He changed. Dot. What to do - the head goes around. I can not forgive treason - how to live on? .. Well, how to do (revenge, part or forgive), it's up to you. In this article, several variants of the development of events are considered, and family psychologists commented on the stories of three ordinary women.
And a bedside table between the beds.
"I decided to file for divorce, when I realized that Volodya changed me a second time ," says Katya, 32. - Someone once told me: a person can always give a second chance, but never - a third. No matter how lofty this may sound, but when this happened for the first time, we had a very serious conversation. But everything happened again. It is better to live alone than with a dishonest person! "
"Divorce is one of the greatest stresses," says Anna Kashina, a family psychologist. - And you can decide on such a responsible step, only having weighed all the pros and cons. As can be seen from the story, Catherine reached the point where there could be no talk about the continuation of the relationship. Well, this is her right and her choice. The first thing I advise my clients is to let go of the insult. It is easier to survive both treason and divorce. For this, there is a very simple training - think about yourself. At it another. It is a fact. So what. You - something so beautiful, with your friends, work and interests - remained the same! Remember this and only then return to the situation, explore the motives of your husband, your feelings and prospects. Do not be afraid to think practical. Do it the way you feel comfortable, easier and even more profitable. Do not constantly think about what others will say. "
Counter attack.
"I had a difficult pregnancy, and I lay in the hospital for a long time. The husband regularly brought gifts, but always somewhere in a hurry. Then I did not attach any importance to this, but when I got home with the baby, I found a lot of changes in the apartment , - 35-year-old Larisa shares. - The dishes are rearranged, my cosmetic bag is clearly empty, and in the bathroom shampoo with chamomile for light hair. Before such facts, my husband confessed that in my absence, he led different girls. I was very angry and posted his photo on the website for gays. Then it was funny, but now my actions seem petty to me . "
"At the first moment, everyone wants to do something in revenge. And this is normal! - says Anna Kashina. "It's insulting that you feel hurt and start thinking about annoying your husband or your opponent, or starting off to the worse." But, as Larisa's story justly shows, this does not lead to anything good. To make an important decision, use the advice of the Eastern wise men and listen to your breathing. Within 5 minutes listen to your breathing - common sense will come back to you. Revenge is a natural defensive reaction, but the satisfaction of what was done is necessarily followed by a sense of guilt. Is it worth it to condemn yourself to this? "
From scratch.
"When Petya began to constantly linger, I suspected something was wrong and made a spying ," the 25-year-old Xenia shares. - The first thing I climbed into his phone and immediately discovered a strange SMS . A certain Volodya wrote to him: "I kiss you." Then I picked up the password for his mail and ... The truth was obvious. In order not to go mad, I decided to take a break and went to rest with my girlfriend. In two weeks I decided that I could forgive Petya for treason. For three years now we have been living a soul in the soul, and I do not remember anything about it . "
"If he likes - he will forgive! In this saying there really is some truth, - says Anna Kashina. - If you feel that you can and should do it, let it be so. The main thing - forget about treason and start everything from scratch! The so-called mechanism of forgiveness consists of several stages. First, there is a denial of the fact of treason ("This can not be"), then anger ("I hate him!"), After the oust ("I do not remember anything") and only then awareness ("Yes, it happened") and actually forgiveness. The most important thing is not to stop at any stage, but to go all the way through. Otherwise, if you can not forgive treason - how to live on? Resentment will not give you rest (with your husband, one or a new lover). Women who come to me with similar problems, I recommend two very easy exercises. The first thing you need to master is to say to yourself "stop." Once you begin to feel sorry for yourself - switch to something else. In the end, learning how to manage your emotions is very useful. Well, the second thing to do is to forgive a minute. Most likely, you will like the feeling of freedom so much that the moment will last forever. "
Typology of "traitors".
Hunter
His motto is simple: more women are good and different! A hunter is not enough for one woman, he craves diversity and does not keep fidelity, even if he loves his lawful spouse. It is useless to appeal to his conscience and try to cause remorse. Either accept it as it is, or run away.
Poor boy
"It happened like that - I did not know, I did not know ... I do not remember anything at all. Well sat, well, drank, I could not help it "- these are typical excuses for such a man. "Well, I love you, my dear!" He will tell you and again go "left." Continuing to live with such a person, do not forget that there will be a lot of drinking-booze in his life. Will he be able to "hold back" next time?
Bored husband
He is married for a long time and therefore tired of both the relationship and his wife. Treason will be more of a one-time nature, but exceptions are possible. In this case, it is better to get tired, put yourself in order, buy erotic lingerie and again conquer your partner. But it's also important not to overdo it. After all, your faithful may decide that you have found a replacement for him. And then he will definitely start all the hard.
Adult teenager
He has a family, a prestigious job, a big apartment and a car. But this is not enough. As a successful businessman, a mistress is appointed to him. Do you agree to such conditions? What can compensate your suffering? In any case, try to focus on your own life. Make it bright and saturated.
Advice of the expert.
Treason is one of the most striking indicators of the crisis in relations. Nevertheless, many women stand on the position that "all men change," and try in every possible way to suppress a sense of resentment, pain, disappointment. This attitude to a loved one - with understated requirements - indicates a lack of self-esteem. Forgive or not forgive treason? There can not be unambiguous recommendations. But there are several points to note:
1. It is better to start from selfish reasons: in which case will you do yourself less damage - if parted or if you keep the relationship?
2. Do not be guided by the following motives: "I still will not find someone better than him", "who needs me at 20, 25, 30+", "where else I will find such a wealthy."
3. Do not blame yourself for his betrayal.
4. Do not shift the blame of your loved one to another woman: they say, it is she who seduced, knocked the true, forced.
5. You do not need to save your family just for the sake of children. Children do not need a family in which the father and mother smugly stretch, do not talk and try to go to bed at different times.
6. Do not change in revenge, "so that he understands how I felt bad."
7. Worrying about betrayal, calm yourself: it's good that it happened now, not later. Long-term relationships with a bunch of children, apartments and cars are much more difficult to tear.
8. And do not forget to believe in love! You did not marry in accordance with the calculation?