He leaves you for his friends. At the weekend, when you dream of having parties together, he goes fishing with a friend. Another time he runs to his classmate to build a dacha. And you are left alone at home. Male friendship - what kind of attack and how to fight it? A sick question from the life of many women.
"Leave your friends for my sake ..."
So, why does a man need another man? Alas, a man with a woman is good, but to a certain extent. At some point he will need a circle of fellows to feel like a man. So it is arranged. But this does not mean that you should not critically approach your husband's friends and each time agree with the amount of time that he devotes to members of his gender! Let's analyze the situation on a concrete example. Here is a characteristic recognition (Julia E., Ekaterinburg). "At first I was just glad that Ivan, my husband, has so many friends. Always believed that male friendship is not dangerous (I do not mean same-sex love). It is much more dangerous when a man has a girlfriend. At the wedding, his friends wore me in my arms, I felt like a queen. However, six months later everything changed. The husband continued to meet with friends, go fishing with them, drink beer at the beer bar on weekends, as well as before the wedding. I did not understand this. After all, he is now a married man, he has a family, but behaves as if he were a bachelor! It turned out that his friends are more important to him than I am. I have to sit alone at home, and at this time he will drink beer with former classmates! Finally, he made me angry when he began to go to help one of my friends build a house. Every weekend - to him. And if it were about earnings, about money - I would still understand. And then in fact he worked for nothing. He says, "We are friends, we need help, he will help me also when I need to." Will help! I strongly doubt this. He's just weak-minded, my husband, that's his use. I do not even know what to do in such a situation, what should I do? ". The first thing you can advise Julia - do not rush. Most likely, not even a year after the wedding. Creating a family is a new way of life, a new rhythm. Not every man is able so quickly to abandon the way of life that he led, being a bachelor. As a rule, former friends leave the field of view of the man gradually: they marry, leave, move away ... Is it worth immediately after the wedding to demand from the man to break all the former ties and devote himself exclusively to you and the family? For some, the fulfillment of such requirements is not difficult. But if in the life of a man the male friendship before the meeting with you played a fundamental role, then it has already become, as it were, a part of his personality. Therefore, it is necessary to act cautiously and selectively. Ask yourself the question: what connects your chosen one with his friends? What depth of feeling? Why does he cling to men? What kind of friends are they? If it is a question of a profession, about a hobby - one must be especially cautious. Nikita P. - inveterate climber, many years went to the Pamirs, conquered all the peaks of the Caucasus. In the campaigns more than once had to help each other out. In addition, the mountains are fires, songs for the guitar ... Friendship with other climbers continues and upon returning home. Nikita's wife Olga "tolerates" the hobby of her husband, realizing that from such part of his life a man is unlikely to refuse, even if he very much loves a woman. From time to time, she is invited to parties where climbers meet with their wives. Olga became friends with one of these families. From such "male friendship" there is hardly a danger. Olga's husband is grateful for her "understanding", feels a little guilty every time she goes to the mountains, leaving her alone. But on his return he tries to give her as much attention as possible. Communication with friends, too, in this case is good for him. Do not forget: in order for your man to behave like a man with you, he needs to compare himself with other men! He must necessarily be reflected in the eyes of his own kind: he learns endurance, courage, determination, responsibility, develops male characteristics (you are to the benefit!). Remember, in what environment grow "mama's mother": right, in the female.
Even if you manage to "tie a man to a skirt" - the effect may be the opposite. It happened with Anna. She managed to achieve that her husband stopped practicing gliding. Since Sergei (so his name) was very fond of Anna, he, as they say, stepped on his own song on his throat and became a purely "family man". The result - from a silent, focused, self-assured man, he turned over the years into an irritable, weak, irresponsible hypochondriac. Flying and communicating with other gliders gave him a sense of his own power, which created the image of the "I-man." A man should not react to women's nerves, should as more strong forgive women's weaknesses ... All this Sergei had, and it was these features that attracted him to Anna. With the departure from gliding, the "male image" gradually collapsed, Sergei began to rush about, not finding himself. This affected his reactions, his relations with his wife. It's a pity, but today they no longer live together. Both are unhappy: Anna found another man, but also they are unhappy with him, and Sergei could not return to his male hobby ... True, the male environment for the male environment is different. Therefore, before you judge, consider what kind of company your husband has. As a rule, by the man himself, by the way he is dressed, how he keeps himself, in his manner of speaking - everything is immediately clear.
Well, if your husband is surrounded by men in the proper meaning of the word. If these are successful, realized representatives of noble, brave professions. Well, if the hobby is mountains, the sea, parachute jumping or equestrian sport. And if the bottle or drugs? If men gather, just to "catch tongues", gossip about wives? .. Such companies and such "friends" also exist. But are they men only? And what can they give to the "male image" of your husband? One thing is that the husband does not want to introduce you to his friends, should alert you.
Be careful - an old bachelor!
