Cat and mouse players
Remember, and "Autumn Marathon" mediocre interpreter asks a talented and conscientious colleague to help her with the translation? And he is ruthlessly ruled by someone else's helpless scrawl - or rather, rewrites everything anew. He and his life do not have enough time, but he has already got into the wrong thing with his head and does not notice how the gloomy eyes of the mountain - the translator who follows him turn into two huge, glittering triumphant cat eyes. Mouse swallowed - the work is done. Strange hands.
Home wise man
He, as it is supposed to the wise man, instructs. For lack of a wider audience - home. It is difficult to think, because the truth is concrete and in each specific case it needs to be retrieved. The "home oracle" extracted it from the remnants of its lazy mind once and for all. For all occasions he has one comprehensive formula: "And I said that! I must listen!" This manipulation is thinner than described above: it provides the "wise man" with mental superiority without any effort on his part (and of course, without the slightest reason).
Someone else's wing
Who did not have to endure a colleague - an eternal child? Being untenable professionally, he with an amazing art got used to the role of timid, indecisive, not always understanding what they want from him, waiting for a friendly prompt (guardianship). Calling to the eternal craving of generous people - to take under the wing of the weak, unadapted - it is arranged under the wing of someone else, like a cuckoo in the jack of a robin: comfortable and thorough. No doubt - this "foundling" will survive and sit out (sit) all of its talented and promising colleagues.
Child in the family
"And so everything is on me, and even the peasant is lying around on the couch all day, fell under the contraction, and so far nothing is foreseen," - other women pronounce this winged phrase of the 90s pattern not simply with contrition, but with sympathy - with pity. Why? Resentment would be more natural. But he is not and will not be, because the hocus-pocus was successful: "the man on the couch" settled on him seriously and for a long time. Why bother, move, think about daily bread? The wife likes to drink, feed, patronize, sympathize. It is double-stranded - how cleverly it drives home a cart.
And here is another type of amateurs "to hide mice in a cylinder":
How, you have not heard? (Did not you see?)
The employee, habitually late for half an hour, runs into the office with a shocked look: "Well, how do you like yesterday?" People raise their heads, the angry chief forgets everything he intended to put out "this impudent man." Next is a yesterday's tele-sensation, with pereprochennye and over-salted details. Everyone joins in the discussion with ardor, and the late one slips quietly behind her desk. When the passions subsided, the troublemaker is so absorbed in her work that making her remark would be the greatest tactlessness ... The reception is rude, but it works without fail.
Or the situation, painfully familiar to all and everyone:
Not with your wallet!
We stand in front of the counter, meticulously examining table lamps (pans, bags, vacuum cleaners - not the essence), most of which we can not afford. Having liked plenty, please show the one that is simpler. "And maybe this one?" - and the saleswoman who sees us through, with a slight smile, she nods at the orange-lamp shade made in France. "Why not? Show me!" - we throw in response, swallowing a lump in the throat and pretending, which will have to give up for the sake of this overseas thing ... Everything is all right. We bought into a subtle, calculating rudeness - bought a thing far from the most necessary in the house.
Such is the general outline of the mechanism underlying any manipulation: the manipulator sees and instantly calculates our weaknesses. They are the "goods", "buying" and "selling" which the manipulator has settled in life.
Why are we so permeable to them, whereas they are for us a "thing-in-itself", a "black box"? The solution lies in the fact that manipulation, generally speaking, is in human nature. Why make an effort yourself, if someone else takes it upon themselves? Children, for example, are model manipulators. What kind of father did not pile over the equations instead of the young lazy who first asks for a formula, then "forgets" how to apply it, etc. etc. Bursting in the memory, anyone will remember how many times he drove over the nose of well-wishers, forcing them to lay down their bones where he was too lazy to move his little finger. But we grew up. One day it came to us that to rely on others is not only shameful, but also disastrous: a person degrades, refusing to bear the hardships of life on a par with everyone. Personality is discolored. Something from it is weathered, without which neither respect nor self-respect is possible. There is a border that can not be crossed. Manipulators overlooked it - and fell out of the circle of people with whom you can deal. What do those who do not wish to join the ranks of magicians and dodgers? Can not sell something that can not be sold: compassion, pity, sympathy, affection? - Know a few simple truths. And first of all to realize: we allow ourselves to manipulate ourselves. What, if not cheap curiosity, pushes us for the tenth time to fall for the bait of the Dodger? ("How, you have not seen?")
And is it not impatience, not the desire to get rid of the child as soon as possible, forcing us to rummage in formulas instead of it? Teach, interpret, explain, ask to repeat - long and boring, easier to do yourself ("Help me").
False shame, and nothing more, tells us to lay out a monthly salary for smart unnecessary ("Not with your wallet"). It's not altruism at all, but indifference (or, rather, cowardice) forces for years to mess around with a cunning person who occupies someone else's place ("Alien wing"). When you realize that you are caught solely by your weaknesses, it's easier to realize the moment of manipulation. , figuratively speaking, the most reliable sign that you are about to turn into a "mouse" is a feeling of embarrassment and inconvenience.You hate to do what the next black cylinder insists (albeit gently, veiledly): lend, ask for it , call the "right" (not you, but to him) h person, "Friendly to view" course-etc., etc.
It is always difficult to refuse: the player in cat and mouse builds his calculations in many ways. And you do not refuse. Do not say no. There is one magic phrase that neutralizes any harassment-both subtle and gross. Here it is: "I'm afraid you overestimate (I can exaggerate) my abilities (resources, opportunities)". The manipulator will surely rush to argue with ardor that this is not so, he is absolutely sure of your generosity and attentiveness, and foresight and generosity ... But the moment is missed - the cat's eyes have already flashed, the black cylinder of the magician has clearly appeared. Now you can go slowly to the so-called passive protection, do not react to harassment at all. Maybe you misunderstood or even misunderstood. Translate the conversation to another topic. "Recollect", that you will receive an urgent call, and the affairs are notorious and you must escape. The manipulator most likely will depart from you discouraged.
Generally speaking, from the point of view of psychiatry manipulators are "color blind": the multicolored human relations elude them, because they have once chosen two colors: gray and black, "needed" - "not needed". Manipulation is a serious moral injury. It is impossible to use others with impunity for own mental health. And that's why most manipulators are neurotic. "Hunting" for another requires constant stress. Stupid manipulators understand that it is impossible to calculate all critical situations. And then in the next nightmare, one of them unfolds before them in all its ugliness. The saddest thing is that manipulators, being professional players and even reaching certain heights in the "evil art of manipulation," lose one small thing, which for some reason they never take into account-their own life. Because its color - friendship, love, admiration, affection is always disinterested.
Lyubov Scherbatova
"Family Doctor", # 5, 2000