Agree, this is rather strange: we are doing something, and our actions depend on development, everyday prosperity and human happiness of the beloved in the world and an expensive being - and at the same time, the essence of this activity is bad and we do not even understand, what is this - education. Let's try to understand.
As a result of our "pedagogical influences" the child changes. In any case, it must change. This means that we are somewhat dissatisfied with the way he is now.
Perhaps, even the child himself - in the measure of his understanding - is not happy. And we want the kid to change over time. "This, in my opinion, is obvious. If we wanted our children to remain the way they are, then no upbringing would be necessary at all. First, let's try to understand what, in fact, does not suit us in children. And what exactly is meant when they say: "A child is an immature person".
Unexpected history
Let's turn to the literature. Kornei Ivanovich Chukovsky in his famous book "From Two to Five" tells this episode: a little girl is sitting at a table, in front of her there is a vase with caramel and one single chocolate candy. Adults are near, everyone drinks tea. Any reasonable child (and children are creatures it's quite reasonable!) It's clear: a chocolate candy is more delicious than caramels, and it's the only, the latest, now somebody from an adult will eat it, and it will not get to me.Kara-ul! It's urgent to do something!
The girl, turning to her mother, says:
"Mummy, you take these beautiful ones, and I'll take this dirty one," and, making a grimace of disgust, takes a chocolate candy.
Look, what a touching care for a man! She chose chocolate candy not because of selfishness, not because she was afraid: suddenly someone else would eat it, but the girl would not get it - no! She took care of my mother. It turns out that the chocolate candy is unappetizing - dirty. A caramel - colorful, glossy - beautiful. And now our heroine, sacrificing herself, with disgust eats this "dirty" candy, and leaves some beautiful adults!
What nobleness! What generosity!
And now let's take care of everything seriously. The girl, of course, knows that the chocolate candy is tastier, better caramel, so she takes it exactly, and Mom leaves it worse. Apparently, the act of the child is motivated by the desire for one's own pleasure, regardless of the interests and needs of others (and the closest) people: we usually call this behavior selfish. It is known that the psyche and behavior of animals is governed by the desire for pleasure. Does this mean that the girl from the example of Kornei Ivanovich Chukovsky is a purely biological being? Behaves like an animal? In a sense, that's the way it is. However, unlike the animal, the child, in a certain way, explains (realizes) his behavior, and precisely because he explains it, he is able to behave this way.
If the girl realized that her motives are ugly, she would not have done so. But she did not understand this.
What the little girl said is actually an "internal monologue." Her words are, in effect, not addressed to others, but to herself. Perhaps this will seem strange to someone, but it often happens - and even with adults (at least, biologically grown-up people) .The person in something convinces himself.
What convinced the girl herself? That her motivation - to take a chocolate candy - is good, noble. At first glance, her arguments are strange: a chocolate candy that is much tastier, more expensive, it turns out, "dirty." And cheap caramels are "beautiful." But if you think a little, it becomes clear: who is looking for - that will always find. The young heroine needs to find something that caramels would be better than a chocolate candy - that's what she found. Another thing is that the appearance is still not the main thing in sweets. They are not meant for that, to admire them, but still - in order to eat them. But the girl needed to eat a candy, and convince herself that she did very well, having eaten this candy. What she managed to do. This baby is a man, not an animal. The latter does not need to convince himself of anything. Do not imagine your actions as good and noble. A person - you need. This self-deception just proves that the baby is a man, she wants to respect herself, she wants to be a Man. But he does not know yet. The ancient Chinese said: "Everything that is in animals exists in man, but not everything that is in man is in animals."
Throw a pack of dogs a few pieces of meat. Each strives to grab the one that is better, more. He will get the strongest, the largest, the wicked. But every dog would like to snatch the sweetest piece. So all animals behave, for them it is natural. Actually, the same little Chukovsky heroine behaved the same way. But she was able to do so, from the human point of view, very ugly, only because she deceived herself. I assured myself that her greed is not greed at all, but a good motivation. Is this characteristic for children? Alas, it is extremely characteristic!
Does it often happen that a kid behaves ugly, but does not understand that he is doing something wrong by deceiving himself? Very often. Here are two kids fought: mutuzhy each other and punched, and kicking, as many sparks fly. Come on. We distinguish. And what do we hear? Both are terribly outraged - no, not by themselves - by each other. "And he was the first to start!", "And he does not give me a car!" (Then it sometimes turns out that the "criminal" did not give his typewriter: why, I wonder, did he have to give it away?), "And he calls himself!". I am pure and beautiful, and my wrath is righteous, and he is to blame for everything. I guess that you want to object: yes, almost all adults behave themselves! Yes indeed. However, this is not psychologically and spiritually - but only biologically grown. That is, they are "grown-up children", "grown-up children". There are a lot of them in modern society. The real adults are not like that.
What is good
Biological impulses: greed, desire for pleasure at the expense of others, anger, revenge, envy - often guide the behavior of an immature person. And it does not matter how old he is. And the role of his human "I" in this case is reduced to deceiving himself: to convince that all my actions are good and noble.
This is the state of immaturity of man. The same Kornei Ivanovich Chukovsky tells of a boy who boasted: "And I have so much dust in the country!" Another kid was saying: "And I have bugs in my bed!"
It turns out that the child's self-awareness is relative. Concerning other people, and, first of all, children (because with adults, children do not compare themselves, realizing that it is unprofitable for them: adults have a lot of advantages). If I outnumber others, I respect myself. It turns out, the child achieves self-esteem, belittling others.
Moreover, he does not need any objective grounds for self-respect. Something he will certainly find. For example, he has bed bugs - and the other does not. Aha! He has so much dust in the country - and less in others. Aha!
And it is congenital (as, indeed, all our biological and spiritual needs, only so-called "social needs" - for example, the need for a Jacuzzi - are acquired.) Of course, we are not satisfied if the child will satisfy it all his life by means of boasting or at the expense of humiliation of other people.And these are the properties of immature person.It is also important to understand that the "maturity" or "immaturity" of a person is objective concepts.The child (or infantile adult) simply can not behave differently, does not know how, and has not yet learned, P ka does not become a mature person from it is pointless to require this. Agree, if we do not teach the baby to play the piano, it would be strange to demand from him to sit down at the piano and play the "Appassionata" Beethoven? Similarly, the situation is with the behavior of a person or the world of his emotions.
Parting words
As we found out, the main thing for any of us is to achieve self-esteem. But here's the question: how does immature personality achieve self-esteem? The answer is obvious: due to the humiliation of others, boasting, self-deception. And how does a mature person achieve self-esteem? Due to some real achievements (for example, in work or in family life), strict observance of moral standards. And what is upbringing? It is clear that upbringing is that, as a result of which our baby gradually becomes a mature person. Undoubtedly, upbringing is a serious science. To parents who have just begun to comprehend it, I want to wish patience for tolerance and perseverance in achieving noble goals. Finding correct solutions often helps our world perception and sincere love for your child.