What happens when a mother or father becomes "educators", and the child ceases to be a child and becomes an "object of education"? Why are we often intolerant of childish pranks, and the presence of witnesses contributes to the fact that this intolerance becomes even greater? Why are we, like tireless sculptors, ready to cut, chip and re-thread their children under a certain pattern? Let's look at the reasons.
For some reason it happened that the parents automatically write themselves in the "generals". The child is a "private", whose task is to carry out orders. Some even communicate with their baby with the help of verbs in the imperative mood: stand, sit, take! They just do not have enough "Fu!" And "Fas!" These parents piously believe that the child needs to be kept in an iron grip, otherwise he will sit down on his head - "What's there, a child's Personality ?!"
What is it that scared the kid of these adults uncle and aunt? But the fear is present - the fear of unpredictability in the upbringing of a child of preschool age. But who confesses that he is afraid of his child? To hide his helplessness, the parent declares: "I am a big and main; you - small and secondary "- and uses a directive style of communication, the purpose of which is to show the kid his place in relation to" comrade general ".
Here it is a question of the parents' desire to give the child their own baggage of knowledge and experience: attitudes, traditions, stereotypes. The kid is like a blank sheet of paper, and many parents consider it their duty to fill it up at their discretion.
What is behind this obsession? First, the fear of losing control over a child, and secondly, the inability to live your life, because the best way to escape from yourself is to do something else.
Superstitious fear of moms and dads, that something can happen to a child, especially if they are not around, sometimes reaches an incredible size and gives rise to consequences. "If you do / do not do this, I will not survive," "If something happens to you, I will die." Manipulation of the possible "death" of a loved one frightens the baby, especially at 5-6 years of age, when this topic becomes actual for him. And in his child's head, his "bad" behavior and the fact that something terrible can happen to his parents. The slightest deviation from the prescribed line of conduct, and a sense of guilt covers the child with the head - makes you suffer, but do so that "the parents do not worry."
Is it really a fear for the child? Rather, fear for yourself. What happens to the parents if something happens to the child? What will happen to their more or less fixed world? What mother / father will they appear before others? And the so-called "excitement for the child" is an excellent common disguise in the upbringing of a child of preschool age.
The difficulties of the first years of life often impose an indelible imprint on the parents: "We did not sleep because of you", "We did everything for you, and you - an ungrateful creature", "We have laid our whole life on you ..." Conclusion: parents incredibly suffered as a result of this whole story with childbearing, which means that the child must compensate them for "lost years" and health - attention, behavior, and later with their whole life. If the child decided to "ride the train" in his direction, then the pre-infarction state of the mom-dad can not be avoided.
Why do many parents intolerant about the choice of a child, even at the level of simple things? Because it is not a child as such. It's about using a small person for their own purposes. In order to feel necessary and meaningful in order to maintain the feeling that everything happened in vain, that life is filled with meaning.
Concern with his social face leads parents to have to strictly control themselves and their children for "decent behavior". It is quite clear that only a "fictitious" child can always behave "well": masterfully avoid parental discontent, make a compromise and without a reason not to gleam. Have you seen this? And an ordinary child talently creates situations in which parents have to blush and apologize. "He does it on purpose!" No, the boy is just testing the world for strength. And mom and dad are not the most flexible elements.
Society (by the way, the concept is very fuzzy) is much more important than the parents themselves and the little man who dared to violate certain rules. Parents are ashamed of their child, they are ready to "break" it at the time of its "fall" in the eyes of society: "We are all watched!", "A disgrace, not a child!" Who among us has not heard, or even said these the words?
But the most, perhaps, interesting question that parents can ask theirchild: "And to whom did you get this sort of thing?" That is, everyone should understand that dad and mom have absolutely nothing to do with it. This "unbearable" creature fell on their heads from where it was not clear. They are "white and fluffy", and this monster is a fly in the tar of their honey barrel of impeccable biographies. And now they will have to work hard for a long time to "mold" a real person. Of course, the same as they. Only a miracle for some reason does not happen. Why, what do you think?
What can you say about the curtain? Self-deception of adults is that they think that they are smarter and steeper than children. And that their task is to do something with the child. Adults know how to speak the right words, read a lot of books on psychology and pedagogy. But! With a child, one must learn to be, one must learn to listen and hear. And this is possible only if adults, at least for a minute, leave the parental image and doubt that their "correctness" is the truth in the last instance. And then their incompetence and helplessness can be revealed! But do not run from these experiences. Living their so-called "irregularity", parents can get up with the child on one level, and therefore, understand what is happening between them. And the problem of "upbringing" will begin to resolve itself, as interaction with the baby will begin to turn from a "reinforced concrete business of the whole parental life" into a casual friendly communication.