Why can not we ask for forgiveness?

The word "forgive" is perhaps the most difficult thing to pronounce in our vocabulary. And the matter, apparently, is not phonetics, but how we feel the need to admit our guilt.


Oopsihotterapevtov there is an opinion that we are in principle difficult to ask for something. This is due to the powerlessness and inability to control people's reaction to our request, especially the request for forgiveness. Touching one's own inability to change something, has a strong impact on us: a person in the state to overcome difficulties, but in all his actions he applies a different kind of force. Impotence can be felt, and this feeling will be accompanied by sadness. Those who allow themselves to sink, feel and accept the fact that they can not influence the situation, opens access to the deeper feelings and experiences. Thus, we understand ourselves better, and we get an opportunity to create more trusting relationships with those who nasokruzhaet. That is why it is very important to learn how to say "forgive", but at the same time it is very important to understand why it is so difficult for us to say this.

Each person is able to reason independently, but how not to twist, our opinion is always influenced by the society in which we grew up. Collective society, innate, is characterized by group thinking and the desire to shift the responsibility of the adolescent. If, after some misconduct, a person experiences shame, then he is formed on the basis of expectation of a negative reaction from society. In other words, we feel discomfort, anticipating a threat from outside: we will be condemned, betrayed, ridiculed. In a different kind of society (individualistic society), everyone realizes personal responsibility and makes an unacceptable offense, experiences a sense of guilt. This reaction is born within the person himself and does not depend on the reactions of others. Apology is part of the culture of communication, which in our country now, alas, is practically nonexistent.

Committing an offense, a person tries to justify himself. Tries to ignore the emerging emotions: "bad" is unbearable, and "good" do not feel shame. Sometimes because of such beliefs, relations are broken. Can I save them? Yes, you can. If you realize what is to blame. Recognize your misconduct before another and apologize. All this is a great work, based on the ability to be in touch with your feelings.

Fears

We do not think about it, but in fact, in most cases, we are not asking for forgiveness because of the fear of appearing weak. In any relationship there is a non-kicking for power and influence. And to apologize means to lose one's authority. If I say "I'm sorry," then I made a mistake. And people are authoritative and never fail. For fear of losing their importance, too, fear is afraid: everything, now they will sit on my neck! In this case, our thinking works like this: committed a misdemeanor - then I'm a bad person. We are also triggered by the fear of appearing vulnerable. This is nothing compared to the fear of eruption. "I'll ask for forgiveness, but I'll be forgiven!" - that's how we think, and as a consequence of this, we prefer to avoid clarifying the relationship. In such a situation, a likely quarrel will be a perfectly acceptable outcome, compared to what a person can remain alone.

Let's see the naked

Inability to ask for forgiveness is formed under the influence of the succession principle. In other words, when we perform an action, for example, without forgiveness, there is a growing likelihood that this is how we will behave in the future. We have an opinion about ourselves as a person acting just like that. Our psyche supports such an image and finds explanations, which it supports. Thus, a vicious circle is obtained. The desire for succession, contrary to common sense, forces us to read the boring book to the end, to study not in that university, for years to work not at that work, and, finally, not to apologize. Such an established and unconscious submission is subsequently reinforced by logic, emotions, and time. It is an inertia that sometimes can not be won. It is especially difficult to do this when others encourage and support such behavior with their own example. We are guided by another instinct - imitation. That is, in a community where it is not accepted to ask for forgiveness, few people in their right mind will begin to demonstrate a different pattern of behavior. At least for one simple reason - not to stand out. It's rather difficult to resist this instinct, because it is one of the survival mechanisms. If to reflect, we imitate from the very birth - at first to mum, then to the surrounding world.

But, in fact, we are not only experiencing the influence of society on our own, but we are also able to influence it. So do not wait for an apology from someone, better to teach them yourself.