Perhaps, "stepmother" - one of the most terrible words of the Russian language. In it everything: horror stories of Russian (and not only) folk tales, and stereotyped traditional beliefs, and, finally, the horror of the child living in each of us, to remain without the most dear and dearest person in the world - without a mother. About what should and how the relationship of stepfather, stepmother and children, and how to make these relations harmonious, read below.
Reflecting on the difficulties and horrors of life with the "second mother", basically take into account the feelings of the child, stepdaughter or stepchild. But about how uneasy it is for a stepmother, for some reason they think much less often. Meanwhile, she also has a hard time. Especially if the stepmother does not at all resemble the textbook fairy-tale character, but rather wants to live in peace, love and harmony not only with her new husband, but also with his children.
It can be assumed that if potential stepmothers could clearly imagine what they expected in reality, the number of repeated marriages for men would be reduced by an order of magnitude. But, fortunately or unfortunately, many young ladies and even quite adult women, while preparing for the wedding, prefer to calm themselves with unsupported hopes for the "prudence" and "benevolence" of potential stepsons and stepdads, as well as the talents of a diplomat, teacher and child psychologist . Need I say that air locks usually crumble immediately after the wedding dinner? But this is not the worst thing. It is even more unpleasant that a woman deceived in her expectations, as a rule, becomes angry with children, tries to repay them with the same coin and, instead of trying to establish relations, opens full-scale fighting. Which, of course, puts an end to all the hopes of ever building a normal family with these children, and with their father. At the same time, those future stepmothers, who are not afraid to look at the real picture, manage to become adopted children, if not the second mother, then at least a true friend.
Before entering a stranger (yes, the house of your future husband is still someone else's, just like his family and his children), remember the saying about the charter and the monastery. Remembered? So do not forget, because in the first time after the beginning of a joint life, you will have to coordinate all your actions, deeds and desires with it. And to live was a little easier, try not to violate the three basic rules.
Rule one: all the same, everything will be different.
Yes, you can draw idyllic images of a happy family life, imagine how all three of you (four of us, five) will read each other out loud, or have dinner together, or lead long conversations before going to bed, or playing together in snowballs and to decorate a Christmas tree - in practice it will still turn out exactly the opposite. Supper in this family are used to when they like (and do not forget that you do not come to an empty place that just waits for it to be arranged, but to an already existing family), nobody likes to read, and the tree is not put at all. The most reasonable thing that a new stepmother can do in this situation is to accept the rules that are set in this house. As, strictly speaking, it is assigned to every well-educated guest. Yes, you are still a guest, despite the ring on the ring finger, the stamp in the passport and the age difference between you and the children. And the hostess or at least a full member of the family will not become until all household members recognize you as such. Themselves and voluntarily.
Rule two: no revolution.
Yes, maybe the orders in your elected house are beside you. Maybe it seems to you that normal people simply can not live in such dirt, disarrangement and permissiveness. Maybe you even know exactly how to do it, so that everyone will feel better. Excellent. I hope you will not come to mind to start an instant restructuring of the usual way of thinking under the slogan: "Well, now we will live!". In this case, the most real threat will hang over normal relations of stepfather, stepmother and children.
A person does not like and even fears change. Especially not to his liking, the changes are sudden, aggressive. But he has nothing against progress. Provided that he will enter into life discreetly, slowly. Do you understand what we're talking about? Already by your appearance you have changed the life of the family. And everyone who enters it will have to get used to the new filling of life. Give them time, do not rush. No one calls to abandon their plans forever - just embody them softer. It is better if you let the changes in the house and in the relationship develop gradually, over time. Let your decisive role in them be a minimum, at least externally. So you will be able to avoid active resistance, which is natural for people who perceive something new.
Rule three: relationships first!
