Two women and one man - the eternal Bermuda Triangle, in which not one marriage was drowned. And if the second woman is his mother? Alas, when we get married, we rarely think about the fact that with our husband we also find new relatives with whom we will have to get along, and sometimes bad relationships with my mother-in-law are the cause of quarrels with her husband, and then a divorce.
- Why about mother-in-law a lot of jokes, and about the mother-in-law not one? "Because it's not funny anymore." Of course, the best way is to live apart from the husband's parents, but even this does not always help from their interference in your personal life, and what to speak of when you have to enter a new family with established life and your rules as a daughter-in-law.
But not everything is so bad, if you are ready to be ready for the fact that you are not the only beloved woman in your husband's presence, the presence of your mother-in-law is not perceived as an annoying hindrance to your happiness and correctly put emphasis in dealing with it. People of the older generation are more conservative, so it is your prerogative to build relationships, to be flexible and to make reasonable compromises.
Of course, you do not have to love your mother-in-law and call it "mom," but think about it - she gave birth to and raised your beloved man, so at least you should feel the feeling of gratitude for it. This should be the starting point in your relationship. If your mother-in-law feels she gave you her son, she will be proud of her generosity and treat you with a warm feeling. If she thinks that you took him away from her, she will never be able to overcome in her soul a sense of resentment and dislike.
Never interfere with your husband in your conflicts and do not allow a situation in which he will have to make a choice between you and his mother-in-law. There is a high probability that he will not choose you - after all, he knows the mother longer and for him it looks safer. Men in general are mostly conservatives and usually prefer what is customary.
Do not try to prove that you are "worthy" of her son, you will not pass this exam "five" anyway, and you will spoil a lot of nerves. Surely she is better at preparing and ironing shirts more even if only because her son will always remain in her eyes as a small child, whom she needs to take care of. But he did not marry you because you know how to cook cutlets, do not you? The mother-in-law is not your rival and will never take your place, so you can safely acknowledge her superiority in some things. Do not forget to ask her advice on household issues, but it is important not to cross the line so as not to appear unskillful and a person who is not able to make a decision himself. And be sure to demonstrate what success you have achieved, following her wise prompts.
Separate spheres of influence. For example, some African peoples still have customs for which a mother-in-law with a daughter-in-law, and a mother-in-law with a son-in-law can meet only at large tribal festivals. In the Solomon Islands, mother-in-law and daughter-in-law living in the same house can not only perform some kind of work simultaneously, but at the same time be in the economic part of the house. The natives have found a wise decision, so why not follow it? This is especially important if you live together. Two women in the same kitchen - worse than not think of anything. It is better to arrange in advance that you will prepare certain dishes or for some days completely take over the work on the au pair. The worst thing you can think of is to play the role of Cinderella, performing small assignments of your mother-in-law. You will never be able to cut a carrot for its borsch correctly to within a millimeter.
Even if you manage to establish yourself as a mistress and win the trust of your mother-in-law, a new round of struggle is ahead - for the "correct" education of your children. Although she has more experience in this matter, the world and views on education are changing so rapidly that she, in a sense, is no less a novice than you. And if you can give the palm of the mother-in-law's leadership in matters of cooking, then you are, without a doubt, the main child, but she is only a grandmother. So from the very beginning it is necessary to clearly outline the limits of its influence and to discuss what part it will take in the fate of the grandson. Will she sit with him while you work, or take a couple of times a month for the weekend? Is she ready to observe the regime of the day and the food that you have worked out for your child? The more specifics, the less there will be problems in the future.
Well, if the case is completely hopeless, remember that she is also a woman and also was once a daughter-in-law. Maybe, though it will reconcile you. "In paradise empty two seats are empty: one for a good mother-in-law, and the second for a good daughter-in-law," says the Eastern proverb, which means that at least two people are to blame for the unfulfilled relationship. It depends on you whether you will have a family duet with your mother-in-law, or your relationship will remain a Bermuda triangle.