Ten rules of constructive quarrel


You will not believe, but a quarrel is the most important part of any relationship. It is impossible to share your life with someone and not have any conflicts, even the most frivolous ones. Well, like: "Who today takes out the garbage?" But just bluntly screaming at each other is not the best way to find out the relationship. Perhaps you will be surprised to learn that there are rules of dispute, a kind of theory of conflict resolution. Having learned to quarrel correctly, having managed in time and competently to present arguments, you can really strengthen your relations, instead of making them even worse. This article presents ten rules of constructive quarrel, which will be useful to study each without exception.

1. Do not insult!

What usually happens: In the fireside we begin to insult each other and say things that, frankly, we really did not want to say at all.

What to do instead : Focus on the question that you are actually trying to solve, and not "go to the person". Make sure that there are no insults in your words that can really leave long-term emotional scars.

Telling your partner that he is a "useless, lazy bore", you are setting yourself up. He completely forgot about the subject of the dispute and plunged headlong into insult. Only you will be guilty. In addition, when the heat dissipates, you will be uncomfortable, and it will be very difficult to overcome this feeling. The quarrel will remain useless. Relationships can be seriously shaken.

2. Do not "switch arrows".

What happens usually: We begin the dispute with a very specific problem, and then suddenly: "And in general, you gave me some junk last year, and your sister is just so quiet, and yesterday you pressed the dog with the door ..." And the essence problems are lost finally. The dispute turns into a thoughtless squabble.

What to do, instead: When you argue about something specific, make sure that you are doing just that. Be honest, state what really bothers you. Bring the problem to your partner unharmed, do not interrupt the stupid reproaches, completely irrelevant.

Only by converging on one specific question, you will rather come to an agreement than if you are distracted by many other things.

3. Do not lose the ultimate goal.

What usually happens: We try to prove something, not knowing what we want to achieve. It's like walking in a circle or not knowing when to stop.

What to do, instead: Before you begin the discussion, try to highlight its main goal. Think about the end result and, perhaps, you will give up the quarrel initially. The goal should be, otherwise this conflict becomes only an obstacle in the development of relations. He will not be able to give you anything of value, which can really give a "right" quarrel.

4. Be able to apologize.

What usually happens: We are looking for the guilty everywhere, but not in ourselves. We do not take responsibility for our arguments and immediately become enraged at the thought of our guilt.

What to do, instead: This is not an apology before the very beginning of the dispute. Because deliberately starting the argument with an apology, you thereby eliminate the solution to the problem. And the problem itself will remain.

However, if you come to an agreement, then it does not hurt to say "I'm sorry." This word will mean a lot to your partner and help make your relationship more trustworthy.

5. Not with children!

What usually happens: Sometimes we are so annoyed that we allow ourselves to shout at the husband, even though the children are also in the room.

What to do instead: Even if you think this question is really important - wait until your children go to bed or leave the house. A child, if he is small, always blames himself for quarreling between his mother and father. And to older children, conflicts do not bear anything good. Especially if it happens regularly.

The main advantage of this item is that while you wait for the children to leave the room, you will have time to calm down. The problems will find the system, you will have time to find the right arguments. All this can make your "fight" less explosive.

6. Away from drinking.

What usually happens: After a couple of glasses, we lose control of ourselves and the situation. Conflict easily grows into a dirty fight and even, sometimes, worse. We are not talking about any constructive quarrel in this case.

What to do, instead: If the conflict is brewing, when you are a bit tipsy, try to calm down as much as possible. Wait until the next day, when both of you will be sober. In 9 cases out of 10 quarrels on a drunken head to good do not lead.

The most "unstable" arguments for quarrel arise usually after a couple of glasses of wine or beer - and they are usually the worst of all that you ever had. Just as alcohol affects your sense of distance, verbal and auditory activity, it also affects your ability to assert anything.

7. Look at each other.

What usually happens: During the quarrel we are rushing around the house, often not even in the same room.

What to do, instead: Try to sit at the dinner table or just on the couch and discuss your problem. Maintaining eye contact, it will be less likely to say something superfluous. In addition, you will see the partner's reaction to your words.

Another advantage: sitting, people tend to raise their voice a little. Your arguments will be heard without screaming, you can benefit from less "explosive" words.

8. Take a breather.

What usually happens: We scream and yell, until both of us turn blue and continue this for a few hours.

What to do, instead: Stop and take some kind of time-out. There is no rule that says that you should always come to an agreement in one sitting. It's okay that you make a breather and return to this issue in a couple of hours, or even tomorrow.

The only thing you must not forget to do is to make sure that you come back and decide the dispute. The proposal for a break should not be used as an excuse to end the dispute on anything!

9. Look for a compromise.

What usually happens: We express only our point of view, not listening to the partner's point of view. Quarrel turns into a monologue, pouring offenses.

What should I do instead: First, say it out for yourself (it's you who started the argument), and then let me speak out to the other. Ask questions yourself, provoke frank discussion of the problem. Only this way you can come to a common view of something. Compromise is the main goal of all conflicts on earth.

10. Do not threaten!

What usually happens: Actually, it's not quite usual, but it happens. You start blackmailing your partner: "If not ... then I'll divorce you, take the child away, you'll never see him!" There are other options.

What to do instead: Everything that is described above. Never threaten! This is not a way out, but only a source of anger, aggression and insincerity. You can for a while "knock out" the victory in the dispute, but she, believe me, will be short-lived and will not bring you satisfaction. The end of such disputes is always the same - the gap. Do not bring it to this!

To quarrel correctly is an art. But, having mastered these simple rules one day, you will save your nerves and your union for a long time. You can not lose friends and not quarrel with relatives. And this is the main thing in the life of each of us.