We are all the children of our parents. We trust them from early childhood - after all these people raised us and took care of us. Over time, many become parents themselves, and are surprised to discover what a hard work this is. But with all understanding, we have those, previous and often not yet completed relationships - for example, mom and daughter.
With a high probability, they will not have to be "adjusted" to new realities, but completely reconstructed. The girl grew up, my mother persists - where does the roots of this conflict come from and how to solve it correctly?
Difficult period of growing up
The growth of sons is comparatively easier, but not softer. Girls tend to agree with their mother, or at least not to conflict once again. And the sons quite sharply declare their own independence and isolation. Therefore, the question "how to build a mother's relationship with an adult daughter?" Is much more acute than in the "son-father" relationship.
The worst thing that you can think of, and that will certainly affect the life of the girl, the future woman - is to defend their "adulthood." The right to be yourself, to have your own convictions and become the cause of quarrels, the complex relationship between the grown daughter and her mother. And how to build a relationship with an adult daughter, if both sides persist?
Problem periods
5-7 years. Unconscious competition for "Dad"
The first problems begin before adolescence. They are based on the competition between mom and daughter. Who would have thought that they would have to prove their worthiness for a five-seven-year-old daughter?
And if my mother has at least some doubts about her beauty, success, her mind, they all probably will cause a serious relationship with her daughter. After all, children very clearly catch where we feel uncomfortable, where we seem ridiculous or incompetent.
The worst thing that mom can do is seriously compete with her young daughter. "How so, she points me to my shortcomings!" - Mom will be indignant and will be wrong. And the best thing is to praise her from the very first conscious actions of the little girl.
She washed her plate, buried her dinner in the microwave, or wiped the dust in the house, brought the first five - all this is an occasion to recognize her success. As it was in the wise cartoon: "Did you take out the trash? Clever daughter! "
And the adult daughter, who survived this period not without losses, should reflect on the fact that childhood has long ended, and continue that insane competition with my mother is at least stupid.
13-19 years old. Age of first kisses
The first walks with the boys (even chastely, by the hand, or in the general company) can cause problems with the mother. Even if it once enjoyed success and popularity, it consumes unconscious envy. Now mother is a "husband's wife", and besides, the freshness of the first feelings can not be returned.
Add here the typical fears "What if my daughter is no longer a virgin? Suddenly, someone will offend her? ", And you will understand what is the mother with her teenage daughter. In addition to reasonable concern for life, health (physical and mental) of her "blood", she is forced to recognize her burgeoning femininity. And how to build a relationship with an adult mother after an absolutely unrecognized covert competition at this stage of her growing up is incomprehensible. In any case, psychologists undertake to restore relationships only when both mom and daughter are already independent individuals. Otherwise it will be like this: "My child is completely ruined! Do something with her! "
20 and older. After the "rebellion." Family life
What can be more touching and pleasant than a daughter who marries acquires her own family? Only a daughter who does not do all this!
Mom is difficult to accept that her daughter is already on equal terms with her. The same or (worse) - at a higher level takes care of his man, keeps the house clean and prepares insanely complex dishes.
The next round of competition is aggravated by the fact that the daughter is already able to calmly listen to the claims, and "teenage rebellion" she can not assign. She's already grown up. At this stage, moms are already thinking about what does not seem to be needed by their daughters. But mums are always needed!
This stage of the conflict is the most beneficial, and how to build a mother's relationship with an adult daughter will be prompted by the heart. It is easiest to find those "strings", those areas in which the mother needs and can provide invaluable help. Parenting? Benevolent advice on the au pair, when asked? Vest for all tears, which cause the first upsets in family life?
There are many options. But a wise and sensitive mother will notice when her daughter also begins to "drag on" to her mother, to build absolutely different, not "childish" relationships. Full-fledged, friendly, partner (you - me, I - you) - all are characteristics of the quality of communication between mom and daughter.
The main thing that will help the mother to establish relations with an adult daughter:
- be useful, but not intrude;
- to be a friend, but not to ask my daughter to share her mother's interests.
Active, active mom
"Pensioner" is a stigma. As, however, and "grandmother". Ladies do not want to admit to themselves, but the birth of grandchildren is a joyful event, marred by a new status. But my mother, who "for fifty" rushes to extremes, does braces and runs around the gentlemen - no less shame for her daughter.
On the one hand, the "sour swamp", which is formed even around the working pensioner, drags out. On the other hand, activity should also be moderate. The daughter will surely have more respect for her mother if she is active and active if she has her own interests. And if the mother does not neglect the help of the young family - then this is the golden mom, and the relationship with her will be the most wonderful!