Your child grows and wants to have secrets. And you are concerned that by agreeing with this, you lose peace and necessary control. What to do? Relationships between parents and teenagers are not an easy topic, but psychologists advise to survive this time as calmly as possible. Below are practical tips on specific situations.
Situation 1. On the door to his room a son recently hung a sign: "Please knock." He began to close his desk drawer with a key - he did not even let him touch it. To the question "What do you have there?" Answers that it's none of my business. Recently made a scandal when I opened his school backpack (I wanted to put him a diary, which checked). My son began to shout that I have no right to touch his things, that this is his personal space and his personal life. Is it rather early - at 13? How do I respond to such attacks and what do I do?
Advice of specialists:
Recognizing the right to privacy of his son, you make it clear that you respect him. At this age, "equal partners" are established between the parents and children of adolescents. Children no longer want to obey blindly. If you want something from them, justify your request. If you are interested in something - do not insist on answering. Your child has grown up and wants to be independent, he needs to have a place where adults do not have access. The digging in his things is the lack of respect for the child, the violation of his rights to privacy. In addition, it will only lead to aggression, the child will close from you and your relationship will then be extremely difficult to establish. But this does not mean that the life of a teenager's child should be uncontrolled. There are situations when parents just need to intervene in time - for example, when you have reason to suspect that the child is using drugs. But even then simple interrogation and surveillance will not help - you need to earn the child's trust, you need to get in touch with him. Then he will reveal his secrets to you, as it is very difficult for adolescents to keep such things in themselves. At this stage it turns out that the more reasonable freedom you give to a child - the more controllable it will be for you. He will trust you, respect you, he will not want to keep secrets from you. After all, he is still essentially a child and needs advice, guidance and support. Give him freedom - and control reasonably.
Situation 2. Until recently, I had close contact with my daughter. She always liked chatting with me, trusted all her secrets. We talked for a long time about the school, about her friends, about the teachers ... Unfortunately, the situation changed, because six months ago the daughter met one of the boys and, it seems, fell in love with him. I can not say anything bad about him - he is a good boy, pleasant in all respects. Since he lives in our district, I see them with my daughter almost daily. But this does not tell me anything. When they are at home, they either study or watch TV. However, I have no idea what they are doing together outside the home - a daughter of 15 years old, at this age anything can happen. I try to ask my daughter questions, but she only becomes self-absorbed and does not say anything. I only know that they are kissing, but suddenly everything has already gone further ?! I try to follow the situation better, because I do not want my daughter to ruin her life.
Advice of specialists:
Most adolescent children do not want to talk to their parents about their relationship with the opposite sex and about their first love. Open and talkative on other topics, they will persistently keep this question to themselves. This secret must be accepted by you. Do not force your children to trust you with the most intimate, because this can lead to the opposite effect. It is understandable that you want to know as much as possible about your daughter's intimate life, in order to protect her from the risk of accidental pregnancy. But you in this matter should be wise, thoughtful and take into account the fact that your child is a teenager already grown up. Your daughter should first of all hear from you what is important in this connection and why. This young feeling, although hot, is often unstable, so you have to explain to the girl the essence of sexual relationships based on love. The starting point for such explanations should be their own experience, the opinion of respected people whom the child knows and respects. Your daughter will feel support and know that you are concerned about her future. Be sure to talk directly about contraception! Be honest and open - your child will reveal in response to your sincerity. Children at any age important to know that they can always count on your help and advice.
Situation 3. My daughter has practically settled on the Internet, and she's only 12 years old! Immediately after school, she runs to the computer and sits after him until the evening. She barely manages to get her to sit for lessons. But even here she rushes to the computer every free minute to send another message or answer it. She has her own room, I can not see what she really sees on the screen or who she contacts via the Internet. I, of course, told her that she should be careful, because she can run into some pedophile. But I doubt that the daughter took it seriously. I can not forbid her access to pages related to sex - she may accidentally stumble upon some pornographic films or photographs. I'm in a quandary because, on the one hand, I do not want to be the guardian of my daughter, and on the other, I do not trust her completely. It happens that she does not return from her friends at the appointed time, but I learn about the bad evaluation in school only from third parties. Maybe I should start to control my daughter more so that she does not sit for a long time at the computer and does not create additional problems?
Advice of specialists:
Although the virtual world is fascinating, not only for children, but also for adults - the risk to which adolescents are exposed is prohibitive. The Internet is a whole world where a child can meet anyone, get under someone else's influence and see something that does not match his age. How can you protect your child from the virtual world and its separate especially adult areas? Control your daughter. And here it is not up to human rights or the personal space of the child - everything is much more serious here. Tell your daughter that you will be viewing the history of the sites that she visits. Explain this softly, but insistently: "I do not want anyone to hurt you, so your virtual life should not be a secret." You can also configure the parent code lock on a particular computer, through which part of the sites will be banned for viewing without a special password. Specify also sites that are completely safe (for example, educational programs) where a teenage child can get a lot of useful information. Such monitoring usually irritates children, but it is absolutely necessary. This will not harm the further relations between parents and teenagers, and with the right approach it will only strengthen them. The child actually wants to know that you care about him. He wants to see your interest and care. And although sometimes they protest - later they admit that they are grateful to their parents for timely intervention and psychological support.