And often we begin to reproach ourselves. It seems that we are ready to perform the feat of compassion, but we are stuck in the limits of our possibilities. Trying to drown out the painful feeling, someone prefers to move away and unconsciously chooses a strategy of flight ("can not" get through, "does not have time" to arrive at the hospital at the office hours). Others "rush to the embrasure", give up all their physical and mental strength and often sacrifice their own family life, depriving themselves of the right to happiness. What to do if a person is sick, and especially if this person is a soul close to you.
Mechanism of guilt
To take the right place next to the patient, you need time - it rarely turns out right away. The first reaction is shock and numbness. The most difficult thing for relatives is to realize that a loved one is terminally ill. And you can not expect changes for the better. Almost instantly, an irrational sense of guilt arises: "I could not prevent it," "I did not insist on visiting a doctor," "I was inattentive." Close people feel guilty: both for past conflicts, and for being healthy, that they can not always be around, that they still have something to carry on in life ... "Moreover, it is difficult to understand how to behave now. As if nothing had happened, so as not to aggravate the feelings of a loved one? But then there is a risk that we will be considered egoists. Or is it worth changing the nature of your relationship with him, because he is now sick? We ask ourselves questions, think about what our relationship was before the illness. But more importantly, another's illness reminds us of our own fears. And above all - the unconscious fear of death. Another source of feelings of guilt is the conventional notion that we should be the ideal son or daughter, husband or wife. Should ideally take care of, ideally take care of your relative. This is especially acute for those who were blamed in childhood, who were constantly shown that they did not correspond to the norm. This is a paradox: the more responsible a person is, the better he takes care of the sick, the sharper he feels his imperfection. We want to support a sick friend or relative and at the same time protect ourselves from suffering. There is an inevitable confusion of contradictory feelings: we are torn between love and despair, the desire to protect and irritation towards a loved one who sometimes hurts us, fueling our feelings of guilt with our suffering. We run the risk of getting lost in this labyrinth, losing sight of our landmarks, our faith, our beliefs. When we constantly grind the same thoughts in our minds, they fill our consciousness and create chaos, which prevents thinking reasonably. We lose contact with ourselves, with our own emotions. This manifests itself literally on a physical level: insomnia, chest pains, skin problems can occur ... It is the imaginary guilt and the exaggerated responsibility that we are charging ourselves with. The reasons for such confusion of feelings are many: caring for the patient leaves neither time nor space for themselves, it requires attention, emotional response, warmth, it drains our resources. And sometimes it destroys the family. All its members can be in a state of codependence, when the long illness of their relative becomes the only meaning of the family system.
Identify boundaries
To get rid of feelings of guilt, above all, it must be recognized and expressed in words. But this alone is not enough. We must understand that we can not be responsible for the misfortune of another. When we discover that our sense of guilt and our involuntary power over another person are two sides of the same coin, we will take the first step towards our own spiritual well-being, we will free energy to help the sick person. " To stop blaming yourself, we must first of all give up the feeling of our omnipotence and precisely outline the limits of our responsibility. It's easy to say ... It's very difficult to make this step, but it's better not to hesitate with it. "I did not immediately realize that I was irritated not by my grandmother, but because she became a different person after the stroke," Svetlana, 36, recalled. - I knew her very different, cheerful and strong. I really needed her. It took me a long time to accept its extinction and stop reproaching myself. " The sense of guilt is capable of poisoning life, it does not allow us to really be close to our loved one. But what does it say? About whom, how not about ourselves? And there comes a time when it's time to sincerely answer yourself to the question: what is more important to me - relations with a close suffering person or my experiences? In other words: do I really love this person? The oppressive sense of guilt can cause alienation between the patient and his friend or relative. But in many cases the patient does not expect anything unusual - just wants to preserve the connection that has always existed. In this case, it is about empathy, about the willingness to listen to his expectations. Someone wants to talk about their illness, others prefer to talk about something else. In this case it is enough to be able to empathize, listen to his expectations. It is important not to try to solve once and for all what is good for the patient, what is bad, and how to establish your own boundaries. The best way to help yourself is to switch to solving small daily tasks. Make a step-by-step plan of action in the treatment, consulting with doctors, ask questions, look for your algorithm of help to the patient. Calculate your strength without sacrificing yourself. When life becomes more orderly and a clear daily routine appears, it becomes easier. " And do not give up the help of other people. Vadim is 47 years old. 20 of them he takes care of a paralyzed mother. "Now, after so many years, I understand that my father's life and mine would have developed differently - I do not know if it's better or worse, but quite differently if we were more able to take care of my mother and other family members. Being next to the diseased, it is difficult to understand where its borders end and begin their own. And most importantly - where the limits of our responsibility end. To draw them is to say to yourself: there is his life, and there is mine. But this does not mean that a close one will be rejected, it only helps to understand where the point of intersection of our lives is.
Take remuneration
To establish the right relationship with the person to whom we bring good, who we care about, it is necessary that this good becomes a blessing for ourselves. And this suggests that there should be some reward for the person who helps. This is what helps to maintain a relationship with the one whom he cared for. Otherwise, the help turns into a sacrifice. And sacrificial mood always generates aggressiveness and intolerance. Not many people know that a year before his death Alexander Pushkin was leaving for the village to take care of the dying mother Hope Hannibal. After her death, he wrote that in this "short time I enjoyed the tenderness of the mother, whom I did not know until then ...". Before her death, the mother asked the son for forgiveness for not being enough to love him. When we decide to accompany a loved one on this difficult path, it is important to understand that we are assuming long-term obligations. This is a huge work that lasts for months, and even years. In order not to succumb to fatigue, emotional burnout, helping a relative or friend, it is necessary to clearly understand what is valuable for ourselves, we get from communicating with the patient. This happened in the family of Alexei, where the grandmother, who was ill with transient cancer, united all relatives around her in one day, forcing them to forget about the previous disagreements. We realized that the most important thing for us is to make the last months of her life happy. And for her there was always only one criterion of happiness - that the whole family was together.