Children are a reflection of parents and personality, which shape the character through their actions, successes and defeats. How often are we ready to support them on time? Consider the main tips and rules for raising children for parents.
Defending the interests of your child and at the same time influencing him with an educational, just and correct example is an important task in the upbringing of children. But it is not easy to do. At least because at certain moments, the effect of looking back and listening to public opinion is triggered. It, as supreme justice, requires an unconditional and unerring decision. But children, their pranks, leprosy, tricks are not crimes, intentional and special. And one of the many tools of knowing this world and finding your place in life, society, status. This movement forward is largely possible and is due to the internal willingness that the parents put in the child. He dared as much as he was sure and unshakable in his main foundations, the whales of his world-his parents. It is adults in the eyes of children who act as the basic principles from which a worldview is built and life experience accumulates. And now imagine that in one day, moment, during or after the incident, these foundations are collapsing. How:
• Any incident on the part of the child is imputed to him as rash decisions, leading to a string of prohibitions and strict control.
• Hanging the label of the instigator and the principal responsible for what he did, suggests that the child can be guilty of absolutely everything. As you grow older, this belief will be exacerbated to such an extent that an adult will become afraid of actions, even the most elementary or noble. He is obviously a loser.
• Deceitful duplicity and unbearable resentment, when the tet-a-tet with the child is accepted by his side, but it is necessary to appear to a third party, an outsider, as the behavior begins with the caveat: "And what will the people say?", "If you do not punish now, they will consider me for a careless parent, will be condemned. "
• Aggression, uncontrolled, causing behavior in adolescence as a measure of protest and unwillingness to tolerate such a style of upbringing. This is the case when the observation is true that too obedient children, comfortable for any adults with the light hand of parents, in 99% of cases has the difficulties of the transition period. Alas, they will seriously affect already in an independent adult life.
These scenarios are just the tip of the iceberg, which can collapse into huge ice floes and derail more than one life. After all, if trust and faith in support of the most relatives are lost, the rest is unimportant, not scary, insignificant. There is no that responsibility and that love which children test to the native, protecting their rest, health, a state of mind.
It is absolutely true that parents can not adequately assess the actions of their children: they love them unconditionally and often blindly. But it's not about judging, but about love and acceptance of your child. Readiness to live your life next to it, and not live a common adult life. We are like guardian angels who can prompt, save, support in moments of recourse for help. Well, if it works, then there is a contact of such a delicate understanding and friendship. In fact, what do children expect from us when they stumble? Censures, negative characteristics, public shame - not at all. They are already frightened, discouraged and, to some extent, confused. Children can not yet calculate the consequences and ways-detours from unpleasant situations. They make maximum efforts to implement the plan, and only growing up, learn to see their actions in the projection of influence on other people and their own reputation, opinion and evaluation of others. All this will be. In the meantime, you need to be patient and patient. Try to follow the rules of raising children:
• If you have become an eyewitness of an act that the child has touched the interests of another person, then do not rush to immediately find out the relationship. The victim, eyewitnesses - this is not the audience of the theater, who tuned in to the performance. Their position should not overlap your child's interests. This does not mean that you do not care, but your child is allowed everything. Simply on emotions and in an impulse to catch the right moment for education the conflict will not be solved.
• Accept the situation and do not pretend that nothing has happened. The child should understand that his behavior has directly caused discomfort to another person, but also indirectly - the closest. Henceforth, he will learn how his behavior can be displayed in different ways.
• Do not talk to the prankster in high-pitched tones and with the use of force yourself, nor do you let others do it. It is proved that at the moment of excitement and awareness of their wrongness, children can be in a state of shock. Loud sounds, pulling down, appeals will not be heard. It is enough your altered intonation, so that the child realizes the seriousness of the situation.
• A look from the outside to your child is very useful. But he does not have to accept the pure truth at all until you do it yourself. This is a signal that requires your shared with the child participation.
• How much and how serious, intractable, painful procedure there was was to find out the reasons for the deed, your task and duty not to let the child feel that he is alone, is not understood and doomed. Remember that childish misdeeds are inevitable, happen to everyone and pass. But the lost confidence in the parents can never be returned.
Do not be afraid to direct the child, so that he decides and is responsible for their actions. Often parents perceive their children much younger than they are. In fact, children grow and develop much faster than our ideas about them. That is why it is important to give time to solve their problems on their own. Your participation from this will not diminish, but how will the self-esteem of the growing up child increase. He will be sure that he will always be able to contact you for help. And will find not only understanding, a willingness to empathize, but also a peculiar view from the outside. After all, parents, as nobody knows their child well, and by their behavior lay down his correct perception of the world.
Step by step
Is the justified comparison for minor incidents and any misconduct of our children attributed to the protection factors? After all, this word implies control and anticipation of serious situations in relation to children: household security, transport, interpersonal, and sexual. But we a priori immediately seek to protect, regardless of age and location. When will these "defenses" begin:
From birth . Do not be surprised, literally from the first minutes of a child's life, many mothers oppose public opinion regarding the refusal of vaccinations, the nuances of home births, unwillingness without need, but strictly on schedule to visit a polyclinic, to give the child the opposite kind of sport (for example, a fragile girl in a heavy athletics).
With the first appearance in the sandbox and the accumulation of experience of communication. When even an accidental sprinkling of sand or a shovel hit on the crown in the fit of a dispute over a bucket may go into the requirement "better look after the child", "immediately give change" or "find another place for games".
With the beginning of the campaign and adaptation in the childcare center, when the assessments and characteristics of your child will be poured out from the cornucopia not only from educators, nannies, other parents. But perhaps, someone's acquaintances who heard about your child's behavior on the "word of mouth" radio.
With the long-awaited and touching first call in school, when the estimated competition and the conquest of personal authority begins.
And so on, throughout life from infancy to gray-haired age. Do not be afraid of this or too zealously approach all actions. Love, understanding and time will put everything in order.
Francoise Dolto (a psychoanalyst, a pediatrician who opened the world to child psychoanalysis and who first claimed the connection of childhood illnesses with psychosomatics) in her book "On the Child's Side" in detail and on examples from practice tells how to look without her "rose-colored glasses" to her children and be able to speak. It is speaking, analysis and frank discussion of a complex situation that makes it transparent, not so acute:
• It is necessary to discuss what is happening, instead of advising "Defend!" How to defend yourself against the one who attacks you, until you learn this, do not talk to them, do not look at others?
• The role of the adult is to teach the child to enter the society while he still lives in the family. It is necessary to help him in this, to induce him, to be a worthy example. To support the development of the child, you need to see what happens to it.
• The drama is that from the moment when a little poet, a child who dreams, who lives in his particular world, ceases to see him, the patterns imposed on him begin to go.
• The statement "You're almost an adult" - you need to use wisely. If a teenage child really is about to become an adult, then an adult who does not yet exist: he still has to come up with this adult, find him himself.
• Too many prohibitions, and the child feels like a stranger because of this. He would not cry if he were given a place in life if he were accepted into it.
If you follow at least half of the rules for raising children for parents, your child will grow more protected and independent. He will get rid of most of the complexes inherent in many insecure adolescents.