Before starting a conversation on this topic, it is necessary to understand the very concept. Many perceive rudeness through a typical dialogue "where are you going ?!" is a fool! ". But such everyday situations, even if we get into them almost every day, only the tip of the iceberg: with a little training with them you can cope. What is more difficult is the rudeness in the broad sense of the word.
Where did the "rudeness" come from?
If you remember the sad biblical story about one of the sons of Noah, Hama, it might seem as if the guy did not get anything at all: well, he found a drunken father naked, well, he told the brothers about what he saw-is this really an excuse for damnation? Why later the concept of "rudeness" began to denote a rude, outrageous behavior?
Rudeness is often about claims to power. Expressed in the hierarchically unequal communication, when a person claims to status higher, but does not really have it. In ancient times, it was believed that the son who saw his father's nakedness showed disrespect for the parent in this way. And let the times have changed, the background of the phenomenon is the same: you get a reaction that you do not expect. Therefore rudeness can be expressed in different forms. You come to ZhEK for help, and the aunt in the window underlines carefully her fingernails, instead of answering the greeting, rude. You read the report at the meeting, but the boss unceremoniously interrupts you-shows disrespect. You're drinking your husband for the scattered socks - are you already rambling? "The horror is that we all act as boors at different times, and this too has a logical explanation.
Rudeness is one of the acceptable ways to get away from direct confrontation. Most often this is a kind of self-defense, sometimes a desire to show who is in charge here, and for someone else is a way to cope with the internal conflict. Therefore, if you sincerely believe that the whole world turned to you not the most beautiful place, look inward to yourself first - maybe you too take too much on yourself?
By the looks and can not be said
The problem is that rudeness is a matter of subjectivity of perception. We all have different upbringings, and someone has enough slanting eyes to feel offended, and someone and a shovel can be punished with impunity. But do not give up, the criterion is still there, and we have already identified it: it is an unequal response to certain actions. If you doubt your correctness or, on the contrary, suspect yourself of touchiness and paranoia, keep the cheat sheet.
Bear in mind that such behavior is not a sin and offense:
- Phrases "You misunderstand me", "It's obvious", "How can you not understand this?", "It's known by everyone", "In fact, everything is a bit wrong" seems to sound harmless, but in fact hint at the stupidity of the opponent .
- People ask a question, but they do not listen to the answer, or they change the topic of conversation dramatically.
- A person expresses his opinion on a serious matter, and the interlocutor laughs unexpectedly.
- The opponent interrupts the interlocutor or conducts the conversation as if doing a favor.
- During a conversation, the opponent turns away or pretends that now is not up to him.
- The person causes excessive curiosity: the person is examined, touched.
- In the presence of a person they speak of him in the third person.
We understand, understand, unpleasant to realize that you are a boor. Especially some people mistakenly believe that only citizens with a lack of intelligence are capable of disrespectful behavior. And you, for example, have a warm baby with a strict mother behind them, good grades in school, a diploma with honors, a master's degree, classical music, theaters. But let's dot the i and get rid of unnecessary guilt. So, why rudeness is it normal? Because if you did not have this instrument, you would want to show your husband who is in charge here, applied an uppercut, and a beloved man, it's possible, would answer with a hook on the right. But you just say: "Get up from the couch, which of you is your father, hammer at last a nail, so Igor Popov bought Masha a car," he responds with a snap: "Leave, huh? Or, a scoundrel from a stupid boss, you might well have explained at the general meeting: "You know what, Aristarkh Epifanievich? Your policy of managing the department is corrupt, you have disorganized the staff, it makes me mad." You're in moments of discontent except that the door slam a little louder than usual. And you know, let your behavior is difficult to call a model, but it is justified. Because all this is not the most conflicted expression of anger ("What am I? I am nothing"), the feeling inherent in all normal people and helping them to protect their own values. And if you do not give him the will, the consequences can be very sad.
The reaction has gone
One of the main signs of a mature person is the ability to feel his anger at those moments when he just appears. After all, later, full of fury, a person becomes weak before the power of his feelings. It would be nice, of course, to be able to recognize the irritation in that sweet moment, when it only took root and immediately let off steam: crush the antistress ball, walk around with a quick step, and simply express your discontent, but politely, as they say, without a run-in. But, unfortunately, most of us are products of the education of the Soviet system. Since childhood we have been taught that it is wrong to feel anger, it's wrong, you need to restrain emotions, be strong. That's why many adult people do not know how to detect irritation in time and suffer to the last, giving out aggressive behavior in the end. And this is seen not only frantic rude, but shy, intelligent citizens - just a reaction for both types of different. Aggressiveness manifests itself in three realities:
- in behavior;
- in thoughts;
- in physiology.
Sociologists have long been concerned that remarks in response to rudeness in our cultural environment are not accepted. They call this the weakening of social control. The formula is simple: indifference, multiplied by the motto "every man for himself," is equal to the "flowering of unceremoniousness in society."
What to do?
To cope with rudeness, you need to realize that the spirit of "do not react, be above it" has lost its relevance. First of all, because you react in one way or another. The question is only how: say something in response (from outside) or you will experience the insult inside yourself (outside). For your mind and your body, the intelligent "outside" acts destructively: do you remember the feeling of anxiety and psychosomatics? But do not think that we urge you to learn to be rude: the answer to the abuser does not mean rudeness. So, if you suddenly cut a sausage to a saleswoman, the saleswoman blurts out: "There are many of you, and I'm alone, all sorts of things are going on here!", Do not frantically remember all the foul language that you were taught in high school. It is enough to take a couple of deep breaths and remember that cutting a sausage and serving customers is the girl's direct duty. Therefore, simply state this fact politely, as calmly as possible, but firmly: "I'm sorry, you are a seller, and I'm a buyer. And at the moment you have to serve me." As a rule, such phrases are sobering.
There is another secret: often the victims of aggression unconsciously provoke the attacker. Remember the bad days: the boss did not like your project, the car broke down, without warning the hot water was turned off, and now that same hamovataya saleswoman looms on the horizon and becomes the last straw. The internal state is reflected not only in facial expressions, but also in the external appearance as a whole. Therefore, if you look and behave insecure, and maybe in the light of recent events, irritated, then the chances of getting into the field of view of the rude are rising sharply.
The conclusion is one: do not want to face unpleasant phenomena - watch your inner state. Do not want to be a bait? Then straighten your back, look people in the eyes, speak calmly, without going into a whisper and much less shouting.
Save, I'm all burned!
If you understand that she herself does not mind getting up in response to, maybe not the most correct, but certainly not the most rude remark, or reached the handle and is ready to eat anyone you meet, you will have to learn to react adequately. Oriental practices will help you in this, for example breathing. Deep and slow breaths-exhalations will allow you to find balance, very fast and short - almost instantly switch from external sensations to internal ones. Another method is also good and came to us from the USA. Instead of blurt out insulting words or burst into tears, stop and ask yourself:
- What is threatening me now? (Look at the situation outside);
- What does this threaten me with? (Look inside yourself: authority, feelings);
- What can I do to protect myself, without going beyond the bounds of decency?