The need to injure a child with adult circumstances only adds bitterness to one's own experiences, which is why they are even more painful. And we are trying to protect him (and himself) from suffering - we know: he will be shocked, hurt, angry, may feel guilty ... And yet we have to tell the son or daughter about what is happening in the family, to answer questions. To be sincere with a child is to respect him. To treat him as an equal companion is to educate him for the right attitude toward himself. Children with whom parents talk about the most important, growing up, do not hesitate to ask for help when it is needed, openly talk about their doubts and anxieties, instead of wandering in the darkness of their own conjectures, illusions and fears. How to explain to the child that the pope will have a new family is a difficult question.
When to start a conversation
Children feel the general tension in the house, notice the shades of the behavior of adults, but do not know how and what to ask parents about. Therefore, they unconsciously attract our attention to ourselves, become "sticky", capricious or, conversely, quiet down, hammered into a corner. Talk with the child is at the moment when he begins to be interested in what is happening. "Do not you love Daddy any more?", "Grandfather will die tomorrow?" - all parents know the child's ability to ask about the most important at the most inopportune moment: at the door of the school, in the subway, in the car, when we were late in the traffic jam. "It's better to say bluntly:" I will definitely answer you, but now is not the right time, and clarify when you are ready to talk with him. Later return to the conversation, but consider the state of the child. Do not distract him if he is passionate about anything: he plays, watches cartoons, draws. Do not postpone the conversation for a long time: children experience time differently than adults. They live by what is happening to them now, today, and if we delay, do not discuss with them what worries them, they get frightened, start to fantasize, feel guilty ("Mama does not say anything, that means she gets angry with me" ) and suffer ".
To whom to take the floor
This can only be decided by the parents. There is no better barometer than their intuition. But you need to feel the power: nothing so destabilizes the child, as a kind of crying mother. If you feel that in a conversation you can lose composure, start it alone, with another parent. Can help someone from relatives or friends who are familiar with the child - someone who will feel confident and will be able to support him.
What to say
It is not necessary to tell everything in detail at once. "So, to the question:" Why does not my grandmother come to us? "- you can honestly answer:" She is sick and lies in the hospital. Do not talk too much, go into details, discuss only what can affect the life of the child: who will now take him to the training, where he will live, with whom he will spend the holidays ... "
How to choose words
Speak at an understandable language for his age. For example, if you are talking about divorce, you do not need to talk about the dissimilarity of characters or the bitterness of betrayals. Say the main thing: parents can no longer be together, but they will still remain his dad and mom who love him. It is worth to be more attentive to the words: for example, if the phrase "to be on the street" arises in a conversation about financial problems, many children can take it literally. It is also important to say what we feel. To pretend that everything is all right with us, when we are confused or frightened, is to deceive the child. Avoid and the other extreme, do not bring down on the son or daughter all the bitterness of their emotions. A child can not and should not be the one who takes upon himself the problems of adults. Better to sincerely and openly say: "I'm sorry, it was not supposed to happen." And do not add: "Do not worry, do not think about it." Such words can not comfort a child. In order to cope with grief, he must recognize the loss, accept it. Often our gestures are more eloquent and weighty than words: take the child by the hand, hug by the shoulders, sit next to him - he will more easily cope with the alarm if he sees your face.
In his own words
If there are several children in the family, the news should not be reported to all at the same time. In addition to age, it is important to take into account the nature of their nature: each will need his own words of comfort and support. By focusing on one child, it is easier to comfort him or to soften an outburst of anger so that his experiences do not affect other children. For example, after learning that the parents are separated, the child can say: "Wow! We will have two houses. " This lightness is visible. It only helps him to cope with emotions. Not understanding this, another child can in words join such a reaction and begin to hide his real feelings. Speak with the children separately, but within one day, so as not to leave a load of heavy secrecy on the children's shoulders.
What to say is not worth it
When the news becomes known, the child will necessarily have questions. But this does not mean that you need to answer each of them. Children need adults to set boundaries. For example, they are not concerned with the details of the personal life of parents, and you can clearly tell about it. Defending their intimate space, we give children the right to have their own personal zone and demand that its borders be respected.