To play for such a person means to suddenly feel completely devalued. And this is very painful. Most of us lose with a light heart and laugh when again unlucky. But those who do not know how to lose are not only upset, but also do not forgive themselves a defeat. Another's victory becomes for him an excuse to reproach himself for failure. And he again begins to play in order to once again try to feel his superiority. For such people, life is a constant match. The game is just a special case. What methods are not permissible in the struggle for leadership and how can they be countered, and get out of the water?
Fear of negative evaluation
Defeat in the game can not be hidden. He always has at least one witness. For one who suffers from loss, defeat also means that others will see his insolvency. He is afraid: suddenly, his imperfection will cause others to not communicate with him, that he will not be good enough for them.
The aspiration to assert itself
So often feel those whom in the childhood parents punished for the slightest failures. Trying to lead, by all means, they are now trying to realize their need to become the best, perfect, all recognized. The game (in case of victory) helps them assert themselves. External success proves its own importance, and a loss means that it is lost again. Men react to defeat more sharply than women. Perhaps the fact is that boys are traditionally brought up in the pursuit of victory, while girls are taught to be flexible and yield.
The game seriously
Just a game for leadership? For those who do not know how to lose, this is something much more. The game is the reverse side of reality, a space in which you can build your life differently. The game has clear rules. In this way it attracts those who are anxious amid the chaos of life. For most of us, playing is a safe exercise. In the end, it can always be changed. But those who are acutely experiencing their defeat, do not realize this. And failure for them is tantamount to a threat to their lives. They unconsciously perceive the loss as the return of chaos, danger. Losing becomes the last straw and causes an overly emotional reaction. But the reason for this behavior is not a game in itself. It's just that the characteristics peculiar to our behavior are clearly manifested in it, because the time and space of the game are limited.
To the one who is near
Think in advance in which games to participate in full force, and when it is worth conceding, adapting to the manner of that in leadership, who can not lose. But keep in mind that this is about understanding, not about indulging ... Do not apologize - you are not to blame for the experiences of the loser; do not make fun of it - thus you risk devaluating his feelings. Parents should not constantly play with their children in giveaway. After all, we create a dangerous illusion in them that life will always obey their desires. It's worth explaining to them that losing is not so terrible.
What to do?
■ Restoring pleasure
Play different games. Identify those that are particularly interesting to you, and be lenient towards yourself, let me play them ... with pleasure. The task: to feel the joy of the game process, and not from its result. Choose partners in which you are confident and know that their attitude towards you does not depend on whether you win or lose.
■ Change rules
Agree with yourself that today you will definitely change your attitude to the loss (if it does happen). If you succeed, you will in any case become a winner, because, finally, you have managed to overcome yourself.
Become Adult
As we grow older, we increasingly feel ourselves to be the leadership and the driving force of our lives, and we derive great satisfaction from this. For someone who has become an adult, the game ceases to be a match or a battle, and again becomes just fun, entertainment ... If you can not reconcile with your defeats, and you suffer in this matter, then the game hides some kind of conflict with own life. In this case, it is worth turning to psychotherapy, because suffering is not a game.