Embarrassment can be regarded as a voluntary deprivation of oneself of freedom. It is like a prison, when prisoners are deprived of the right to freedom of speech, freedom of communication, etc. Most people, one way or another, feel constrained. It is a specific natural protective device that allows you to assess the possible consequences of an action before it is committed. Usually shyness in children goes along with low self-esteem. Even apart from the fact that shy children are able to appreciate a number of some of their qualities or abilities, they are mostly self-critical. One of the reasons for low self-esteem is too high demands on oneself. They all the time are a little below the level that they themselves require.
Ideal relations of parents and children should develop individuality in children of preschool age, a firm confidence in their own importance. When love is donated not gratuitously, if it is offered in exchange for something, for example, to "correct" behavior, then the child will suppress his own self and self-esteem with every act of his. The message of such a relationship with the child is obvious: you are good just as much as your achievements are significant, and you will not jump above your head for anything. That's how feelings of love, approval and recognition are made by consumer goods that can be bargained for in exchange for "good behavior." And the most terrible thing is that with the most insignificant misconduct you can lose them. And an uncertain, shy person perceives this order of things for absolutely normal: he supposedly does not deserve better. While a person who is given unconditional love, even after several failures, does not lose faith in its primary value.
Sources of shyness in preschool children
Some psychologists believe that shyness is genetically conditioned. Already in the first weeks of life, children are emotionally different from each other: some are more crying, more prone to changes in mood. In addition to all this, children initially inherently differ in temperament and the need for contacts. Later, these features can sprout and turn into stable patterns of behavior. Children with an unusually sensitive nervous system all take it to heart. Accordingly, an extremely cautious approach to everything is developed and a constant willingness to retreat.
Acquisition of social experience makes it possible to completely form a number of genetically determined models of behavior. Children who love to smile, often smile in return. They are often worn in their arms than they do with sullen or quiet children. There are many initial reasons for the development of shyness, resulting from children's emotions, as well as how these emotions are perceived by a particular person. If parents do not know how to teach children to be sociable, they will most likely grow up shy.
The study showed that the country with the most widespread embarrassment and shyness among pre-school children is Japan, where 60% of respondents consider themselves shy. The sense of shame is used to correct behavior of individuals according to generally accepted norms of behavior. The Japanese grow up profoundly convinced that they have no right at least to discredit their family. In Japan, the entire burden of responsibility for failure lies solely on the shoulders of the child himself, but for successes thanks to parents, teachers, and coach. Such a system of values suppresses in man the makings of enterprise and initiative. In Israel, for example, children are brought up in absolutely the opposite way. Any achievements are attributed exclusively to the abilities of the child, at the same time as failures are blamed on incorrect education, inefficient education, injustice, etc. In other words, actions are encouraged and stimulated, and failures are not punished severely. Israeli children do not lose anything as a result of defeat, and as a result of success they receive a reward. So why not try it? Japanese children, on the contrary, will not gain anything, but they can lose a lot. Therefore, they always doubt and try not to take risks.
The main reasons for shyness
There are many reasons that cause shyness and shyness, as there are many specific circumstances that cause consternation as a reaction to a specific situation. Below is a list of categories of people and situations that can cause such a reaction.
People who cause shyness:
1. The unfamiliar
2. Authoritative persons (through their knowledge)
3. Representatives of the opposite sex
4. Authoritative persons (through their position)
5. Relatives and foreigners
6. Older people
7. Friends
8. Parents
9. Brothers and sisters (most rarely)
Most often, shyness in children of preschool age is caused by people who, by certain parameters, differ from them, have power, control the flow of necessary resources. Or they are people so close that they can afford to criticize them.
Circumstances that cause shyness:
- Being in the center of attention of a large group of people, for example, performing on a matinee
- Lower status than others
- Situations that require self-confidence
- New circumstances
- Situations requiring evaluation
- Weakness, need for help
- Stay face to face with the opposite sex
- Socialite talk
- Finding the focus of a small group of people
- The need for activities in a limited number of people
Shy children are always very worried when they are forced to perform some actions in unfamiliar circumstances, where there are critical remarks of other people who are unduly demanding and influential.
How to help a shy child?
Psychologists talk about three basic "parental" models of behavior. They are described as follows:
an example of a liberal model - a child receives as much freedom as he is able to accept;
an example of an authoritarian model - the freedom of the child is limited, the main advantage is obedience;
an example of authoritative model - there is a complete management of the child's activity on the part of parents, but only in a reasonable and constructive framework.
