Kindness in the modern world has a bad reputation. It remains one of the Christian virtues, but we, nevertheless, treat it suspiciously. Sometimes it seems that kindness is a stupidity incompatible with life success, career, recognition, and good people are simpletons who can not take care of their interests. A successful life is often associated, if not with anger, then at least with rigidity, "walking on the head" and "pushing the elbows" of other people - but how else can something be achieved in the world of competition? In the price now is a sourness, ruthlessness, cynicism, absence of illusions. And yet, all of us, consciously or not, want the world to be kinder. We want to respond to other people's feelings sincerely and show kindness spontaneously. We want that we can rely not only on ourselves, we want to be more open, give without a backward thought and be grateful without embarrassment. Let's try to find a way to real kindness, coming from the heart.
Why is it so difficult?
First of all, because we imagine that all other evils are believed by a psychotherapist, an expert in non-violent communication of Thomas d'Ansembourg. But when their faces are cold and impenetrable, when they are not very welcoming, it is often only a defensive reaction or a manifestation of shyness. It's enough to see your reflection in the street window to make sure: we also wear a mask. Paradoxically, but parents, accustoming us to be kind and good to behave in childhood, impose on us the notion that it is indecent to address strangers, to talk too loudly, that one should not flirt and try to please. Bringing us up, thus, they at the same time seek to ensure that we do not disturb them too much, do not hesitate, do not interfere. Hence our indecisiveness. In addition, the feeling of justice instilled in childhood turns into the fact that you need to give as much as you get. We have to overcome this habit. Another difficulty is that when we take a step towards another, we take a risk. Our intentions can be misinterpreted, our help can be abandoned, our feelings can not be accepted and ridiculed. Finally, we can simply be used, and then we will be fools. It takes boldness and at the same time humility to withdraw from your ego and find the strength to trust yourself, the other and life, instead of constantly defending yourself.
Internal selection
Psychoanalysis has an explanation for why it is easier to be evil in some sense. Anger speaks of a sense of anxiety and frustration: we are afraid that others will see our vulnerability. Evil are dissatisfied people who get rid of the inner feeling of trouble, removing negative feelings on others. But constant anger is expensive: it drains our mental resources. Kindness, on the contrary, is a sign of inner strength and harmony: the good can afford the risk of "losing face", because it will not destroy it. Kindness is the ability to be with one's whole being alongside another, along with the other, to empathize with it, states existential psychology. For this to happen, we must first restore contact with ourselves, "be present in ourselves." We are so rarely kind, because true kindness is incompatible with a lack of self-esteem or with the fear of other people, and fear and low self-esteem are inherent in us very often. Defending ourselves, we use egocentrism, prudence, ostentatious weakness. So we justify our inability to defend the truth, warn about the danger, intervene, when others need help. Sincere kindness, and not just false affection and memorized courtesy, nourishes equally the one who expresses it, and the one who accepts it. But in order to come to this, we must accept the idea that we may not like the other, disappoint him, that we may have to go to the conflict, defend our position.
Biological Law
We know that not all people are equally kind. At the same time, experiments show that we feel empathy from birth: when a newborn hears the crying of another baby, then he begins to cry. Our health as a social animal depends on the quality of the relationships we enter into. Empathy is necessary for our survival as a biological species, so nature has given us this valuable ability. Why is it not always preserved? The decisive role is played by the influence of parents: at a time when the child imitates them, he becomes kinder, if the parent shows kindness. Emotional security in childhood, physical and mental well-being contribute to the development of kindness. In classes and families where there are no pets and outcasts, where adults treat everyone equally well, children are kinder: when our sense of justice is satisfied, it is easier for us to take care of each other.
Nature of our anger
We often think that we are surrounded by unpleasant people who dream of harming us. Meanwhile, if you look closely, it turns out that almost all our contacts with other people are at least neutral, and more often - quite pleasant. The impression of widespread negativity is connected with the fact that any painful collision deeply injures and is remembered for a long time: to erase from our memory one such trauma, at least ten thousand good gestures are needed, evolutionary biologist Stephen Jay Gould claimed. There are times and circumstances when we become evil. For example, in adolescence, there is sometimes a craving for cruelty - so there is a desire to assert itself, which the teenager can not express otherwise. In order for this negative period to pass quickly, it is necessary that the child as a whole feel secure, not suffering, not afraid of the future. If there is no future ahead (he is threatened by the lack of housing, work, money), then anger and cruelty can persist. After all, in essence, he has to fight for survival, which makes the anger quite legitimate. We have the right to be evil if hooligans attacked us, or in a situation where we achieve respect for ourselves, oppose harassment or emotional violence, or when we work honestly, and our fellow competitors "expose" us, fight us with dishonest methods. If the other behaves like an adversary who has entered into an open struggle with us, being soft and sympathetic is harmful: our kindness will be an indication that we do not know how to defend ourselves, we can not force ourselves to reckon with ourselves.
Moreover, psychologists know such a mechanism of social interaction as "altruistic punishment", when our sense of justice is combined with the desire to punish those who play not by the rules. Such anger is constructive - in the future the society benefits from it. But here it must be remembered that the line between the struggle for justice and malevolence is thin: if we are happy with the ruin of the oligarch, it is unclear whether we experience pleasure because we consider him a robber or because we envied him and now are happy with his misfortune. Be that as it may, kindness does not exclude firmness, it is based on self-esteem and inner independence and in ordinary life does not require us to sacrifice ourselves.
Kindness is contagious
In fact, each of us expects this: to be kind and sympathetic, accepting the kindness and responsiveness of others. The words "solidarity" and "brotherhood", compromised by the Soviet government, are gradually acquiring meaning. We see this when there are disasters like those that we experienced in the smoke of this summer. We see that charity and volunteer organizations are emerging and successfully operating. Communities of mutual aid are emerging, where they exchange, for example, children's things or useful information. Young people agree through the Internet about letting themselves stay overnight travelers or finding their own lodging for the night in a foreign country. Kindness is in each of us. To launch a "chain reaction", it is enough to make a small kind gesture: to stretch a bottle of water, to compliment, to pass in the line of an elderly person, to smile at the bus driver. Do not respond with reproach to reproach, shout to shout, aggression to aggression. Remember that we are all people. And already, therefore, we need an "ecology of relations". In human solidarity. In kindness.
All is well!
"All is well. Everyone is calm. So, I'm calm too! "Thus ends the book of Arkady Gaidar" Timur and his team ". No, we do not call all of us to become Timurians. But you will agree, there are many ways to make life more enjoyable - to others, and hence to yourself. Choose from the proposed ten or come up with your own.
- Write, finally, an old friend who you lost sight of.
- To take unnecessary things, toys, books to a charitable foundation.
- Leave more tips to the cute waitress.
- Call friends to visit and arrange a game of charades or live pictures (if there is time and effort, you can organize an amateur theatrical performance).
- To write in the "Book of Reviews" thanks to the seller in the store or an operator in the bank.
- Invite parents to go to the cinema together or to a concert. I Carefully take a closer look at those who work close by, and quietly put them in your pocket or desk note. For example: "I noticed that you have a worried look. How can I help you? "Or:" You just shine. What can I congratulate you on? "
- Give your child's teacher flowers or a small souvenir.
- When visiting relatives in the hospital, grab a pack of juice, a packet of cookies or an interesting book for other patients.
- Play at work in the "secret well-wisher". To do this, you must send a letter to everyone in advance with a question: "What would you like (you) pleased?" Then give each one a strange answer, and then on November 13, everyone will be able to present something nice to a colleague ... and they will receive a small gift. If you know well those with whom you work or study, you can choose surprise gifts for your taste and risk.