Love or fear?
The sources of excessive parental care are easy to recognize. For the most part, these are fears and attitudes that stand out for love.
Fear that something will happen to the child
He forces to create a safety pillow around the baby: "If you go there, you'll fall from the stairs and break your knees. Better sit at home. " As a result, the world becomes dangerous and full of obstacles. The child actually sits at home, out of fear of leaving the comfort zone. And it's very convenient for parents, because they do not have to worry - everything is under control. The same continues in adulthood. If the "obedient child" does not cause trouble, do not worry and worry - everything is fine.
Fear not to cope with surprises
Elementary fear of the new. Does the child show remarkable literary abilities? But in the family everything is entirely mathematics, what to do with the gift of the child - it is unclear. "Why do you need literature?" All your life you'll be a beggar. We have all the accountants in the family, and you follow the tradition. " Misunderstanding and non-acceptance of a new one by a parent can affect the appearance of bans and obsessions. If the installation: "Do not scare me with a new one, I feel uncomfortable at the same time" does not disappear, the child, growing up, will continue to do only what is understandable and accessible to his mother (father, grandmother).
The belief that a child should be perfect
In other words, the fear of not being an ideal mother, whose child does not crawl on the floor, does not drag dirty toys into her mouth, starts walking exactly at the age in which it is supposed to. After a while, the ideal mother's child should go to the right institution, find only the work that she wants for him, and create a family with the right person. Then she is an ideal mother, and life is right.
Feeling of uselessness to the spouse, the desire to find an ally in the child
An example of subconscious sending to the child: "At least do not let me down like your father (mother)!" So, "live this way and do something, and do not leave me ever." I must be you, otherwise it will be too difficult for me to realize that I do not need anyone. "
Parents are not interested in living their lives
The whole focus of attention is in the child. He owes it to them. For example, one must do what they did not do, conquer the peaks invented by them and prevent their mistakes. And they will help him in this: something to allow, and something to forbid. The importance of each step made by the child (true or not) in this case is incredibly high.
Breaking the cord
As a child, you hardly felt that between parent fears and love you can put an equal sign. The phrases "we love you, worry, want the best" were accepted then at face value. It's only after growing up that you feel guilt more and more often, and sometimes you have a feeling that you should ... Having realized that parental love is realized not in help and support, but in total control and various manipulations, it's time to radically change the situation. For this you can try several options, each of which has its pros and cons.
Showdown
The favorite advice of psychologists in solving family conflicts is to talk. The main thing is not to mention the parents' mistakes (there is still no case when such tactics worked). If you plan your plan in advance, it has every chance of success. It's best if you start it when your mom (or your dad) is resting on the couch - the relaxed position of the body will allow her (him) to be more sympathetic to your words. Talk with your parents in a kind, adult voice. And do not forget to build phrases. Start it always with pleasant words addressed to your mom or dad and only, then explain your position, for example: "I love you and will help you, as before, but I now have my own family and I will pay attention to it." There is a great risk to descend to a banal clarification of relations and a family scandal. If your parents provoke you to pity, before you do a noble cause, think about whether it does not go against your interests.
Retire
Separation, that is, a complete separation from parents and a reduction in the number of contacts with them is a mature enough, but at the same time desperate step. Although in some cases it is he who brings with time worthy fruits. And it will be useful for you and your parents to reconsider their relations at a distance from each other and draw certain conclusions. At first you will undoubtedly be tormented by guilt: parents may need help, attention, they do not have very good health. And in this there is a rational grain. In addition, it is not too pleasant to act in the role of a manipulator, if the lack of communication with you for your mother or father is akin to depriving them of their hands or feet.
Patience
This option is typical for those people who endlessly respect their parents. On the one hand, it's fine. But on the other, are you sure that this position is really equivalent to respect for elders? You have the opportunity to fully feel yourself a good person. You will have to accept that you are not fully master of your destiny. In addition, you will have to struggle with irritation against your own parents all the time.
Escape to childhood
Sometimes we give ourselves a reason for parents to patronize us till their gray hair. First, we gladly give them into their hands the responsibility for their lives, and, having grown up, we find a husband, a girlfriend or a colleague who can offer certain rules of the game. In this situation, you should be aware that this is an equivalent exchange. Parents get an opportunity to feel their own authority and importance for you, and you, in turn, gain emotional balance and calmness thanks to their care. Such a game will last as long as the rules suit both sides, and this is quite normal. But keep in mind: if you are constantly seen by your children in the state of the "child", they begin to perceive you as an equal, that is, the authority of an adult and a knowledgeable person you lose in their eyes.
Change the situation
Unquestionably, this is the most difficult path. It is hard for many to believe that relationships in which all family members have been included for many years may change. However, with certain efforts and planned actions, they are still amenable to correction.
Understand
Often, the parental hyperope will not come from evil, but from insecurity and excessive responsibility. And even if your relatives interfere with your adult life solely because of selfish motives, perhaps they also experienced the same situation from their own parents.
Feel yourself more mature than your parents
Try to treat your parents the way a doctor treats a patient: benevolently, firmly and patiently. Do not react in any way to their attempts to drag you into another scandal. Remember, your aggressive reaction to parents' attempts to intervene in your life is like childish fear: "She will decide for me now! It's necessary to stop this! "The reaction of a really adult person is calmer, because he is convinced:" I myself manage my life, no one can impose my point of view on me. " How to achieve such spartan calm? Learn to respond correctly to regular comments from mom or dad. Instead: "Mom, leave me alone! You still do not understand anything! Do not meddle with your advice! "Try to formulate your idea differently:" Thank you, now I know how you would have acted. Now I will think about it myself and decide how I should act. "
Increase the distance between parents and their own lives.
Parents should not get the impression that you are pushing them out of your life. Simply, you clearly outline the circle of personal space, in which you do not want to let them, at least, too often. First of all, do not give the chance to terrorize you with calls - call yourself, often enough, but not on schedule, but unexpectedly. Do not often meet at home (or with your parents) at home, but go out together. Think up for parents some occupation with which they can take their free time, if they have it in abundance, for example, visits to the pool, losing weight on a certain schedule or composing a family tree. Regularly inquire how the process is going. According to surveys, many people hide their biographical facts from parents, for example, smoking or excessive extravagance.
How to become an adult?
Ideally, the process of growing up gradually - year after year you are increasingly moving away from their parents. In this case, each of us, according to the American psychologist Hoffman, chooses his own way to independence.
Emotional
Reducing dependence on parental disapproval or praise.
Functional
Ability to provide for yourself, your family and organize your life.
Conflict
The ability not to feel guilty if you live in your own way.
Personal
Allows you to stop evaluating the world of people by their parent categories. Develop their own views on life, based on personal experience.