"My son is 1 year and 8 months old." From an early age he not only does not give his toys to anyone, but he also takes toys from children. "What I did not try was persuading, taking away, but he raises such a cry ... You know, at dinner he takes from me even a plate of food, although there is a plate in front of him. Tell me how to be greedy. "
A young mother, apparently, takes seriously the education of her son. But in the letter - almost all pedagogical errors, which only happen ... Let's talk about them.
... It seems, and there is no question: greed is a devilish trait. It is not by chance that the very first child teaser in the yard: "Jade-beef!". Probably, from this first human law morality begins: share, do not grab, leave to another - think about something else. And the first thing that a child learns is: give to mother ... Give to the daddy ... Give to a brother ... Give to the boy ...
And the first embarrassment: does not give! And the first test of parental ambition: when the mother goes out with the boy to walk, and he took away the toy in front of everyone - oh, how ashamed! In general, in my opinion, we begin to fight with many children's shortcomings not even because they so upset us, but because they are ashamed of people. And this is good. Sometimes woes begin where there is no shame in front of people.
It would seem that nothing is wrong: the child will be older and will be weaned from greed. But who does not know - some, when they grow up, the last will be given, but in others in winter, snow will not be interrogated. Some people all their lives even suffer from their greed, although they are in a hurry to give what they are asked for, but torment does not let go, greed gnaws at the soul.
Of course, we can wean the child to take away other people's toys, but will we drive the vice inside? Will not we grow a greedy person who knows how to hide his greed? Or maybe this vice is only temporarily hidden, and then, at twenty years old, at thirty, when a person is less dependent on others, then he will show himself! And we will be surprised: from where ?!
We all want our children to have good feelings, not just the ability to hide or suppress bad feelings. So, the first mistake: my mother asks advice how to deal with greed. But we should put the question in another way: how to raise generosity? Behind these two questions are principally different approaches to upbringing.
"... The path to the child's heart does not lie through a clean, even footpath, on which the teacher's caring hand does just that, that eradicates weeds-vices, and through the fat field on which the sprouts of moral values develop ... The vices are eradicated themselves themselves, go unnoticed for the child, and their destruction is not accompanied by any painful phenomena, if they are replaced by a turbulent growth of values. "
In these remarkable words of V. Sukhomlinsky, in his thought that the vices are being eradicated "on their own", many, as a rule, refuse to believe. We have mastered the pedagogy of demand, punishment, persuasion, encouragement - the pedagogy of combating shortcomings; we sometimes so violently struggle with the shortcomings of the child that we do not see the merits. Or maybe you should not fight? Can, all the same to behave differently, to see and develop in the child all the best?
And then it happens this way: first with our inability, or negligence, or unkindness, we cultivate evil, and then in a noble impulse rush to fight this evil. First we direct education on a false path, and then we stop: fight!
Look, when the kid does not give the toys, mom takes them from him. Takes away by force. But if a strong mother deprives me of a weak toy, then why should not I, after imitating my mother, take the toy from one who is weaker than me? Can not two-year-old understand that the mother "resists evil" and therefore is right, but he, the child, does evil and therefore is not right. Alas, these ethical subtleties are not always understood by adults. The child receives one lesson: a strong one takes away! You can take away a strong one!
They taught good, but taught aggressiveness ... No, I do not want to go to extremes: my mother took it - well, okay, nothing terrible, maybe it did not happen. I took it and took it, I did not want to intimidate. I will only note that such an action proved ineffective.
But remember, mother - the author of the letter acted in another way: by persuasion. Usually, persuasion is opposed to punishment. In fact, they help as little as punishment. What is the point of persuading a child who, by age or by virtue of the moral underdevelopment of persuasions, simply does not understand?
Well, not by force, not by persuasion, but how? The "repertoire" of possible actions seems to my mother to be exhausted ... Meanwhile, there is at least one more way to achieve the desired result. Pedagogical science began to speak louder about the benefits of suggestion. By the way, we, without noticing it, use this method at every step. We continually inspire the child: you are a slob, you are a lazy person, you are wicked, you are greedy ... And the smaller the child, the easier it suits the suggestion.
But the whole point is what exactly is to inspire the child. Only one thing, always one thing: to inspire that he is good, brave, generous, worthy! Suggest, until it's too late, until we have at least some reason for such assurances!
The kid, like all people, acts in accordance with his concept of himself. If he is persuaded that he is greedy, then he can not be rid of this vice later. If you suggest that he is generous, he will become generous. It is only necessary to understand that suggestion is not at all persuasion, not only words. To persuade means to help the child with all possible means to create a better idea of himself. First, from the first days - suggestion, then, gradually - conviction, and always - practice ... Here, perhaps, is the best strategy of education.
We tried to get the boy to share toys, tried to take from him these toys, tried to shame him, tried to persuade him - it does not help. Let's try differently, more cheerfully:
"You want my plate, too?" Please take it, I'm not sorry! How much more to put? One? Two? That's what our good guy is, he'll probably be a hero-how much porridge he eats! No, he's not greedy, he just loves porridge!
Do not give toys to another?
- No, he is not greedy at all, he just keeps toys, does not break them, does not lose them. He's thrifty, you know? And then, it's only today that he does not want to give the toy, and yesterday he gave and tomorrow he will give it back, play it himself and give it back, because he is not greedy. We do not have greedy in the family: mother is not greedy, and father is not greedy, but our son is the most generous of all!
But now we must give the child the opportunity to actually show his generosity. One hundred cases of greed will be ignored and condemned, but one instance of generosity, even if accidental, will be turned into an event. For example, on the day of his birth we will give him candy - give it to the children in the kindergarten, you have a holiday today ... He will distribute, but how else! And if he runs into the courtyard with a cookie, give him a few more pieces for his comrades-the children in the yard adore everything they eat, it seems that they have not been fed for a century.
I know a house where children have never been given one candy, one apple, one nut - necessarily only two. Even a piece of bread, serving, was broken in half, so that there were two pieces so that the child does not feel the "last" feeling, but it would always seem to him that he has a lot and can be shared with someone. So that this feeling does not arise - it's a pity to give! But they did not force to share, and did not encourage - they only provided such an opportunity.
Suspecting the child for greed, we will think what is its cause. Maybe we give the child too much, maybe too little? Perhaps we ourselves are greedy towards him-in educational purposes, of course?
And finally, the simplest, which, perhaps, should be started. Apparently, the mother - the author of the letter - does not know that her child entered a critical period of development, in the so-called "terrible two years": a time of stubbornness, denial, self-will. It may very well be that the boy does not give the toys at all from greed, but only from the stubbornness that will soon pass. At this age, every normal child has enough, breaks, does not obey, does not recognize any "impossible." A monster, and only! What will happen to him when he grows up?
Yes, he will not always be like that! Well, man can not grow evenly and smoothly, like a rutabaga on a bed!
I knew the girl at the same age: a year and eight months. "Give mom a ball!" - The ball behind the back. "Give mum a candy!" - eyes to the side, candy quickly in the mouth, almost choked. Six months have passed - and now, when they give a piece of a peeled apple, it pulls Mom: bite off! And father - bite off! And pokes a cat in the face - bite off! And you will not explain to her that the cat does not need the apple, and you have to endure this hygienic nightmare: it catches the cat, and then in the mouth.
But what if the child had not changed? Well, then, as before, you would have to inspire him that he is generous, to inspire a year, five years, ten, fifteen, without getting tired, until this vice itself turns out to be something useful - thrift, for example. Or even greed for knowledge, for life. Well, we all greet such greed.