Nothing turns our life so abruptly as the appearance of a tiny little man in the house. The first few months we can not tear ourselves away from the baby for a second. But even a couple of months ago, although the stomach was already living its own life and prevented tying shoelaces on shoes, we could confidently say that we belong entirely to ourselves. It was not difficult to maintain contacts and family relations for 9 months: we enjoyed going to the movies, arranged family dinners, and last week even managed to dance tango at the wedding of a colleague. But after discharge from the maternity hospital over the friendship, gray clouds thickened. "Each time, becoming a mother, a woman changes herself, and then her perception of the world changes. The appearance of the baby, unimportantly, first, second or third, implies a new regime of the day, new fears, a new circle of interests. " Relations with others also transform. For some time the woman closes in her world moving away from friends, relatives and even from her husband, and this is natural. The first 2-3 months after the birth of the baby our body experiences a strong shake-up: the number of hormones, which has increased 50 times during pregnancy, drops sharply to normal. Young mothers are sad for no reason, become irritable, experience an inexplicable anxiety. These moods are especially acute during the first month, but they are regular and pass quickly. Americans call this state baby blues (in free translation - "discouragement caused by the birth of a baby"). Very soon a woman gets used to the role of the mother so much that all her other hypostases - lovers, wives, girlfriends - go to the second and third plans. The first 3-6 months she learns to understand the baby, and this leaves all her strength and attention. "
Best friend
You studied together on language courses in the USA, mastered origami, traveled throughout Europe for half a year and, of course, shared the most intimate. But after you became a mom, your best friend does not want to understand why you do not have enough time for her. "If adult women resent each other like schoolgirls (" You went on sale, but did not call me "), the child will be perceived as razluchnik, and temporary inaccessibility - as treason. Mom is important to prioritize, to think, who is more dear to her now - girlfriend or child? And allow yourself to take a break in the relationship, so that after some time to resume them again. " But it is not necessary to break ties completely, especially since it's useful to take respites. Do not forget about other bonuses. If you have at least a window of freedom in your busy schedule, your lonely girlfriend will quickly agree to spend your leisure with you, than your friends, burdened by children and her husband. To correct the situation, first talk with her. "Explain to your friend that you have a lot of cases, that your regime has changed dramatically and that you are very tired," advises the psychologist. - And then offer your script, clearly indicating the time limits: "I really want to see you, and on Wednesday night I will just have 2 free hours" or "Let's call in 2 weeks". Such an arrangement makes sense to adjust, if communication brings pleasure. Otherwise, you do not need to jump over yourself and adjust to your girlfriend, just to not offend her. Ask yourself, why are you so afraid of losing contact with this person? If your relationship is built on the principle of mutual trade "you - me, I - you", do you really need this? In any case, your girlfriend must decide for herself whether she is willing to accept your terms or not.
Friends-rivals
After the birth of the baby, you yourself without noticing, became friends with friends who have children. Now they have great authority in your eyes, than your lonely friends. "Communication with" companions-in-arms by happiness "helps my mother reduce anxiety for the baby." But sometimes the exchange of experience does not go as smoothly as it was dreamed. The subject for a dispute is always found: you choose diapers, she - diapers, you vote for canned food, she - for homemade food ... "The question is not who is right and who is not, all in fact raise children in different ways. Close the topic can be a capacious phrase: "We are all different." If there is a desire, explain the details: "I do not take children to a restaurant, because with them I can not relax and enjoy communicating with you." If there was competition between you and your girlfriend (who has a bag more fashionable, the hair is more magnificent, the husband is slimmer), after the birth of children, she will flow in a new channel: whose baby has sat down, went or spoke first, who bought more toys for the child, etc. "Compare children is harmful. If the behavior or development of the child objectively causes you to fear, the girlfriend's words are better to perceive as a signal to action. Your task is not to overtake or catch up with your girlfriend, but to help your child by showing him to the doctor in time.
Oasis well-wishers
If you went to work soon after the birth of a child, you were probably met with a mute reproach in a purely female team, which is not only well read in the condemning views, but from time to time it acquires the verbal shell: "Did not you dream of doing your child's education?" Or "How did you decide to leave the baby child to the mercy of a nanny!" Such accusations increase the sense of guilt if you are tormented about it. "Some people say this out of good intentions, wishing you well, because they may not know all the details of your off-ohms life. If these comments hurt you, tell your colleagues about your feelings and explain the reason for such an early exit from the decree: "If you knew how I'm suffering, but my husband was recently cut down, and now I'm feeding the family alone." In men's groups, young mothers are sent another, but no less insulting message: "What kind of an employee are you from now!" This kind of correct observation grabs you, and you are trying in every way to restore the trust of colleagues: sit up in the office until late, take on too many obligations and try not to talk about the child. As a result, everyone suffers: colleagues who are forced to insure you, and a kid who does not have enough mother's attention, and you yourself. "If you have the opportunity at least a year to sit at home with your child, use it. If you do not rush to work, but devote yourself to raising a baby, he will have a basic trust in the world during this time, and you can tell yourself that you did everything you could for him. " There is also a third variant of the development of events, when colleagues pretend that nothing special has happened to you. They unceremoniously wake you up in the middle of the night to ask where the hole pile lies, or persuade to go to work on the weekend. You either fulfill the request with your teeth, or turn off the phone. "Such tactics will not help to keep the nerve cells, but in fact the nursing mother should not worry. First, decide how much time you want to spend in the decree. Ask yourself: can I go to work after 3 months or do I need to take at least a year? If I go out in 3 months, how will I feel then? With whom will I leave the child? Will I be able to devote myself entirely to work? Having developed an action plan, report it to your superiors as a fait accompli: "It will be right for my child, my family and myself. It's good for a young mother to be selfish, and you should not be embarrassed. "
Family affairs
With the appearance of the baby, the status of the woman within the family changes. Sometimes he rises, for example, if she has an elderly childless sister, and sometimes falls, for example, if instead of the long-awaited boy a fourth girl appears. In both cases, criticism is often poured onto a young mother. The older sister, who, perhaps, herself wants to get married, will try to raise her self-esteem, periodically touching the feelings of the younger. "Foreign remarks hurt us only if we are unhappy with ourselves. If your sister's words hurt you, think about it. Perhaps you are not happy that you are like a housewife. If so, try to change the situation. " Behind the reproaches we hear or say, often conceal low self-esteem, self-doubt, sadness about missed opportunities. "When you realize that your sister is suffering, because her personal life does not add up and her words do not really have a direct relationship to you, you will react to them calmly, and the desire to respond the same will disappear." In families with a patriarchal way, women have other problems. "If relatives wait for the boy, and a girl appears, the young mother feels guilty. It is important to understand that apart from the extended "cell of society", which includes grandparents, uncles and aunts, brothers and sisters who share a number of common values, you have your own family with its rules and priorities, a family for which the fourth daughter - not grief, but great happiness. "