And the butterfly has already flown in your stomach. And then you make a terrible discovery: he has a savage gift to make you unhappy. From a reasonable, cheerful and balanced being, you turn into a neurasthenic, who doubts his own sanity. He can convince you that white is black, and twice two is not at all four, but as much as he needs at the moment. That in all situations you are to blame. Why does this happen? Because you ran into a passive aggressor. Aggressiveness as one of the types of conflict is often encountered.
His black and white world
At first glance, the combination of "passive-aggressive" seems strange - here, either one or the other. But in real life, this kind of good, it turns out, is enough. The term itself was introduced during the Second World War by the American military psychologist Colonel William Menninger. He noticed that there are soldiers who respond to the demands of the military regulations: they withdraw into themselves, ignore orders and desert. He called this reaction "passive aggression" and described it as "immature". But in a peaceful life there are also men who act in the same way: they categorically refuse to do what is expected of them. No, not openly protesting, but providing a well-disguised and devoid of all common sense resistance. Why? Yes, because all life for such a man is a struggle for power, but "submission" to others' expectations, requests or, God forbid, instructions for him to die like. His black and white world is populated only by winners and losers, and a compromise is impossible. And he feels himself weak in this battlefield - but he does his best to achieve the opposite attitude to himself. And the most interesting is that he does not even realize all this!
Where does the leg grow?
It's trite - but from childhood, which our type did not have very happy. Part of this is the fault of genes, but the relationship experience plays a decisive role. Perhaps the model of this behavior, he took over from his father in ready-made form. It is possible that he did not have a father as a model to follow. Or he was emotionally abandoned and all forgotten, or, on the contrary, he was followed, he was guarded and controlled. He found salvation in isolating himself from everyone and armed to the teeth for an eternal struggle - with those who are not good for him, and such, he is sure - almost all around. In fact, he still can not jump out of their children's panties - behaving like a hypochondriacal, eternally offended teenager, who expects the whole world, like his own mother, to understand and forgive him any whims and bad behavior.
His portrait
In public, he plays in the glorious small. His status is very different. A friend to whom all obligations are abhorrent. A spouse who only listens as if he has taken water in his mouth, and who has no problems at all. An intriguing colleague who regularly "forgets" to give you important information. Neither of these cases, it is not clear to you what he really thinks and wants. The dramatic impact on close relations. On the one hand, like any person, he yearns for true love and intimacy. On the other - most of all in the world afraid to be "defeated" - because the feelings will make him from someone "dependent." He is not one who acts as the initiator of a relationship. His tactics are not active, but passive flirtation, an intriguing pose, glances from afar, a joke thrown in passing - and expectation that the first step you will do is his goal. Then he will answer and make you feel that you have received a gift of fate. But the relationship with him will soon turn into a continuous and senseless struggle. However, he has another feature - consistency (not to be confused with devotion). Physically, he will be with you, and if you agree to pay for passive aggression, you will be together. This type of the first will not interrupt your connection, even if it becomes painful for him. After all, he is mortally afraid of loneliness - that is, a situation where he is left alone with his hidden fears and anger. Without you, he is only a man with personal problems. Together with you, he can play with his muscles. If he decides to break with you, then in one case - when a new novel is tied up in parallel.
He does not do anything!
In the labyrinth of his actions it is difficult to navigate. But the key is - in the projection of his own aggression on other people. And it happens in an interesting way. Aggression is more or less characteristic of everyone. Not only to the terrorist who captures the plane, but to Auntie in the pharmacy, and the kid in the sandbox. The responsibility of an adult is to be able to control this aggression in relations with people. And it will be necessary - to apologize if someone has suffered from you. But the passive-aggressive type releases itself from this duty in a very simple way: categorically denying that aggression is inherent in it. He does not really show it openly - you will get this hidden hostility by drop, gradually. And his passivity is generally an iron alibi: he does not do anything like that! He never starts conflicts, on the contrary - he avoids them in every possible way. His anger passes through you - as through a screen. How? It's just like all ingenious. Suppose he walks gloomy. I am ready to remain silent for hours, I have not said a word for the whole day, but his whole look says: "I am angry, and this is your fault!" You do not think so and want to understand. You ask a question. But you do not get an answer, but amazement (what, is there something wrong, what are you talking about?), Excuses or, even worse, complete disregard. You feel offended, and he will laugh at you. Word by word - and you're already boiling. So its latent aggressiveness spreads to you: look, it's you yourself that are dissatisfied with something, ask unpleasant questions, you quibble, start squabbling! Here it is, a brilliant passive-aggressive maneuver - to concentrate not on the action itself, but on your reaction, presenting it in the most unfavorable light. Once, again, again and again ... And when all your attempts to find out the causes of tension fail, the feeling of helplessness in you accumulates anger - and with it also a sense of guilt. You find yourself embroiled in a vicious circle of emotions that feed up his sense of power.
