Before starting to discuss the topic of parting, I would like to clarify what psychological mechanisms are involved in this process. And even before talking about parting, you should understand what was before. And before that it was - rapprochement, merging, unification. Two separate people for a while and to some extent in the period of reciprocity and intimacy merge, it turns out a kind of unified system.
In psychology, there is the term "libido cathexis". This term can be translated approximately as "to put soul" in another (if it is a question of human relations, because libido can be invested in activity). So, in the process of parting, the most difficult thing is to remove that part of the soul that was invested in a loved one. On how this process proceeds, the further trace from parting depends - there will be this lacerated wound, a neat scarf or a chronic inflammatory process.
There is such an attractive image - to disperse in a good way, still say - civilized. Also there is the option "to remain friends" and the option "enemies forever". Each of these options can be a trap, if you do not understand what is really driving the person choosing the options.
To part civilized.
This refers to such parting, in which both sides behave with order and restraint. Nobody makes any claims to anyone, "we are adults, we all understand," etc. Not a single rude word, no tears, no accusations. A tempting picture ... What kind of pitfalls can there be?
Aggression.
The largest is the aggression that inevitably occurs in the process of parting. There is such a rule, confirmed by practice, - there is no separation (break) without aggression. Remember the well-known transitional age. The normal dynamics of the child's development implies a temporary war with the parents (to some extent). It is necessary to win back that part of the libido (internal energy) that was invested in the parents. It's almost impossible to switch from parents to peers and first love in an amicable way. Just as it is impossible to be born to a person without blood and pain. Absolute bliss within the womb must be interrupted by the pain and suffering of birth for the sake of life already outside the mother. Similarly, the bliss of childhood is interrupted by a teenage crisis for the sake of adulthood. This analogy is quite appropriate for a love couple. At the time of the merger, lovers become a kind of single entity, and it is hardly possible to break this unity without the "war" phase, which is accompanied by aggression.
Hope.
But there can also be a fully realized insidious moment, namely: "he (she) will appreciate, will appreciate - how I led (behaved) myself in this situation and then ...", that is, we can get a version of a double game - deceive themselves and deceive him, hoping for a recovery of relations with an external gap. Any deception requires additional efforts, additional control and suppression of natural processes. In this case, the psyche is subjected to extreme stress. Any, even secret hopes, not fulfilled, will cause additional trauma.
Conclusion.
We can say that the one who claims to be a "civilized" break, figuratively speaking, refuses to perform a surgical operation, risking a prolonged chronic process. The result of this chronicle may be the position "all men (women) are like that", resentment to the whole world, "there is no love and justice in this life" with all the consequences for the person. Often such a "correct" civilized parting is the reason that in a new relationship a person tries not to join anymore, since the trauma does not get rid of, and even for a long time does not help to get rid of the experience.
Recommendation.
Therefore, from the point of view of mental health, it is useful to give the possibility of its aggression to manifest itself. It is clear that smashing dishes and pulling out hair, fights and other extreme manifestations is another extreme. It's about manifesting aggression yet in a safe for yourself and others form. As options - to express everything without blushing to whom you leave, even if you quarrel slightly, cry, give yourself physical exertion.
Remember the story with a comma in the phrase "can not be pardoned"? Any break is accompanied by aggression. It's another matter whether it is realized or not. A person can so strongly want to be good, civilized, correct or advanced, which can suppress his aggression very much. Maybe he does not even know that it is boiling in it. In this case, there may be psychosomatic disorders in the future or sudden disruptions in relationships with other people.
From the point of view of mental health, ethical norms important for "peaceful" life are sometimes harmful to the psyche. That is, during a crisis, morality should change: what it is not proper to ask and what not to do, when everything is good, during the crisis of relations becomes not only acceptable but also useful (within the framework of the law, of course!).
A stormy break.
This is another extreme, the opposite of the "civilized" separation. "Lacerated wound," which is known to heal worse and leave an ugly scar. In our case . But too violent a manifestation of aggression, all sorts of extreme actions, including suicide episodes, fights and other military actions.
It is clear that finding a balance between the extreme suppression of aggression and the extreme nature of its manifestation is a complicated matter and there can be no prescriptions. Everyone finds for themselves this balance in accordance with their own characteristics. Probably the most important thing is not to rush into this or that extreme.
Stay friends.
This option is probably the most insidious. Friends can become again after the break and after separation. And immediately smoothly "creep" from the category of lovers into the category of friends is psychologically impossible. Becoming friends means creating an alliance on new terms. But in order to get a new type of relationship, you need to get out of the old. Psychologists believe that the loss is mourned for about a year (if it is mourned at the same time, which is rare, that is, the period of subconscious "mourning" in practice is much more).
Even if each of the disintegrated couple immediately after the break got a new partner and in a friendly manner discusses with him their previous relationship - this is likely with a game. The price of the game - to exert some influence on the former lover, most likely, somehow revenge ", in other words, to give expression to the suppressed aggression.
Real friendship (and not disguised and fuzzy love-hate) between former lovers is possible after at least a year after the break.
Under plausible pretexts, refrain from any contact with a former lover for at least a year.
Enemies forever.
This option is also fraught with traps. In this case, not aggression is suppressed, but ... love. Remember, we first said that as long as people form a pair - a single whole, do they invest, invest a part (often the best) of their soul in another? And all this good does not disappear anywhere, even if it's clear that it's time to part. A lot of effort goes away to keep the love locked up, good memories, to depreciate the formerly beloved - and this is also harmful to the psyche, as well as suppression of aggression against the former partner.
As in the first, in this fourth case, there is a rejection of a part of yourself (a loving or hating zone of the soul). Psychologists call this "partial suicide."
Admit to yourself that although you are ready to kill "this idiot", everything that you loved him for once, remained with him: strong muscles, prestigious work ... and the habit of kissing you in your ear ... Simply you are no longer together. That's all.