When we were children, it did not matter to us whether a very nice boy in the yard would become a lawyer or a diplomat and what assessment in physics he would get in a quarter. Having matured, we have acquired clear life positions.
The more important someone else's opinion and the less courage to admit their imperfection, the more principles we have. We use beliefs as a mask, hiding behind them various fears, insecurities, distrust of others.
We forget that life principles are just some kind of blanks for our actions. When used correctly, they help to achieve the desired, to withstand errors, and if excessive abuse can lead to a dead end even the most promising relationship.
By inheritance
Parents are the first to program us to fulfill unconditional attitudes, so that we know what the relationships between people consist of. They explain what is good, what is bad, trying to impose their own beliefs.
Everything that we are taught in childhood is perceived as the only correct one, because in this period, parents are absolute authority for us. We believe that by imposing a certain course of behavior on the child, adults often give him beliefs, which in turn are obtained from their parents. It turns out a vicious circle - the family scenario is repeated again and again.
But no matter how good, nor the hereditary principle of what relations between people consist of, you have every right to not follow it and act according to your desires. The main thing is to remember that here and now it is with this man that you are in a unique situation and the rules of communication you establish together.
The effect of the second half
When we are in love, we tend to idealize our partner, consciously or unconsciously, not to notice his shortcomings. In this happy time partner, it seems, how you want to see him. We ignore the fact that he is a separate person with his habits, needs and attitudes. As a result, when the initial brightness of emotions goes away, dissatisfaction, irritation arises.
We believe that at the beginning of a relationship the effect of the second half usually works, when it seems that a loved one is like us in everything and fully shares our beliefs. And when it turns out that this is not so, we still continue to insist on our own, because we think that it is easier to change a partner than yourself and your attitude towards a person.
Hostages of conscience
On the one hand, it is of course not possible to allow a partner absolutely everything in a relationship to the detriment of one's own convictions. On the other hand, blindly following the attitudes that do not really take into account the interests of the beloved, we find ourselves hostage to our own principles.
Taking such a position, we put the partner before the fact: I will not forgive you for such an offense. And we do this not because we are not able to forgive, but because it is difficult for us to give up principles (we are afraid to seem weak and dependent around others). The reaction of a close person to excessive adherence to principle can be the desire to do spite, because in fact he is forced to live as we want.
Conduct an audit
First of all, you need to understand why this or that principle is needed in a relationship, and what result you want to achieve by applying it. Try to answer the question: "Why do I need this?" Compile a list of several items on a sheet of paper, write down what this belief is useful to you and what can do much harm. It should not be a set of cliches (often strangers) that you usually use, but clear, understandable answers that can convince your opponent. If the arguments seem unconvincing, consider how important this principle is to you.
Break the rules
Mentally imagine that you have transgressed the laws established by you in a relationship, see that it is you who feel at the same time how comfortable you are in this situation. Try to analyze what consequences will result in the rejection of beliefs and whether they will only be negative.
Give freedom of choice
If you always insisted that a loved one meet with friends on weekdays, and spend the weekend with you, change the rules - send him to a meeting and spend the weekend alone. You will be surprised how much fun you can get from talking with your friends, reading books and simple idleness. And soon you will learn to be flexible in more complex issues.
Stand on his side
To understand that another person exists separately, it is possible, having tried at least some minutes to live in another's skin. After another fierce dispute with your beloved, play a solo performance, in which you will play the role of an opponent. Bring on his face arguments that would convince you, and try to understand what makes your man so insistently contradict you.