Why do spouses quarrel over trifles

We build our relationships with other people on the basis of certain ideas about their personality. Hence, we are all to some degree psychologists. It is especially important to be a good psychologist-practitioner in marital relations - in the family people for years, live side by side for decades, they have to solve many common problems. From the atmosphere here depend on everyone's health, success in work, and the way children will grow up. But why is it sometimes so difficult to find a common language with the closest person? Why do the spouses quarrel over trifles and do not want to give in to each other? This and not only will be discussed.

Psychologists emphasize that many conflicts and negative emotions that arise between husband and wife are due to the fact that they have not studied each other well. In addition, it is established that the psychological compatibility of the spouses depends, first of all, on the consistency of their perceptions of the rights and duties of everyone in the family alliance. In one study, 100 divorced and 100 married couples were interviewed on this topic. Clear differences were revealed. Couples who managed to preserve the marriage showed a greater percentage of similarities in the understanding of family roles compared to those that disintegrated. Hence the conclusion: that young people are able to build strong, harmonious families, care should be taken to ensure that they get the right ideas about the social roles of people of the opposite sex, the psychological differences between men and women.

It is known that women are more sensitive, more emotional, they create a general mood in the family, they are mostly drawn to the family in search of protection and justice. In relations with children, most mothers occupy a "resolving" position. Wives, as a rule, are the initiators of all changes in the family, whether it concerns new purchases, furniture rearrangements, trips to rest, etc. Alas, it is women who most often become the initiators of divorce ... A man from time immemorial was the earner. Men are more restrained in emotions and are more closed with domestic people in terms of their official and other problems. In relationships with children, they often take the "prohibitive" (restrictive) position opposite to their wife. Prone to a reaction of protest, deterrence in response to the innovative ideas of his wife. This is normal! It is the opposites that attract each other, which both spouses should know and accept. However, it is because of these opposing views that many spouses quarrel over trifles.

The husband says: "I am the head," and the wife: "I am the neck." Wherever I want, there's the head and I turn. " In this old proverb the deep meaning of the art of harmonious co-existence of a married couple is concluded, when a woman recognizes the superiority of a man, but at the same time skillfully, imperceptibly, without detracting from his role in the family, without degrading his dignity, directs to the correct and effective solution of family issues.

Economic equality of men and women led to a sharp convergence of their social roles in society. Women successfully master serious business, make a career in politics, in production, drive cars, master the professions that were previously considered purely masculine (in the army, police, etc.). Men in turn increasingly occupy a purely female (in our society) professional niche (trade, catering, services). There is nothing bad here, except for one thing: the traditional ideas about role differences between a man and a woman as spouses break. And this, according to observations of psychologists, today becomes one of the leading sources of quarrels and disagreements in families. Representations have changed, and roles remain the same: the woman is the wife, the mother, the keeper of the hearth, the "generator" of the emotional mood, the psychological atmosphere in the house. A man is a spouse, a breadwinner, a defender, a father ... One woman very subtly noticed the meaning of the word "married": "I want to be just my husband, to feel in front of his back."

Conflicts in families often arise also because the spouses do not understand, do not accept the reality that each of them in everyday life has to fulfill many other important social roles that are important to them. Each of them is the son / daughter of aging parents, brother / sister, nephew / niece of relatives, not all of which can be pleasant to you. And also purely professional, public roles, as well as the roles of a friend / neighbor, a cadet of a driving school or foreign language courses, an Internet user, a frequenter of fashionable parties, a garage cooperative, a dominoes in the yard, a fisherman-hunter, etc. etc. In a strong, harmonious family, each has its own sovereign territory, and its inviolability is accepted and respected. Everyone, apart from family responsibilities, has a relative share of freedom for his beloved rest, self-development. It's bad when one of the spouses or both are convinced that the "other half" should be a mirror image of the first - friends, hobbies, likes, dislikes are only general. This is exactly how the quarrels arise between the spouses over trifles.

