***
The mother-in-law comes to the son-in-law lying on the sofa with claims:
"Tell me, why are you lying down?" The fence has collapsed, the shed is collapsing, the roof leaks, and at least you can have henna! "Is it mine?" Do I need it? The next day my mother-in-law scolds my son-in-law again: "How long can you lie?" The vegetable garden is overgrown, the window does not close, the door has squinted! The brother-in-law, without getting up from the sofa, is melancholy: "Is it mine?" Do I need it? My mother-in-law could not stand it, she ran to the village soviet, copied everything to her son-in-law, resorted to him with documents: "There!" Everything has been copied to you, go and repair, correct! The son-in-law, having examined the papers, answered in the same melancholy tone: "Is it yours?" Do you want it? *** Her mother-in-law came to her daughter-in-law, ran her finger along the shelves, in the closet, showed dust and said: - Well, bride, do you remember any proverb? (At the same time he thinks that the daughter-in-law will remember something like "Cleanliness is the guarantee of health".) The daughter-in-law answers: - Of course, I remember. - What? "The pig always finds dirt!" *** The wife says to her husband: - My mother makes repairs in the room, can she move to us? We will shelter it for a month or two. "We spent two weeks with your mother while she was poisoning the cockroaches, we were watching your mom's month when her neighbors were flooded, now - again?" How much can you spare your mother? *** - Abram, can you be congratulated? Finally, has your mother-in-law died? - Why do you think so? - I walked past her house, near the entrance to her was a coffin lid. "Izya, I'm begging you." In the entrance of 9 floors, each floor has 4 apartments. Oh, this is such a lottery! *** A caring Jewish mother screams from the balcony: - Semochka, go home soon! "Mom, what's this?" I'm frozen? - No, Semochka, you want to eat!
*** - Grandfather, here you are old, and marry a young girl. You will die, but she will remain. "It's better to stay than not!" *** Grandfather came to the doctor and said: - Doctor, I'm coughing. - Grandpa, how old are you? - Eighty. - Have you coughed at 40? - No. - And at 60? - No. - So when do you have to cough? *** In the office, the therapist opens the door and people from the queue in the corridor hear a doctor talking to a rich patient. - Doctor, I have a runny nose, sore throat and ears, cough begins. - You need to go to bask on a warm sand in Egypt or the Mediterranean. Food should be strengthened: salmon, caviar, marbled pork. On tropical fruits lean: pineapple, mango, bananas. Then the grandmother from the queue bursts into the office with the words: "Oh, doctor, I have the same thing: ears, throat, and cough!" I also need to go to Egypt. The doctor looked at her from under his forehead: "And you, grandmother, wrap your ears in your handkerchief and do not hurry around the village!" *** Whiteguard officer, sitting lounging in an armchair, nailing a nail file, a captured Red Army man is being led to him and they ask: "What to do about it?" - Shoot. Have shot, result the following: - And with it what to do? - Shoot. And this was shot. Lead the third: - And this is where? - To shoot too. Suddenly the Red Army man would cry out: "Do not, I do not want to!" I do not want! The officer - to the soldiers: - This does not need to be shot. - And why suddenly? "Well, you see: he does not want to."
*** A man is staying in an ancient castle. At night he got up, walked along the corridor, and towards him a ghost. Hands waving, trying to scare, in a terrible voice says: - Uh-uh! I'm a terrible ghost, I live in this castle for 300 years! Man, happy: - Oh, how glorious! You probably know where the toilet is! *** The peasant went to the forest for mushrooms. Imperceptibly began to darken, rain drenches, and the peasant lost his way. It's scary, not a soul around. He plodded and went out into the clearing. He sees that there is a car, there is no one in it. I'll sit down, - thinks, - in the back seat, I wait for the rain. Suddenly the car started to go quietly. The man fell into the seat from fear, sitting, trembling. He leaves the forest, in the way of the pit. "Well, it's all a trumpet!" Thinks the man. And he began to say goodbye to his life. Suddenly, a hairy hand appears, grabs the steering wheel and turns the car out of the way. To the muzhik it became even more terrible. Drive past the cemetery. The car goes straight to the crypt. -Well, now for sure - a pipe! Thinks the man. An - no! Again a hairy hand appears through the side front window and taxiing the car past the crypt. A car is passing by an abandoned village. Darkness. Suddenly, straight on the car is a terrible lame grandmother. The man stopped breathing with fear. Again a hairy hand appears and steals past the grandmother. The muzhik sighed with relief. Then the car stops, an eccentric with hairy hands looks in the salon and asks the peasant: - What are you doing here? A man in a thin, frightened voice: "I ... I ... here I sit down and go." The hairy eccentric already jumped with indignation: - No, you look! At me the motor has decayed, I push the car for 5 kilometers, I will earn a hernia soon, and it has sat down, it's going! *** A fire in a brothel. Everything around is blazing. Everyone screams: "Water! Waters! "The hussar peeps out into the corridor and in a loud voice:" And in the 15th room - champagne! "