Where to begin
Take a sheet of paper and in two columns (leaving enough space between them) write 12 of your characteristics that answer the questions "Who am I?" and "What am I?" One characteristic is one word, that is, six nouns should appear in the first column, and in the second - six adjectives. Since this is self-presentation, it is worth mentioning those characteristics that seem particularly attractive to you, as well as those that, although not perfect, are diligently improved by you.
For example, the set can be: "addicting", "sissy", "purposeful" and so on. But if the imagination offers you more imaginative definitions, do not resist. The list can look like this: "Amazon", "flying", "waterfall" and so on. Next to each characteristic from both lists write its opposite. It's not about the rule of the antonyms of the "hot-cold" type that has been forced at school, but about how you see the antipode of this trait. Do not rush. Listen to yourself. For example, the opposite of "sissies" may be "business sausage", and maybe "martin". An antonym "waterfall" someone will have a "puddle", and someone - "ocean". And it is especially curious that it will resist the "Amazon". Maybe a "chicken"?
Happened? Excellent! On the remaining piece of clean space between the columns, number the pairs, depending on the significance of the characteristic for you personally. Number one should be the most important, from your point of view, the line number 12 - the least relevant at the moment. Now you can send a copy of the resulting self-presentation to a mysterious stranger - let him study. And she turned to herself.
What's next
You can take only five characteristics of the leaders for analysis, but you can go through the entire list and mark those whose implementation causes you the greatest disappointment. Write out the selected characteristics on their separate sheet with their opposites so that you can draw a line between the pairs. Answer thoughtfully, honestly and better in writing to the following questions:
Who said (said, he could say) that it is important - to be as prescribed by the chosen characteristic? Remember all you will remember: mom, boyfriend, psychoanalyst, Carrie Bradshaw, pope, glossy magazines, quiet voices in the head - anyone.
What personal experience, experiences, have confirmed the importance of this characteristic in your life? The option "mom and boyfriend approve of my cleanliness" does not fit. Rely on your feelings. It's important that these are situations about you and that you benefit and enjoy it.
Again look at this characteristic. Do you want to leave it as meaningful for yourself? If yes, then on the line drawn between the opposites, mark the point at which you feel yourself today and now, and pick her name. For example: on the line between the "waterfall" and "puddles" there may be a point that is not yet a waterfall, but not a puddle. Maybe her name is a stream? Or the river? Could it be a creek? Choose the options, relying on their own feelings, but do not let go of the inner critic.
From the list of personalities to whom your correspondence to this characteristic is so important, choose one. It is not necessary to engage in dialogue with the most frightening and strict character, choose the one to whom you just can turn. And write him a letter. It can be as short as a note, but it must include the following points:
- Gratitude to the character for his participation in your destiny ("thank you, neighbor, for attention to my life");
- Acceptance of the current state ("I'm now a stream, and I'm not against it");
- Assigning an active position ("as soon as I feel the strength and desire to change, I will do it, and this will be my desire and my choice").
So what?
Experiences that hide behind the capacious "like a fool!" Are tied to your inconsistency with certain standards, the list of which is automatically included in the head in meaningful situations. These standards tend to be perfectionist, but they are not critical to you, but by persistent proposal of authoritative figures from the environment (for someone it's Mom, and for someone - a famous blogger). So, in pursuit of ideal patterns, we lose ourselves, we lose the ability and the opportunity with love to treat ourselves, accept ourselves as we are. But with considerable cruelty, we place ourselves between two mutually exclusive (moreover, often shameful at the opposite end) lights, arranging a sort of Procrustean bed. Of course, comparing ourselves with the ideal, we will always be disappointed. But scolding yourself is a hopeless business, there are more pleasant ways to bring sensations into harmony. After completing the proposed exercise, you, for example, have already taken a few steps away from the neurosis and somewhat - towards finding your own identity. To strengthen success, return to the list, make it again from the remaining significant characteristics and those new ones that have received the name, look for your place between the tough opposites. I do not propose to give up ideals at all - that is why in a letter that you addressed to your critics, there is a promise of change, but only when the time comes for them. However, I insist that the option "to be, not to appear" reduces the risk of disappointment, gives freedom of expression and pleasure from it, even when it is not up to perfection to give.