The results of the research show that the authoritative model is desirable and most effective. It promotes the upbringing of self-confidence in children of preschool age, which means that it is the most effective in curing childish shyness. Despite the general opinion, the use of very clear liberalism in upbringing does not develop self-confidence. Liberal parents often note inattention to the child, they do not consider it necessary to develop the basic lines of his behavior. They often "sin" inconsistency in education, because of this, children may have a feeling that parents are not interested in their feelings and problems, that they do not need parents at all.
The other extreme concerns an authoritarian model of upbringing. The parents who choose this model also give little attention to children when it means unconditional love and care. They are limited only by the satisfaction of all physical needs. They are primarily concerned with such aspects of upbringing as leadership and discipline, but they do not care at all about the emotional health of preschool children. Authoritarian parents are important to the impression that their children produce on surrounding people. For them, this is even more important than intra-family relations. They are absolutely sure that they form a "real man" from the child, not realizing that they come to the opposite.
The peculiarity of the authoritative model of upbringing is that, on the one hand, there is the presence of parental control, but on the other hand, the child develops as a person. Such parents have a clear idea of what the child is capable of, they often hold confidential conversations with him and listen to what the child is responsible for. These parents are not afraid to change the rules of the game, when the new circumstance forces them to act differently.
Before turning to the description of how to combat the shyness of pre-school children and educate an open, emotionally receptive and thus not shy child, I want to note one nuance. Perhaps you, as parents, will be forced to change yourself first. You may need to completely change the atmosphere in the house, so that it does not contribute to the development of shyness in the child.
Tactile Contact
Just as the connection between shyness and insecurity is obvious, one also can not fail to notice the dependence on the touch of a sense of security and tranquility. Even if you have not done this before, start spoiling your children now. Kiss them, show your love. Touch them with tenderness, stroke on the head, hug.
Intimate talk
It was proved that the children begin to speak correctly and expressively, if the mother spoke with them from the very beginning. Children, whose mothers simply silently perform their duties, speak poorly, they have a small vocabulary. If even your little one is too small to understand anything - talk to him. So you put in it a certain program of communication. When a child begins to speak on his own, his desire for communication will depend on how much you listen to him and answer it.
Let the child freely express their thoughts and feelings. Let him freely talk about what he wants, what he likes and what does not. Let me sometimes pour out my anger. This is extremely important, because basically shy people do not know how to behave properly during the bouts of anger. Do not allow the child to accumulate emotions within himself, let him learn to defend his rights. Teach him to express his feelings directly, for example: "I'm sad" or "I feel good," etc. Encourage the child to talk, but do not force to participate in them.
Unconditional love
You need to take seriously the words of psychologists who believe that if you are not happy with the child's behavior, you must always let him know that you are not outraged by the child, but by his actions. In other words, it is important for a child to know that he is loved, and this love does not depend on anything, it is constant and unchanging, that is, unconditional.
Discipline with love and understanding
Excessive discipline can affect the development of shyness in preschool children through the following reasons:
- Discipline is often based on the original wrongfulness of the child, on the assertion that he must necessarily change. This leads to a decrease in self-esteem.
- The frightening authority of parents can grow into a serious complex, in which the child will feel fear of any authoritative person. Embarrassment in this case is not a manifestation of veneration, it is a manifestation of fear of power.
- The main concept of discipline is control. Excessively controlled children grow up with fear that they will lose control or that they will have to control a difficult situation.
- The object of discipline is a person, not circumstances. And very often the reason for the behavior is in the atmosphere or behavior of other people. Before you punish a child, be sure to ask why he violated one of your rules.
Discipline should not be public. Respect the dignity of your child. Public reprimands and shame, which the child experiences at the same time, can increase his shyness. Try to notice not only the misdeeds of the child, but also to note good behavior.
Teach a child of tolerance
Only by our example can we teach children to be sympathetic. Let them look for the cause of failure first of all in circumstances, and not in surrounding people. Talk about why this or that person makes certain reckless acts, or what could have affected the change in his behavior.
Do not brand a child
As soon as you want to tell a child something unpleasant, remember the close connection between self-esteem of the child and shyness. This can help you overcome the impulse. It is important for the child to evaluate himself positively.
Confidence
Teach your child more to trust people. For this, it is important for parents that they have the closest possible relationship with the child. Let him know that you love him and appreciate him as he is. And that there are other people who can also appreciate and respect him if he gets close to them. Of course, there will always be those who deceive or betray, but, first, there are less such, and secondly, they will sooner or later be brought to the surface.
Pay attention to children
Try to reduce the time you spent separately from the child and always warn him if you can pay him attention. Even a minute of warm and respectful conversation with the child is much more important than the whole day, when you sat around, but were busy with their own affairs.