Why we do not know how to ask

Psychologists are sure: behind the illusion of independence is often the inability to take care of themselves. "Trying - not torture, refusal - it does not matter!" "3a demand does not get in the nose." "Ask, and it shall be given you." With such phrases the collective unconsciously convinces us: to ask - naturally, but we do not believe and repeat quite different statements. For example, after Solzhenitsyn: "Do not believe, do not be afraid, do not ask." A request is a conscious desire clothed in words and addressed to the one who is able to realize it. It turns out that those who do not know how to ask, do not care about their desires, limit opportunities and are held captive by pride. And those who are easy to ask do not put self-esteem and self-esteem in dependence on the reactions of other people and are doing everything possible to take care of meeting their needs. The meaning of the concept of "asking" can be uncovered how to apply. The one who asks, is forced to open up, disclose his aspirations and aspirations, show himself. A request is always a contact, a meeting, a need to enter into a relationship. She reveals our weak and sore spots, "favorite" corns and wounds. And who is willing to volunteer for such a feat?

Kindergarten
We learn to ask from the first seconds of life. On how the mother and other adults react to the baby's needs, his survival depends: physical and psychological. The British pediatrician and child psychoanalyst Donald Vinninoth introduced the notion of a "sufficiently good mother" - one that understands and satisfies the child's needs for food, warmth, dryness, bodily and emotional intimacy, and helps to live negative feelings associated with the impossibility of realizing all desires at once. Then the pleasure principle must yield to the principle of reality. Translated from the psychoanalytic language, this means that every kid by five or six years must learn to experience the objective impossibility of satisfying all of his needs. It is extremely important for a child to get both experiences: that his desires are satisfied, and that some needs can not be satisfied at all. Or they may, but not completely or not at once.

Chronic dislike for requests is directly related to two factors: how much parents met the desires of children and how they explained their position. Over and over again experiencing refusal of requests, children learn not to ask anything else. This helps them avoid negative emotions, such as anger, anger, shame and humiliation. The most common causes of parental failures: fear of pampering and low material wealth. In the first case, the child can hear and assimilate the message: "You are not worthy of your requests being fulfilled," in the second: "Your requests are too costly, do not burden others." And not daring to ask for anything, an adult is guided not by common sense, but by these irrational attitudes.

Power Owners
The fear that we will be refused a request is much deeper than the fear of not getting anything. Refusal is perceived as rejection, as a denial of the fact that we exist. In our fantasies, people tell us "no" not for objective reasons, but because they want to demonstrate their own superiority and power.

The supplicant becomes in a vulnerable position towards the giver. We can experience negative emotions and get nothing as a result. In addition, we risk our social status in relations with the addressee. We do not want to feel or show our weakness, it seems to us that the request immediately puts us in a dependent position. Unconsciously exaggerating this weakness - in our view it is bigger and more significant than it really is.

The ability to ask is the ability to put oneself in a relationship that can not be controlled. To withstand the tension associated with this situation, do not panic from uncertainty. To ask is to allow oneself to be dependent, to recognize the importance of the other, to give it its due. Constantly avoid situations in which you are dependent and even weak - it's like trying to breathe without breathing.

Social order
Our perception of requests is related to how society treats them. We do not want to be associated with beggars and beggars. Hence, with humiliation, poverty, disease. Some people think that any request is a step towards poverty, as if you should ask for it and you will soon find yourself in the porch.

"Never ask anything, especially those who are stronger than you! They will be offered themselves and they will give everything themselves!" - said Bulgakovsky Woland. For many, this expression has been learned without criticism and analysis by installation. It is much easier not to take risks when asking, but to sit and wait for the powerful of this world to satisfy our desires. This is the opinion of an infantile baby who believes in his own omnipotence and is used to his desires being met on demand. The adult person understands that those around him are devoid of telepathic abilities to realize the desire, he must at least be voiced, that is, turned into a request.

The reluctance to ask is also a gender aspect. Traditionally, it is believed that a man should apply for help less, so as not to destroy the image of a strong and confident. And for a woman on the contrary, it's a way to show defenselessness, vulnerability.

Behavior can also line up from the opposite. Not "in harmony", but "against" social stereotypes. For example, a girl can decide: "I will not ask him anything to prove: I'm not like everyone else." In this case, the person still remains dependent on the stereotype, only with the opposite sign.

Pay for everything
Inability to ask can be associated with the fear of retribution for the assistance provided. In the collective unconscious, the idea is laid that it is impossible to "take" alone, one day it will be necessary to "give". The concept is not bad, but frightening, because it is not known in advance how much "to give". The feeling of psychological comfort, control over the situation, disappears. When we ask for something, we seem to give the other the right to ask for help from us. We are afraid that the reciprocal service will be difficult and expensive, and we will not have the right to refuse.

The idea of ​​an imminent payback for help can be rooted in the history of the family. If there were recurring cases in the family when a request for treatment led to negative or fatal results, we can talk about the family scenario. In this case, we can rationally explain to ourselves and others our unwillingness to ask, but we will act under the influence of the irrational belief: "If you ask, you will certainly pay."

However whatever the reasons for our reluctance to ask, it is still worthwhile to realize them. First of all, in order to learn to take better care of yourself.