Communication with peers plays a very important role in the child's social and intellectual development. With friends, the child learns mutual trust and respect, communication on an equal footing - everything that parents can not teach him.
The inability of children to make friends or be friends with someone for a long time begins to appear already in the kindergarten. The first alarming sign is usually that the kid does not tell his parents anything about the children of his group or does it reluctantly. Talk to the group educator, perhaps it will confirm your concerns.
Where to begin?
If your child is less than six years old and has few friends or not at all, then most likely, social skills are learned more slowly than by other children. Therefore, in order to learn to be friends, he can not do without your help. And you need to start here with the ability to approach other children and start a conversation. To do this, it is better to choose the most sociable and friendly child in the kindergarten group or in the yard. And come up with a smile. As recommended in the famous song, it's easiest to start the conversation with a smile. Then you can say: "Hello, my name is Petya. Can I play with you?"
From time to time a child, even with normal social skills, can become self-absorbed. Usually this happens after severe stress: when parents divorce, change of school or kindergarten, when moving to another city and so on. As much as possible, you should prepare the child for the upcoming changes, discussing what is happening with him, and also discovering what will change in his life after that, and how he needs to behave in this case.
Different temperaments
By the way, it does not matter how many friends a child will have. The number of friends that each kid needs depends on how timid he is, or conversely, sociable. In order to develop communication skills, shy children need to have two or three good friends, whereas extroverts feel great in a big company.
Each parent wants his child to be popular among peers. The main thing at the same time is to show objectivity and leave aside your own preferences. Difficulties begin when parents and children have different temperaments. Sociable mom and dad, who have a shy son or daughter, sometimes start to put too much pressure on the kids. But the introverted parent, on the contrary, cares about too many friends from the beloved child - it seems to him that it is better to have one, but a true friend.
More is not always better
It's good when the child is surrounded by a large number of friends. But as for a truly close friendship, the principle "the more, the better" ceases to function. Even a very sociable child may lack the strong mutual friendship that he really needs, in which he is understood and accepted as he is.
The number of friends varies as the child grows up, just as the concept of friendship itself changes. In preschool children and younger schoolchildren, friends, as a rule, become the children most accessible to them, usually neighbors in the yard. And since many satisfy this criterion, then the question "Who are your friends?" A young child usually gives out a whole list of names.
Later the circle of friends narrows - children begin to choose, proceeding from their own taste and mutual interests. And the guys stay faithful to their circle of friends for quite a long time. But, despite such a seemingly strong connection, in the teenage years the former friendship can disintegrate if one of the friends physically or emotionally develops faster than the other. For example, one friend starts dating girls, and the other is pretty infantile, and neither physically nor emotionally ready for it.
But, regardless of whether a child is 5 or 15 years old, the inability to be friends or lose a friend is a hard test for him. And the parents should help him to cope with the difficult situation.
How can parents help?
Create opportunities for friendship. Periodically ask the child if he would like to invite his friend to visit or to have a party for his friends or neighbor children. Invite one of the children to their home, the children find contact more easily, talking one-on-one. Find him an activity to his liking - a sports section or a circle of needlework, where a child could meet and communicate with their peers.
Teach your child the right communication. When you discuss with the child how to take into account the feelings of another person, teach him empathy and justice, you instill in him very important social skills that will later help him not only to find true friends, but also to be friends for a long time. Children can learn compassion as early as 2-3 years.
Discuss with the child of his friends and his social life, even if he is already a teenager. Often children, especially the elderly, are reluctant to talk about their problems with friends. But they, nevertheless, need your sympathy and help. If your child declares "No one loves me!", One should not console him with such passphrases as "We love your father." or "Nothing, you'll find new friends." - your child can decide that you do not take his problems seriously. Instead, try to tell him frankly about what happened to him, whether he quarreled with a best friend, or feels in class "white crow". Analyze with him possible causes of the conflict (maybe a friend just had a bad mood) and try to find ways to reconciliation.
The older the child becomes, the more his self-esteem begins to be affected by his success in the peer group and the opinion of other children about him. And if the child does not have friends, he is not phoned or invited for birthdays, he begins to feel like an outcast. It's hard not only for the smallest person - his parents also feel insult to other children, their parents and even to their child for being "not like everyone else." In addition, parents often feel guilty about what is happening. But their intervention in the situation that has arisen must be very cautious. You can morally support the child and help him with advice, but in the end, he must solve the problem himself.
It is important!
If the child has a conflict with a friend, advise him on possible ways out of the situation. Praise your child for good, good deeds and blame when it shows selfishness.
Natalia Vishneva, a psychologist at baby-land.org