avoid trouble: "Of course, I understand that you drank beer in the park. But I do not advise you to interfere with it with wine or with anything else - headache and nausea are provided "; "Better come celebrate the end of the quarter to our home - in the school yard there is a chance to meet with the precinct"; "When you go camping, do not forget to stock up on sandwiches. In the air you are hungry, and it will be insulting if it turns out that you thought about wine, but about the snack - no. " But if, after all, your child has obviously drunk too much and in this form for the first time seemed to be in your eyes, do not be frightened. He decided to show you his fortune - that means he trusts you and counts on your understanding and help. Many of us in a critical situation lose their heads and fall on the teenager with reproaches. To this we are pushed by fear, anger, pity, a hard family experience, a load of parental responsibility and a sense of own impotence. Indeed, the first reaction of the parents is to scream ("How dare you!"), Start reading notations or even boycott. The other extreme is lamentations ("How bad are you"), the fuss around the child ("Let's have a drink, eat, make it easier"), irony, jokes, attempts to cheer. And that and the other reaction is dangerous. In the first case, we strengthen the shame and guilt of the child, who already feels that he has acted badly. And in the second, on the contrary, we show the teenager that his behavior is acceptable for us, nothing much has happened - nothing, everyday business. Try to refrain from any comments, act comprehensively, calmly, in an adult way. Offer to take a shower, open the window, put to bed. If your child drank too much with friends at age 14, this does not mean that he began to drink. It's just that he has the age of mastering new roles and new relationships.
If parents have a certain tactic of behavior with children, it will help out in any situation - be it vodka, drugs, anything. I think I have nothing to fear from alcohol stories, because my children do not have severe heredity, and this is a decisive factor. Well, if one of them still comes home after drinking, I'll calmly ask if he liked that he drank, where and with whom. When I was nine years old, parents often left the house in the evenings - at the cinema, theater, restaurants. And I was left alone. We lived then in Czechoslovakia. In the home bar there were a lot of interesting bottles: whiskey, vermouth, fortified wines, cognacs. I found this bar and arranged for myself in the evenings small children's drunkenness. I poured myself whiskey or vermouth. Half a stitch, more I just could not drink. I listened to music and savored it. It would seem that I had every chance of becoming an alcoholic. But it did not have any consequences for me at all. Maybe the parents noticed that the number of drinks is decreasing, but attention was not paid to it, because the bottles in the bar were open for a long time. I think that for pedagogical purposes it is possible to offer alcohol to the child one day. So did my father when I was eleven. His cape was on a hike. It was a hot summer day. We climbed to the top of the mountain, and there was just a picturesque restaurant. And we, sweaty, excited, sat down to eat. And suddenly my father offered me a beer. I said, "Come on!" He drank a large mug. We ate deliciously, rested and continued our march. "
Consistency and Trust
If a teenager has come home drunk, it is necessary to talk to him, and parents should do it together, having previously agreed their actions. The conversation should start not on the same day, but immediately after the child sober. It is senseless to talk meaningfully with a drunk child: even the most benevolent and reasonable words are unlikely to be heard. But also to postpone this conversation for a long time it is not necessary. When we pull the time, not daring to talk about what happened or not knowing how to behave after that, there is a risk that our reaction will break out completely on another occasion - because of a trifle like a tattered jacket, for example. Start with the main thing - from what you felt when you saw your son or daughter: express your fear, grief, surprise, indignation ("When I saw you at the door yesterday, I was scared, because the first time in my life I felt for you disgust"). At the same time, avoid condemning words and assessments ("You disappointed me"), talk only about yourself. Then you can ask about what happened the day before: "What and how much did you drink?"; "Who else was with you yesterday, how do they feel?"; "Did you like the taste of what you were drinking?"; "How did it happen that you could not stop on time?" If the child does not want to answer your questions, do not insist, if responding, react. For example, say that everything that happened is in any case an experience. But it seems to us that at the age of 13, it is too early to start drinking: the body is not yet adapted to such a load. At the same time, talking with teenagers solely about the dangers of alcohol, telling horror, instilling disgust and fear, is ineffective. Alcohol is a part of our culture, and children see well not only the suffering that the drinking person inflicts on themselves or others. They know (from their experience and from others) that alcohol brings pleasure: improves mood, causes unusual sensations, gives courage, facilitates communication. It is especially difficult to choose a line of behavior if someone abuses alcohol in a family. In this situation, it is not easy to find arguments that will be heard, besides, parents who like to drink often do not feel entitled to limit the child. But still there are several rules. Do not allow a teenager to drink with an adult. Avoid moralizing phrases like "Do not take an example from your father!" - they only complicate communication. Explain how to recognize substandard alcohol, learn to evaluate the taste of wine, explain how different drinks act on the body. " Sometimes it may seem that the most correct decision is a strict ban. This technique never works, and most likely will push the teenager to new experiments, which he will hide much more carefully. But to understand how and why it happened that the child was drunk, and whether he is going to repeat this experience, it is necessary. However, if the family has a good relationship, the ban can work: fear of losing confidence and the love of parents, perhaps, will make him think about his behavior. If the teenager has nothing to lose, because his parents have never been close to him, the ban will only strengthen the wall of mutual misunderstanding. Paradoxically, it is probably at this moment that one should think about the fact that our relationship with the child needs adjustments for the simple reason that it grew. But whatever happens in your child's life, it is important to keep the basis of your relationship - mutual respect, trust or at least minimal contact. Only in this case the teenager will hear you even in the period of the most reckless acts and the most desperate bravado.