I have tried to talk with him many times, but all for nothing, I'm exaggerating. Very rarely you can hear the words "Well, sorry" from him, and they are said in such a tone that I understand - this is a favor. I've always been against this kind of behavior, but lately I feel that I've become nervous, angry and just about will answer my husband the same. Please, advise, how it is possible to improve the situation.
Irina Well, alas, it happens. Of course, the situation in the family is quite tense, and if nothing is done, it can go far. Therefore, it is important to solve it at a stage when there is still a desire and an opportunity to change something.
Shout, and you will be heard?
It's hard to believe, but that's the way emotional words are explained when clarifying relationships. It seems to a person that he can not shout to his partner in either direct or figurative sense, so he raises his voice. With this it is clear. But what about the rude words? Psychologists have an explanation.
Rough and even profanity is always emotionally colored and used to make it even more "accessible" to convey your thoughts. But seriously, the reasons for not always adequate behavior of men are that they usually have a more restrained behavior than to us, women. This we emotionally react to every detail, they are also saving up and dissatisfaction, internal tension is growing, and then suddenly bang - and "you, a bad person, ruined his life."
Another reason for which the husband is rude may be in the so-called "pattern behavior." Simply put, in conflict situations, the spouse behaves the way his parents behaved.
Take care of youself
Perhaps it's not very pleasant to read, but sometimes a woman, whose husband is always rude, should think about whether she has put herself in such an unenviable position. After all, as they say in the people, "I want to hit on my humped back," and psychologists express themselves more delicately: the victim always finds his tyrant. What can you do if it's true, at least in part? It is necessary to find a middle ground between "I better keep silent from sin away" and "I will defend my opinion to hoarseness." Try to look at the situation from the side, let him speak out, and when the "fountain of emotions" runs out, calmly describe his actions and tell about his feelings. For example, "You're screaming now. Why are you doing it? When you do this, I feel insulted and I want to defend myself. " Agree with her husband that, no matter how hot the dispute was, you will not go over to the person. After all, this is humiliation. And it is from this, first of all, a man must protect his half.
Work for two
If you understand that the reason for your problems is the husband's choleric temperament, try to convince him to seek help or advice (for some reason this word sounds safer for men) to a good family psychotherapist. However, this is not always easy to do. In any case, try to agree with the husband (when he will be in a good mood) about several rules at a time when he feels that he is about to explode. If you happen to respond to your husband with "reciprocity", they will also be useful to you.
To express your emotions you need to choose a special place in the apartment. The main thing is that this is not a kitchen or a bedroom - we subconsciously consider these places to be the most intimate, so they should not be associated with conflicts.
During the "speech" you can raise the voice, but to call and insult - no-no. Also, you can not interrupt each other. If the latter still have difficulties, try this psychological method. Choose a small object (pen, TV remote, perfume bottle) and agree that the person who has the object in his hands has the right to vote.
Physical impact in the family is unacceptable not only to people, but also to things. And you can not argue your opinion by hurling or breaking things.
If you feel that emotions are getting better, start communicating with notes. Thus, neither to kill nor raise your voice will not work. Yes, and probably will not be called, because statements will be more constructive and deliberate.
So it should not be!
It is quite another matter when such behavior of the husband is the style of your relationship. He is in firm confidence that his behavior is absolutely normal and not rudeness at all, but so, easy criticism? It's time for heavy artillery. Try during another speech unnoticed to take it off to a mobile camera or at least record it on a dictaphone. And when he is complacent, let him look through or hear "compromising evidence." If he does not think about his behavior after that, more drastic measures are needed. It's time to think about what good you get for yourself from your marriage. Stability, habit, material support is, of course, important, but your self-esteem and self-esteem can not be sacrificed for the sake of it. You should know that many psychologists and special organizations for the protection of women's rights treat behavior in which one person regularly verbally degrades another, like emotional violence. I'm sure if you really want to change the situation for the better, you will succeed! And the most faithful of your assistants in this will be self-esteem and the belief that you deserve only the best.
Look at you
You, in turn, also control yourself, because, we admit to be honest, "women" and "bring to white heat" women know how no one else. Do you allow yourself negative statements about his earnings? Are you questioning his ability, criticizing others? This behavior is perceived by any man as humiliation, psychologists say. Someone closes, becomes apathetic, and someone will defend themselves with the same weapons - humiliation, only in the form of rude and offensive words. So always remember what kind of husband you want to have next to you. Intelligent, strong, successful? Then treat him like that.