Julia does not say anything about her age and husband's age. If the husband is twenty years old, then it's okay that he has not figured out yet, what place friends should take in his life, no. He has not yet felt himself to be a complete family man (for this to happen, we also need efforts on the part of the woman). As a rule, much changes with the appearance of the child. The weight of the family in the mind of a man increases, and it is no longer so easy for him to "leave home," the desire arises from the father's instinct to "engage in one's own house," "own child." So far, Julia's husband behaves like a bachelor, he has not yet mastered his family status. However, if Ivan is about thirty years old (or even thirty), then there is every reason to sound an alarm. A middle-aged man, if he does not have a family, gets used to finding a foothold in communication with the same as himself. There is, as it were, a brotherhood of lonely (feeling alone) men. With their unwritten rituals, the regularity of meetings, with their typical conversations. Often, when married and men continue to get together, drink, go fishing, hunt, in order to leave behind that untouchable space that they had before marriage. It's like a separate room in a shared apartment: he went there, closed the door behind him, and - please do not disturb. In fact, there is nothing bad in this - until the new status is not aggressively opposed to the old freeman. An important detail: while the wife is perceived as a colonizer of hitherto independent territories. Her something, the invader, friends and discuss on fishing. This last moment is especially dangerous. For instead of learning to find out misunderstandings within the family, the man gets used to "take dirty linen out of the hut." Telling friends about his wife, he, as it were, avenges her for the humiliations he has suffered, heals his self-esteem. He builds an "image of himself," which serves him as a fulcrum, but not within the family, not in the eyes of his wife, but - outside! This betrayal only strengthens his hostile feelings toward his wife. The gap between the spouses is growing. We can say that this is the beginning of the end.
Leonid B. often quarreled with his wife, and often the cause of quarrels were problems of a sexual nature. At the same time he did not notice how he wounded his wife. Slamming the door, he went to his friends. And they could be in the same situation. And here for the beer comrades in misfortune were taken to discuss their wives. It is clear why they so cherished these "men's meetings": during such meetings they treated their vanity with a "masculine look at women." Do I need to explain that this look was cynical, sometimes just vulgar, with the use of obscene words? And the debate about the dangers of family life led to the fact that, in the end, the wife left Leonid.
Friends fill the vacuum.
If between you and your spouse there is a real spiritual and spiritual connection, her husband will never have a need to seek an "outlet" on the side. There are, of course, men who simply can not establish such a connection with a woman. But much more often we are talking about inconspicuous alienation, about the unwillingness to work spiritually, to penetrate into the world of problems, complexes, experiences of the person with whom you live. So gradually a vacuum is created, which some men (if they are not looking for a mistress!) Are trying to fill out by communicating with men.
Andrei L. dreamed of becoming a film director, but he never managed to shoot a single film. Today he leads a dramatic circle, writes plays that no one puts. He is already over thirty, and life seems hopeless to him. He became irritable, he always has a bad mood. Recently began to drink. Does his wife understand? She protests against his "degradation", as she calls it. But when Andrei tried to explain to her what was going on in his soul, it somehow made her angry. She thinks it's funny her husband's desire to become a filmmaker. Result: Andrew regularly meets with men from the circle of artistic bohemia, where they perfectly understand him, find the right words, encourage, and spiritually support. But recently Andrew could not stand it and began to complain to friends about his wife. And here I found full understanding among them! He does not leave the family, but does not seek understanding and sympathy, the gap between them widens. Prospects are gloomy: it is unlikely that such a family will last long. Are you able to help your husband become a film director? Of course not. However, you can understand his complex, his feelings, his inner conflict. And this is enough to create trust, and that the man began to seek support within the family, and not with friends on the side.
His wife's friends.
It's like the reverse side of the problem. Your girlfriend and your husband (or friend). The relationship of a man to his wife's friend often has a sexual coloring (carefully!). There are men who eventually begin to identify their wife with her girlfriend. Especially if she too often appears in the house and interferes in all matters. She says what clothes you're wearing. She advises which to choose wallpaper. And helps to wallpaper this wallpaper! She even gives recommendations on how to behave better in bed. Thus, she enters the intimate space of a man. Feelings towards the wife begin to be carried over to the girlfriend! A man does not really know where his girlfriend is anymore, and where his wife ... Another option for a man's relationship to his wife's friend is "girlfriend as a rival." It happens, if a man is infantile, ears in love with his wife and does not want to share it with anyone. He does not need other women. But the wife now and then "goes to her friend": chatting with her on the phone, giving her a lot of time (due to the attention of a man). It's not long before the quarrel: you can become jealous of a friend! Is it strange? By no means. Remember what feelings you yourself feel for the football or fishing company of her husband. Perhaps, very similar: a person with no one wants to share a friend's life. From this and suffers. Therefore he protests. The only advice is to agree to mutual compromises, to meet each other, trying to understand the partner's feelings.
YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE AFRAID IF:
• he meets with friends irregularly
• during the meetings they recall the past, merry episodes, joke
• you personally know his friends
• he tries to arrange a meeting so as not to sacrifice you, the interests of the family
• he is connected with friends by business relations
WHAT SHOULD YOU COLLECT:
• regular and fairly frequent meetings
• meetings are lengthy (many hours, or even all weekends)
• Wives, girlfriends are discussed during the meetings
• The tone of the meetings is irritated: if laughter, then angry, a lot of irony
• He avoids introducing you to his friends
• When you ask him to stay at home, he slams the door and leaves