How do we usually imagine an ideal relationship? The husband and wife know all the details of each other's lives, the family is full of transparency and openness. At first, really lovers greet each other all their joys and sorrows, dwelling in detail on a happy (or unhappy) childhood and a stormy (dull) youth. You listen to how the girl rejected it in the kindergarten - and wonder where the fools come from? He listens to how the boys offended you in the third grade, and he dreams of being there: he would have shown them to those snivels! Partners want to share with each other everything: life, home, bed - and memories. But even during the first passionate love, caution does not hurt - because many subsequent problems can be born then because of the unintentional breakdown from the language of confessions. The 24-year-old Anna laments: "When I met Anton, I was exhausted by previous relationships: a strong passion and endless breaks. Every time Denis and I met again, the passion flared up even more, but then we slid down to the same problems and quarrels as before. We were dominated by sex - and it took me a while to understand this. With Anton everything is much calmer: I do not experience such dizzying emotions in bed - nevertheless I feel more reliable. Unfortunately, somehow Anton and I started talking about our former ones, and I still can not forgive myself this stupidity! - told about the desire that lit up, as soon as Denis and I were alone. Anton was depressed and still can not come to his senses: we have not made love for 3 months, and, let's face it, we'll finally part. When we marry, we swear: only together, always together, talk about everything to everyone. And when a baby is born, there is even more reason to share our thoughts, expectations, hopes. This is completely justified. On common values and in words, which are spoken out loud. Gradually, life enters its own track, and the spouses begin to move away a little. This is a completely natural course of events, and do not be afraid that you do not always want to share some news or impressions with your husband. Marriage is not a complete fusion of two people, but a harmonious existence of personalities, equally interesting to themselves and the world. To remain such a person, one must be able to sometimes ... keep quiet.
Choose an interlocutor
Most often we hide thoughts and actions related to sex. And rightly so: it is these inadvertently told secrets that hurt a partner the most. Whether or not to give a bold, or even shocking, sexual fantasy, to recall the bedtime exploits of the former? "We must understand that the verbose revelations about the previous connection are more the manifestations of voyeurism and exhibitionism. This has nothing to do with loyalty and honesty in a relationship. Therefore, sometimes it is better to be silent than to speak. And refuse to answer too insistent questions, if the partner asks them. And certainly never to initiate such conversations. If it is vitally important for you to talk about it, it is better to contact a psychologist or a faithful friend. The same can be said about sexual fantasies: some of them (say, make love in the elevator) can be shared with a partner, others (for example, making love with a husband's best friend) must be hidden deeper. I understand the fact that not everything has to be told to my husband, it's expensive. I went to Egypt with a friend - the first time in 4 years since the birth of a child! There was a nice guide, and, of course, I was flattered by his increased attention. Yes, there was flirting, I flirted - but I did not allow anything superfluous. My fan was so passionate and serious, and I laughed, knowing full well that he had a new love every week. Returning home, I told my husband about courtships, and among the photos there were also photos with a guide. I wanted to increase women's self-esteem. The husband is not very jealous, and we used to always joke about this topic. And then he was changed: he became terribly angry, began to accuse me of treason! Then I was offended. For a while our relationship has become much more complicated. " To keep secret the adventure that passed without emotional consequences for you, it is wiser than hurting the partner's story. In addition, this little secret will give you tone and increase libido.
Weigh every word
But not only shameful secrets and strange fantasies should be hidden from the spouse. You also have to act with disappointment in your sex life. No, pretend that you are always infinitely good, do not, but also arrange a "debriefing" and talk in the forehead about such subtle matter is not worth it. Frankness is frankness, and delicacy and tactfulness have not been canceled. Try to avoid words that are strongly hurt and stay in your memory for a long time. Phrases like "you do not really know anything", "you never satisfied me!" - a fatal mistake. Try to build a conversation just like ... with your baby. Than reproach her husband of inability or embarrassment, encourage him, suggest it softly and amicably: "You know, I must admit, I adore when you caress me like this ...", "Can I try so - come on?" Tenderness and humor will do more good than pressure or anger. By the way, the same principle is useful in everyday life, instead of shouting to the husband that "he will not lift a finger to help you with the housework, promise something pleasant after he cleans up the apartment, for example, to cook your favorite dish. The key to successful communication is primarily in dialogue, but in a dialogue about what unites us, not about what separates.
Come up with
Of course, do not hide from the spouse something that greatly changes the life of your family: for example, that you were offered a job in another city and tomorrow you go there. But you can easily afford small secrets. For 27-year-old Larissa it's shopping. Larissa works in the bank, in the client department, where a strict dress code is provided and it is necessary to look "one hundred percent". Sometimes she likes to reconsider her wardrobe: "It gives confidence. New outfits are a new start, a new stage. But if I tell my husband that I have spent a lot of money on another suit, he will not understand. And I always divide the price by three before I tell her. All my purchases are "the liquidation of the store, everything was given for nothing." Of course, I can keep my spending secret because I have separate accounts with my husband and we do not report to each other. If I can not spend so much on myself, I'll have to come up with another "soothing". As the 30-year-old Svetlana did. She is a freelance designer, mother of two children, and she does not have much money for "little secrets". But this does not mean that there are no secrets! Her way to escape from reality is to go to the movies with her friends in the middle of the day. Her husband Svetlana does not say anything - officially at this time she works. "It sounds like a foolish thing, but I get more pleasure from such a secret hike - as if I and the girls ran away from school. It makes me feel better that there is such a tiny one, but only my life, not my family life. " Just explains her behavior and 32-year-old Irina, who regularly meets with friends, whom her husband has never seen. I prefer that my husband does not know these my friends. Not because they are endowed with secret vices or flaws. It's just that our meetings bring me back to the time before my marriage: I remember what it's like to be alone on my own.
Indulging in
By allowing yourself secrets, you, of course, should allow them and your husband. Not every male secret is a mine for family well-being. 40-year-old Sergei hides the first wedding photos - now he is married a second time. "I do not look at them every day, wiping away a tear, but I keep them and will keep it - this is a part of my life and youth. Nevertheless, I do not tell my wife that I have them. " Often in a couple of women - by nature more emotional and sociable, besides, she wants to get as close as possible to her beloved. The man is not used to letting anyone so close. We tell you how the hairpin was chosen, and the husband tells us that his sister is getting married, only at the time of the invitation. But - be careful: careless female gossip deprives us of a certain aura of mystery, unknowiness, and this is the source of sexual desire for men. "I'm very open, I want to tell you in detail: where was, who saw," explains Oksana, 28. - I absolutely do not mind that the husband approached my mobile or read the SMS that arrived. But I'll never take his phone, if he does not ask for it: the husband does not like. When I asked why - because these calls do not have any terrible secrets, - he said that his whole youth passed under strict parental control, he had to report for every conversation and deed. But sometimes, when he needs advice or sympathy, he opens the door to his "secret garden." And I'm happy that I'm the only one who gets there occasionally. "