The relationship between an adult daughter and a single mother is often dramatic. How to find an outlet that suits both sides? It turns out that this is possible! You just need to put a little effort on both sides ...
As friends
It's already unfashionable to say: "I gave birth to a child for myself." But this is just such a case. When the relationship between an adult, an adult daughter and her mother turns into a vicious circle. Daughter replaces all mothers: interests, hobbies, communication with girlfriends, men. The woman does so that the girl with her mother was better than with her peers. She is engaged in the formation of her daughter, she travels with her to the resorts, to travel, arranges home holidays. The border necessary between the adult and the child is erased - they, like two friends, know everything about each other. In fact, the mother slows down her development, not allowing her to grow up.
One of the symptoms of such unhealthy relationships: a girl in adolescence can not fall in love. She has not experienced loneliness and misunderstanding, natural for this time, and she has no desire to seek someone who would replace parents. Relations with the opposite sex are superficial. The girl knows that no one will love her more than her mother. Therefore, she easily parted with men. But even if she marries, gives birth to a child, runs to her mother with all problems. The husband does not become the closest person for this girl. And one day her mother will say to her: "A man is needed only to give birth. You already have a child, so go home! "
By blackmail
This mother systematically nurtured a feeling of guilt in her daughter - this was the basis of all their relationship. She often told her how difficult it was to raise a child alone, how she had not slept in the nights, worried when the girl fell ill with pneumonia ... And most importantly, she sacrificed her personal life in order not to injure her girl.
The daughter grows with a sense of an endless debt to her mother. To leave her and start an independent life is a crime for an adult daughter. And if she makes an attempt to leave, she will be immediately reminded: "When you were five, I could arrange my personal life. But you cried, and I stayed at home. And now, of course, when I'm old and helpless, you leave me. "
In fact, this is an ordinary blackmail. You can not take responsibility for your failed personal life to a five-year-old child. But if the girl does not understand the real motives of her mother, she will remain with her with the feeling that she has no right to think about her personal life.
On a short leash
Outwardly this mother is the direct opposite of the two previous ones. She says to her daughter: "Go, have fun at the disco, meet a young man! And I ... I've already lived my life, I somehow ... "But if the girl does not catch the subtext and really starts meeting on a date, my mom will definitely have an attack. And the meeting with your beloved will have to be postponed. And if, God forbid, the daughter is going to marry, the mother can just paralyze. And the wedding will be upset. And the woman does not pretend. Simply, the body responds to her desire to keep her daughter by the side, like the body of a small child who does not want to go to the kindergarten. If such a mother lets her daughter marry, then only with the condition that they will live together or side by side. Otherwise, night calls: "I'm ill, I'm dying" - will make a young woman abandon the interests of her family and live only with her mother's problems. However, if the daughter manages to defend his right to an independent life, there are often cases that mothers miraculously recover. It happens that paralysis also passes ...
"Yes, where are you!"
A woman who brings up a child alone is often over-anxious. It all the time seems to her as if something could happen to the child. Such mothers go to work as nannies in the kindergarten where the daughter goes, then they arrange a teacher for school, where she studies, in the summer they work as a cook in the camp where the girl is resting. The reason for this total care is that mother considers the child's poor health - sometimes real, and sometimes fictitious. The daughter is exempt from physical education, from cleaning the class, from hiking. Mom constantly reminds the girl: "Do not forget that you have asthma (eczema, heart disease)", inspiring her helplessness and the need for complete dependence on oneself. Neither about romantic feelings, nor about the creation of one's family can even be out of the question: "Where are you with your asthma (eczema, heart disease)!" This mutual and real anxiety builds their relationship - an adult adult daughter with her mother become an indivisible whole . If the girl believes this, then they and Mom will remain to grow old together, curing and caressing each other.
Mother's advice
Adjust yourself to the fact that a daughter will sooner or later have to let go: she must build her family.
Think in advance about how you will live when your daughter leaves you: do you have personal interests, your own sphere of communication.
Do not expect especially that you will be engaged in grandchildren. First, young people are not in a hurry to acquire children, so grandchildren can not wait. Secondly, it is possible that your daughter herself will want to educate them, and you will only occasionally come to visit.
Keep in touch with your friends: girlfriends, colleagues. Do not close only at home and communicating with your daughter.
Do not impose an adult daughter of their advice, if she does not ask them. In a difficult situation, just let her know that you love her, no matter what decision she made.
Advice of the daughter
Do not stay at home, even if you are very well. Gradually move away from the mother - leaving first for the weekend at the dacha to a girlfriend, then on vacation with classmates. And if you need to get an education or a profession in another city, in another country, do not neglect such an opportunity.
Reduce the level of frankness in communicating with the mother. Previously, it was believed that the first menstruation - a sign that indicates that you are no longer a mother and child, but two women. Do not tell the details of your personal life, let alone the family one.
Maintain in her mother her desire to communicate with peers. Do not interfere, but rather, rejoice, if she has a friend or she will be married.
Do not give in to blackmail if your mother starts to suggest that you are now obliged to sacrifice your life for her, as she once did. You will fulfill the duty to the mother, only having brought up worthy children.