An important aspect of family relations, which must be taken into account for the sake of achieving psychological compatibility, is the desire of each of the spouses to self-affirm. Each of us preserves the usual level of self-esteem and most often negatively reacts to deliberate attempts of others to reduce it. In fact, all human relationships are relations of constant mutual evaluations. Everyone can remember how pleasant is the public recognition of our labor successes and how painfully real or imaginary underestimation is perceived. But very often we forget that intra-family relations also require justice and tact.

The most sensitive to underestimation of their personality and the difficulty of homework are women. "I give so much strength to the fact that the house was cozy and beautiful, and the husband came - and did not notice." "I try to cook in a more delicious way, and the family and" thank you "will not say ..." Men also need to be in the eyes of their narrowed most powerful, smart, courageous. And what about everyday life? We do not notice good things, we skimp on praise. But any drawback, a mistake will not be missed! And what is interesting: one of the spouses can for quite a long time calmly take criticism in his address, but suddenly quite unexpectedly "explodes" from some kind of harmless remark. Basically, this happens when the ill-starred arrow hits the "painful point". Perhaps she touched that sphere of profound personal dissatisfaction with herself, into which the person is afraid to climb, subconsciously protecting himself from emotional experiences, remorse, the need to undertake something cardinal. In general, it is noted: many people react quite calmly to unfair criticism. Where the painful perceive the fair. And an attentive, sensitive spouse or spouse will quickly figure it out and try to avoid stepping on the "sick callus", and if the circumstances compel it, it will do it skillfully and not painfully, like an experienced doctor.

It is true that an intelligent wife knows her husband better than he knows himself. This can be attributed to a sensitive, intelligent, attentive husband. If the spouses do not strive to get to know each other deeply, living side by side for many years, mutual discontent is gradually accumulating, cooling feelings - it's not far from treason and divorce. Often wonder: "What did he find in this woman? His wife is much more beautiful." And he found something that he lost in the family.

The question arises: what, all the time, please each other and "caress the fur"? The question is very important. We need to evaluate each other fairly. Praise sincerely. Criticize the case, that is, without giving general assessments and characteristics to a person, and by evaluating his specific actions, actions, words that caused disagreement in you, discontent. Unfortunately, very often it is exactly the opposite. The wife did not have time to put her husband on the table, as her husband hastens to accuse her: "Lazy fellow, lump! .." And then he hears in reply: "Muzhlan, rude, glutton! .." Similar "generalizations," although sometimes close to the truth , are always perceived as an insult to the person. This is an unproductive criticism, it does not encourage a person to become better. Most likely, it will cause another quarrel over trifles - aggressive reaction of the offensive (and then do not pass a loud scandal) or defense tactics (tears, validol, long offended silence - the options are endless).

Spouses can not ignore the fact that they can have different temperaments. Everyone knows about this: there are choleric, sanguine, phlegmatic, melancholic. And although the "pure" temperaments are almost not found, usually a person has features of different types, but the properties of the basic temperament prevail. Temperament in many ways determines the features of human communication with surrounding people. For example, sanguine people easily come into contact, are sociable, easily make new acquaintances, and phlegmatic people, on the contrary, establish contacts very slowly, prefer the environment of old friends and acquaintances. It must be remembered that in addition to temperament, there are also traits of character. A good or evil, gentle or rude person can be at any temperament. Although people with different temperaments, these traits will manifest themselves in different ways.

Thinking about psychological compatibility in the family, do not forget about such a concept as love. People who are younger will certainly say: "Yes, this is the most important thing for family happiness!" The older one already knew that this wonderful feeling is not entirely reliable. Love has ups and downs, with the years it becomes not so ardent. Hot passion gives way to a warm, kind, careful, caring, mutual feeling that does not allow spouses to quarrel over trifles. Or ... These "or" a great variety. But still about love. Psychologists recognize that when spouses live in love, they have parallel psychological compatibility, which is not afraid of any faults of each other - this is the very phenomenon, clearly noticed by folk wisdom: "love is blind." Therefore, in the direction of young people entering into marriage, they usually say: "Tip you love!" But on the first place is the advice!