What is behind this
The key word is fears. But they are many and they are all different.
- Fear of dependence
He is just as great as the fear of loneliness. A man walks in a vicious circle: the fear of being alone makes him seek relationships - but finding them, he begins to panic fear them, because this is an attempt on his independence. So begins the alienation.
- Fear of intimacy
Intimacy requires sensuality, tenderness, generous and passionate gestures - everything that a passive-aggressive man can not give. For him, intimacy is a tremendous stress. But no less stress is caused by his emotional closeness: because of her no one in a couple can be happy and satisfied.
10 Ways How He Can Drive You To The Handle
- Turns the situation upside down
He has learned to offend you masterly - while making sure that you apologize. And in the role of a victim, it is convenient for him to speak for himself.
- Inhibits
He always comes at the last minute or is late. The problem is dealt with only when it is already pinned to the wall: for example, an electricity bill will be paid when a notice of disconnection arrives. A typical situation. You patiently ask him several times about something important. The first time he promises to do, the second time he is surprised that he has forgotten, the third - he transfers to "somehow later", the fourth one - he is indignant that you load it with all sorts of nonsense. In the end, you do everything yourself - and he is still at the same time: his behavior you humiliate him.
- Creates chaos
He prefers to collect a puzzle from a million pieces and always throws things halfway. He takes up work that can not be completed. He is building ambitious plans, but soon loses interest in them. His past is a gallery of unfinished projects.
- Everything "forgets" - what is important for you: your promises, your requests, birthdays and the anniversary of the wedding. It's pointless to offend - this is his privilege.
- All denies
Negation is his middle name. He denies that he is angry that you have a reason to feel offended. Any problems and guilt - all this he redirects you, to someone else or a concurrence of circumstances.
- Demonstrates sarcasm
This is his favorite style of communication and weapons in conflict resolution. If it touches you, then you simply "do not have a sense of humor."
- Refuses to speak clearly
His play - "yes and no, do not say, black, white do not wear": you never understand what he thinks and feels. He wants you to figure out what he wants. This desire is just as strong as unwillingness, so that you will know about it. When you are finally confused and confused, he is on a horse.
- Conflicting signals
He can say with an impenetrable face - "I love you", and immediately behave as if you are nobody to him. It seems that he participates in the relations, but quite formally. You live with his profile and do not see the interested person turned towards you.
- Behaves like he's alone
For him, the rarity of the word "we" is very rare, he is accustomed to inform you about decisions he has made alone, although they concern the two.
- Conducts an endless struggle
You can be surprised or annoyed, but the conversation, which pizza to order or which movie to watch in the evening, will not be about pizza and not about the film, but about power: to accept your opinion even on the most insignificant matter for him anyway, that to recognize your superiority.
- Fear of neglect
There is still a child alive in him who was once pushed out - and he no longer wants to experience this.
- Fear of emotions
He is afraid of panic not only his own, but also your emotions - in general, human feelings, in his understanding - this is weakness. You did not notice: he always has urgent business at a time when you need emotional support?
- Fear of expectations of other people - that he was unsurpassed in bed, earned a lot of money, made a brilliant career, etc. By and large, there is nothing to expect from him: he himself will tell you so - and he himself will respond to it by aggression.
- Fear of competition and loss
Despite the fact that outwardly he can produce the impression of a confident man, these fears accompany him at every step.
Love is like a battlefield
His main drama is that any relationship, even love, becomes for him an arena of struggle. And the main thing for him is to get out of any fight, he's a winner. But the world is arranged so that if we want to satisfy our emotional and physical needs, we have to create and maintain strong ties with those we love. And such a connection is always interdependence. A person with an adequate attitude to the world will not even come up with a drama - on the contrary, he will appreciate the bonuses: intimacy, spiritual intimacy, warmth, mutual assistance. But not a passive-aggressive type. Starting a relationship, he will immediately put pressure on you: just do not imagine that you have some power over me! Literally in every action he sees an attempt to "seize" him. Resists and does not do what you expect of him: does not offer a hand and heart, does not give flowers, does not say compliments, does not congratulate with a successful project or promotion, does not explain the reasons for his bad mood - and never for anything apologizes . Passive aggression is the grave-digger of relations. These are unanswered questions, unrealized desires, uncertainty, stress and a sense of loneliness. You want to feel the hard ground under your feet, and he gets you into a swamp. You want live, warm emotions, attention, interest, tenderness. But in return you get indignation and indignation - "what am I giving you a little ?! Have you read the women's novels? Do not you know how busy I am, exhausted all that you live in prosperity! ". As a result, even more alienation. And you fall into the loop of your own empathy - "maybe I really hurt him ...".
