If you follow the terminology of the popular psychologist Erich Bern, then marriage and its possible consequence - a divorce can be attributed to the category of games that people play. The theory of Berne is simple: the lack of emotional ties has fatal consequences for a person. Thus, infants who do not have contact with other people lag behind in development and may even die. Similarly, people who live in a marriage for a long time in the absence of emotional ties can divorce.
Divorce, if it happened, the procedure, I know by myself, is not a pleasant one. And the matter here is rarely confined to mutual insults, accusations of infidelity and dislike. The division of property, coupled with the redivision of friends, adds a lot of negative emotions to the already crowded cup of patience. Emotions, to which there was no way out in a calm family life, now fully master partners. And this can not but lead to consequences, and they will be with a plus sign or with a minus sign - time will tell. But it is even more important to understand the causes of these consequences.
Statistics voice
Statistics confirms: one of the highest rates of divorce rates falls on a period of one to three years after the official marriage. There are many reasons for this: from material difficulties to banal infidelity. But also there is an opinion that the very situation "in marriage" cools feelings: the goal is achieved, the bastion is taken, now you can relax. There is no need to deceive, seduce, fall in love and fall in love, convince and be convinced. So comes the post-marital emotional asphyxia. Approximately the same occurs in the period of marital relations in animals: shortly before mating the male goes into a subordinate position and in every possible way demonstrates to the female that he is not scary and obedient. The biological purpose of this widespread technique, called in the scientific world by the inversion of domination, is known - not to frighten the female, to avoid her aggression. The same can be observed in humans: men skillfully use all these pleas, kneeling, wearing on their hands, promises to get a star from the sky to reach their quite definite goal. And in the morning, yesterday, a woman in love, curses the false cheater, promising to get even with him. Obviously, the cooling of feelings in the first years after marriage is associated with the same inversion of dominance: premiere-romantic "Dear, I will bring you a star", is replaced by post-festive prosaic "Where is Vodka, Zin."
Marriage and divorce in something similar to the mathematical formula: there is always an unknown. As a rule, these unknowns are the expectations of partners. If you omit the components of love, passion and maturity, then in the last balance, how not to twist, there will be some interest that people want to achieve when they marry, whether they want to acquire offspring or material support. The same applies to divorce. If the calculation is correct, then the expectations will be justified - this is in theory. In life, it is rarely possible to calculate everything with mathematical precision.
Non-Statistical Indicators
But there is another statistic - statistics are not a fact, but expectations: most people associate resolution of many problems with divorce. Even more people have a divorce associated with successful changes in their personal lives, with the implementation of long-conceived, with life from a clean slate. In fact, often divorce is only an occasion to attract attention, prove its worth. The calculation in this game is simple: to part with him so that he (she) appreciates how he misses you, how he (she) was mistaken, how he did not appreciate your presence side by side. The calculation, in general, is correct, with the only condition that the partner accepts these rules of the game and also languidly awaits a sweet instant of reconciliation. Among my acquaintances there is a couple who for 8 years now lives by the simple principle of parting and reconciliation. They will continue to be together, that is, to part with some periodicity and reconvene, until one day one of them decides to break the rules of the game. In the meantime, everything is in a win.
There are other cases: often the ex-spouses, exhausted by litigation and mutual bickering, are allowed to go all the way: from promiscuous sexual relations to buying a new car, from squandering money through taverns and shops, to changing jobs. Some after such adventures, made on the wave of desperate struggle before the injustice of life, acquire new property and fresh feelings, others manage to get disappointed in both windy admirers and in the justice of life itself. And all this is not without a secret desire to identify its importance, to prove its superiority.
Here everyone has the right to consider himself a winner, but as for secret desires - a complete failure. Neither the former nor the former will ever come to visit with champagne to praise for success at their new place of work or approve the purchase of a brand new BMW. And not because they do not know (common friends, who could not be divided, unlike the apartment and children, with an enviable periodicity, the former spouses are dedicated to each other's affairs), just to praise, would mean reconciling, admit defeat, own wrong.
In this game, rare pairs restore the lost connection, but many reach unprecedented heights in their careers. All the guilt of emotion: from now on they are aimed at achieving the set results, and not on a verbal skirmish with the former. And all this with one thing only: the true goal, as well as the real result is not achieved, secret desires are not justified. There are no other losers here, except for broken hopes, tormented feelings, shabby nerves and impassive hatred.
The nature of divorce
One of the most outstanding researchers in the field of ethology, Doctor of Biological Sciences, Professor Viktor Rafaelevich Dolnik, investigating the nature of marital relations in animals and trying to reveal their natural structure for man came to unexpected conclusions: the evolution of a person following the path of natural selection was interrupted, and the man remained incomplete, with a multitude of contradictions between the instincts underlying sexual, marital, family and social behavior. From now on, not those who are better organized, but those who have better acquired and uses the knowledge acquired and handed down from generation to generation, how to build, how to extract the food, how to live, have survived. Therefore, so often we behave badly, even badly, when we are guided by internal motives, even when we deliberately strive to do everything in their way.
Many of the generation of the current thirty-year-olds have gained experience looking at their parents. And their experience, as a rule, spoke of one thing: it is necessary to keep the marriage at all costs (it was not about love). Under "by all means" understood a lot. Just forgiven a lot: treason, drunkenness, a small apartment, even lower wages, quarrels with mother-in-law / mother-in-law. And all this with constant self-justification: everything for the sake of children. Such family life often turned into a test. It seemed that children would grow up and appreciate self-sacrifice. But the children grew up, and they do not hurry to marry, marry or have children. They are not ready for such a family life, to such a measure of trials. They are not weak. They are honest with themselves and want to be honest with future offspring. With the mother's milk, they absorbed that divorce is bad. Is it because they are not in a hurry to shackle themselves by marriage, that they are afraid to turn out to be bad children in the eyes of their parents, that they do not want to be bad parents in the eyes of their children?
Save the marriage or decide to divorce? The choice is determined only by the measure of responsibility. And I would not say that the current generation of thirty-year-olds is irresponsible with regard to marriage. Rather, on the contrary: they understand their abilities too well and know exactly what, with whom, how, when and where they want. The same can be said about divorce.