Phases of experiences after divorce

After a divorce, it usually takes a long time to survive, accept and understand all that has happened, to realize it and its role in it. At first it is painful to understand that everything you conceived as a path to love, fortunately, those relationships in which you and your husband could give each other and the world the best that is in you turned into an evil one, unworthy of both of you and the name itself - a family. If the family life lasted a long time, had emotional, psychological, spiritual significance for a person, then an unexpected gap is always the stress experienced by him as grief. These experiences have several phases. If your divorce was just such a character, especially painfully experienced, then depending on the phase in which you are now, the recommendations of psychologists relevant to your state will help you.

The time frames of the phases are conditional, since the divorce and the relations preceding it can be confusing, full of hope and despair, succeeding each other. Therefore, some phases can be delayed.

The initial phase is a shock
Most likely, you have already experienced this phase. It usually lasts from several minutes to several months, but more often - about 10-12 days. At this time it is not easy to understand and believe in what happened. It is related to the fact that you learned about the treason, that your husband decided to divorce. Or maybe it started when you gave your consent to a divorce, but still could not realize how it happened. At this time, the presence near you of someone from friends and close people can help. If you succeed in telling someone about what happened or alone, expressing your feelings, maybe weeping - you can feel that you are feeling better and that another phase has begun.

The phase of suffering
On average, it lasts 8-9 weeks. This is the time of emotional quivers and experiences. The feeling of devastation and senselessness of life, resentment, loneliness, doom, fear, excitement and helplessness are sharply manifested. A woman left alone after a divorce, break with her beloved, usually experiences many conflicting feelings.

If you are now experiencing this critical period of your life, then you probably know a variety of feelings that seem to have become entangled in one moving tangle. Perhaps this is a sense of guilt for everything that happened, because you did not keep your husband, did not keep your family, perhaps you recall the insults that you caused in anger. This and the remaining pain you have, resentment, bewilderment.

Probably, now you understand with the mind that it is necessary to see all that happened in a more constructive light, but so far feelings are overwhelming you very often and prevent you from understanding yourself. But your emotions are normal in this abnormal situation. Try to realize, to see from the side of your experiences. At the moment, you can very help friends, family, who are ready to listen to you. Try to speak out, do not hold your feelings in yourself, otherwise they can stay in your heart for a long time and echo, prevent you from building a relationship with someone you love in the future.

The strong sense of guilt experienced during this period is an extremely unproductive feeling. These experiences can become destructive if they are carried away without measure. Psychologists working with people who are going through a divorce have found that spiritual torment ends when a person stops blaming himself for failure and understands that two people are needed to bring the family to ruin. You and your ex-husband had the most good intentions, everyone dreamed and was waiting for happiness for both of you. But initially you chose different directions, which was not even suspected. If you understand this, then get rid of feelings of hatred and anger, and throw them out of the heart is simply necessary, otherwise life will look like a nightmare. Digging in past grievances and quarrels can bring only endless torment to you and everyone around you.

Do not concentrate only on yourself and your experiences. Remember that next to you there are people who are also not easy. This and your children, who are seriously experiencing what is happening. Do not get carried away offense and remember that children need a father whom they love. Therefore, assure them that they will be able to see their dad quite often. It's hard now for your parents and the parents of your ex-husband.

In such moments, it is important to begin to make plans for the future life, to seek support in yourself.

Phase of residual phenomena
It lasts about a year after the divorce. At this stage, the experience of grief now does not dominate, it sometimes appears in the form of aftershocks. The reason for them is meeting with her husband, some events ("the first birthday without him," "the first summer without him").

The difficulty of experiencing after the divorce is also that there are a lot of reminders about the husband - common friends, relatives, the opportunity to talk on the phone at any time, to meet. On the one hand, these are heavy reminders of loss, and on the other - the opportunity to gradually get used to the new relationship. When a person dies, after a while, the loved ones have memories of his best qualities, it helps to survive his death with kind feelings in the heart. Divorce, however, is more complicated by the fact that idealization, concentrating on the best qualities of the husband does not happen so often and not soon.

Unfortunately, a woman in this position is usually full of feelings that can be devastating, both to others and to herself. If there is a rival, then it causes jealousy and fury - at least, there is someone to blame: lured, twisted, seduced, bewitched, withdrew ... Much more painful when a man simply leaves. Not to the rival, but to "nowhere." This means that he does not want to live with you at all, as they say. He alone is better. Such divorces are deeply destructive for a woman, especially if she is constantly trying to understand, why did she suddenly leave for such a reason? Than not pleased? What did not finish? Or gave too much, "strangled in the arms," ​​not letting her breathe? For a woman, such a divorce can be a very serious factor undermining her self-confidence. A complex can be created, an idea of ​​one's own rejection, the impossibility of happiness. This must be avoided. On the one hand, of course, it is worthwhile to analyze soberly what processes were secretly happening in the family, how the relationship was changing, and why, a person with a lot of experience, did not notice this? Or did not want to notice? On the other hand, it is necessary to save oneself from depression, insecurity, anguish, try to see in what happened the test and experience, the opportunity to rethink the former and start a new life. Who knows, maybe it will not be worse, but even better than the previous one.

Completion phase
It comes about a year later. Characteristic for this period is that, remembering about the break, a woman is no longer experiencing grief, and sadness is a very different feeling.

Gradually, time heals all wounds. And over time, you become accustomed to coping with all problems alone and rejoice, you feel satisfied that you succeed, your self-esteem is restored. And in this case, usually a year or two again, there is a need for a new love.