His conflict resolution strategy
When people argue, they expect to receive an adequate response from their counterpart - and in the final, the conflict is resolved. But an open, honest debate is not part of the behavioral repertoire of the passive aggressor. Here's another: leaving from the topic, obfuscating tracks, sarcasm, attacks. For all your attempts to solve the problem, he either does not react at all, or mocks you, leaving the essence of the matter. So he provokes your anger, beating utensils and tears. And here the goal is reached - he introduced you to the role of the evil harpy. He can behave in this conflict from the position of power or simply get bored, and, most likely, at some point in general will pretend that nothing has happened - yet it will be surprising that you are not in the mood. The sign that the world has been restored will be some meaningful (but not direct!) Gesture: the tile of your favorite bitter chocolate on the table or the disk you dreamed of (he remembers everything when it is profitable for him), a washed machine or a repaired crane (after three weeks of entreaties). And you melt - after all it's good!
Your serious risks
You can fall under the hypnosis of his passive aggression - and doubt will settle in you. And now your roles are already divided: he is restrained and balanced (positive hero), you are nervous and unrestrained (negative heroine). Do not believe it! More often than not, women, having tried all methods during a long relationship, begin to defend themselves, copying the passive aggressor's behavior pattern - silence, external indifference, sarcasm. Believe me, this method only deepens the problem. In addition, it is fraught with difficulties in future relationships, if you still decide to part. We must learn to separate our problems from it and not look for our guilt where it does not exist.
Change the rules of the game
With maniacal perseverance, he does not want to find out the relationship. Making him talk is impossible, silently accepting his behavior - too. What to do? In fact, this type - a client for a therapist, and the most effective for him (and for you) help is to perform a feat and drag him to the specialist. But you yourself can do a lot - especially if you love it.
Three risk groups
This type can catch anything on its network. However, there are three types of women who are more likely to be there.
- Manager
This woman always knows how best (and by and large so it is), and basically does not accept the answer "no". She believes in her ability to arrange a love life so well that he eventually surrenders: he will throw his armor at her feet, he will go down there and admit that without it - anywhere. And they will live happily ever after. A man seems tempting to take advantage of the comfort that a rational and intelligent manager will create - this will satisfy his passive essence. But at the same time will increase the feeling of dependence and undervaluation. And with them - and anger that has been hidden for a while. He also will not forgive if a woman is more successful than him (higher position, more earnings). In addition, instead of the required love and admiration, the manager will offer him (in disguised form) control and custody and behave like a domineering mother - and what kind of sex with a mother?
- Victim
A tidbit for a passive aggressor, since with the victim he enjoys his power to the fullest. Usually this is a sensitive, soft and self-confident woman, who, perhaps, is afraid to emotionally reveal himself no less than himself. It is likely that he is not the first passive aggressor in her life, so could her father, brother, first husband or friend. She keeps deep feelings for this type of men, hoping that once one of them will appreciate and change - although deep feelings and other people's expectations, nothing but panic, in such a man does not give birth. And the more emotional the victim, the more sadistic she confronts her, in order to demonstrate her "independence". The victim clings to the fact that he "has" her. He is torn between high from his power and deadly boredom. His aggression needs dangerous games.
- Savior
Do not feed her bread, let me sleep somebody. Passive-aggressive man, she immediately perceives as a helpless, incomprehensible creature that needs her shoulder. She justifies it ("in fact, it's not bad"), cares about how he looked good in the eyes of others ("he really did not want anything like that"), covers his oddities ("well, that's what he is!"). A man is given such care, because it fuels his passivity, until one day he notices and understands that all this is not sacrifice. Both the manager and the savior look at such a man from the standpoint of the owner and overseer.
- Move the border. It is important that you do this not in an emotional impulse, but calmly and firmly. Tell me clearly: the old rules of the game do not suit you anymore.
- To sound new rules: tell me what in the future he can do with you, and what not. Clearly formulate what you want from him. Be ready that he will test you, again and again violating the rules, so you can enter into the most difficult struggle - with him and with yourself. If he goes to the world and it softens you again - the game is lost. Do not give up.
- Oppose his behavior to his behavior, which it evokes, according to the formula: if you act this way, then I feel this - and I have such reasons for feeling this way. Speak calmly and tactfully - if you are afraid that in a conversation he will again be able to drive you out of himself, write a letter that he will read, being alone.
- Point out clearly his indecision and unfulfilled promises. Do not take the guilt he is trying to take on you.
- Stop taking responsibility - let him do it. Even if you know how to achieve results faster and more successfully, give him the freedom to make mistakes, draw conclusions and finally become an adult.
- Do you usually make the first step to reconciliation? Do not do it any more - a cute, pretty face, let him know that you are ready for reconciliation, and do not dare to apologize instead.
- No matter how angry you are, never criticize him as a person - only his actions. Behavior can change, character - no. Be convinced: in spite of the fact that his behavior infuriates you, you still love him, appreciate his good qualities and value your relationships.