Often it turns out this way: the stepmother is not bad because something requires the child, but because it requires it right after the wedding, from the doorstep. You came to a new family and immediately got a bunch of responsibilities: from now on you are responsible for caring for the husband and his child, for their well-being, health, development. It would be logical to assume that simultaneously with the duties you will be given rights. It is logical, but, alas, it is wrong. Neither the child nor even the husband is ready to immediately grant you the right and the opportunity to punish, reproach. And this, in general, is not surprising: such rights are given only to those who are loved and whose authority is recognized. Neither one nor the other can not be obtained automatically, showing the child a stamp in the passport. Good relations between stepfather, stepmother and children will have to be won.
And because, no matter how you scratched your hands to take up the stepson or stepdaughter, try yourself. In the end, before you is not a pet and not a cactus, but a living person, independent and endowed with all the rights. At first, the family needs to try to take more care of your relationships with new little relatives, and talk about the benefits and harm of punishments and demands made better left for the husband. Do not forget that any tough activity on the part of the stepmother, no matter how fair, can cause offense to the children and make them doubt their father. But do not go to the other extreme: do not try to win the child's favor, spoiling him and indulging in everything. In the best case, get scorn, at worst you'll sit on your neck, so much so that later with the help of your husband you will not take it off!
How to communicate with him now?
Yes, that's another task! Stephens and stepdaughters, often unwittingly, are able to turn a stepmother's life into a real hell. Fortunately, if a woman understands why children behave this way, and not otherwise, it's a little easier for her to deal with the negative.
The child constantly requires the attention of the pope. Indeed, it seems that without the pope, this kid and a step can not set foot: in the morning he wants his father to take him to a kindergarten, in the evenings only from him ready to take a fairy tale, and on weekends he tries to get the attention of the pope unreservedly. He can even have fears that were not there before and whose real purpose is to attract the attention of his father.
There is nothing surprising in this behavior. In children who lost one of their parents, in fact there are fears - the fear of losing the love of the second parent. They tend to feel less protected than in "ordinary" complete families. It is not surprising that to your appearance they often refer, as to the emergence of a competitor who threatens to take their own place as a pet. This is expressed very clearly in families where the father and the child had to live for a long time alone, which means that the child felt himself to be the only one that was loved and most important for the pope.
What to do? First, do not compete with the child for the love of a man. Secondly, do not force events. If you behave correctly, sooner or later the kid will understand that he has nothing to fear and will calm down. Third, do not stay away. Yes, yes, if you just look from the side to how frolicking together father and son or daughter, you risk forever remain only a spectator. You will need to collect all your self-control (not to embark on the warpath for the love of the head of the family), a sense of proportion (not to seem to the child compulsive) and resourcefulness (to find such functions as the child needs, and with which you can cope better than his father) . What should you do specifically? It is necessary to choose, looking at the current situation. The main thing is to let the baby feel that he did not lose, but bought it.
The child always compares the mother to her stepmother. This is the most difficult in the relationship of stepfather, stepmother and children. No matter how angel your patience may be, it can also not stand if you are told a hundred times a day that "Mom cooks this cookie delicious", "and my mother never said so," and, finally, "my mother is the most beautiful. " How here not to break? Yes, it's very simple: remember the old saying "everything is learned in comparison" - you will surely feel better. After all, the child first as a properly recognized mother (which, by the way, was just for him an unconditional authority), and only then you. So take these comparisons not as an insult, but as an attempt to tell you how many different people there are. Support the topic and ask how exactly my mother prepared it, why did she like this, etc. If you mean household things, for example, the way of cooking a dish, then it is not worth it sometimes to echo the mother's recipe. By doing this, you will be able to demonstrate your respect for the mother of the child, reassure him, convince you that you are not a competitor or an enemy. When the more important things related to your views on the world are affected, then it is better to accept calmly that not all are subject to such views as the mother of the child. Explain that people are different and your views are a bit different. Argument your opinion on the issue of principle. You always have the right to think like that. Although the child is also allowed to choose his point of view, and you will have to treat this with respect and understanding.