"Jealous - it means love" - so says the people's wisdom. Well, there is some truth in this. But what if the husband controls every step you take? Only your own suspicions can be worse. What is jealousy, why does this feeling prevent us from living and how to cope with such emotions? Psychology of family relations: jealousy - the topic of today's frank conversation ...
"I'm afraid of losing him," "I think he does not like me any more," "If he stops loving me, my life will end," "I do not want to be left alone," "He's so cute, and there are so many single women around ..." - this is how women usually explain their emotions. Men less often talk about their fear and more often mention their rights ("She is my wife, and therefore must take my opinion"). But psychologists say: they are cunning and those, and others ... The true causes of jealousy lie in our subconscious.
Why are we jealous?
There is no definite answer to this question. Someone is not confident in themselves and constantly compares themselves with other people ("She is so beautiful, now he will fall in love with her and leave me"). Someone is afraid of loneliness and social insecurity ("Without a husband, I will not live"). Someone gives the will of possessive feelings or fantasies ("What if he has a novel on the side?"). And someone simply repeats the pattern of behavior of their parents ... There may be many reasons. The main thing is different: paradoxically, jealousy is a normal human feeling, which, however, should be controlled. The most important thing is to realize that you are both free, self-sufficient people who decided to be together. Why should you change your mind and offend each other with mutual distrust ?!
If you are jealous
" When Kolya and I first met, it seemed to me that he was crazy about me, " says 31-year-old Karina. - However, he soon said that just two weeks before the meeting with me broke up with his girlfriend. At first I did not attach much importance to this story. Moreover, within half a year in every way helped him to survive the gap. We constantly talked about his former relations, discussed his ex-girlfriend ... Finally, I realized that we are not two, but three ... And literally went mad: I collected a whole dossier on this innocent girl, became watch her, read her online diary. I was terribly jealous. Every time he dialed a friend of the SMS , I thought he was in correspondence with her. I had to pull myself together and throw the whole story out of my head. We have been together for three years, and now there is no reason for jealousy . "
Karina did absolutely right! Very few people are able to independently understand the problem and solve it. Usually this is the main problem of family relations. Women tend to exaggerate, and therefore in no case should you allow fantasy to drive you into a corner.
HOW TO RUN?
1. Do not ask about the past. How much can you discuss your girlfriend's ex-girlfriend ?! Yes, he loved her. You need to accept and realize this. But now he is with you. Live for today.
2. Discard the surveillance. Everyone has the right to privacy. And so stop reading her husband's email and check his SMS. In the end, even if your partner is very cute with the secretary Lenochka, it does not mean that he is sleeping with her. Guided by the rule: less you know - better sleep.
3. Love yourself. By the way, the main reason for jealousy is low self-esteem. Before you suspect a loved one in all serious, think about yourself. Why should he change you? Take a piece of paper and write 20 (not less) of your "pluses". Read them aloud at least 10 times and make sure that there is not anything better in the world.
4. Take care of yourself. Instead of tormenting yourself with guesswork, release the problem and switch to something else. For example, to care for your own appearance. How long have you been in the fitness center? And at a reception with a cosmetologist? Do this and do it. Your husband will certainly notice your efforts.
5. Confess your husband to everything. If you have a really close relationship with your spouse, ask him to help you. Perhaps discussing the problem, you will come to the fact that you are not worried about his possible novel on the side, but that you are not often together. This also needs to be changed.
If you are jealous
The inexorable statistics is this: men are more jealous than women, despite the fact that they change three times more often. "After five years of living together with Igor, I filed for divorce, " says the 27-year-old Katya. " I love him so far, but, unfortunately, I can not bear the outbursts of his groundless jealousy." While I was sitting in the decree, everything was fine, but when I went to work, how Igor's behavior radically changed. When I stayed in the office for only 10 minutes, he began to accuse me of treason. He began to control every step I took: he came to work for me, allowed me to wear only approved clothes, forbade him to paint. I could not bear it! "
Catherine's case is very typical. Most likely, it's not that her husband does not trust her. He is afraid of losing power over it, as well as his status as a family breadwinner. Very often jealousy is hidden behind jealousy. Successful career of his wife, her ability to find a common language with colleagues, her popularity in the team - all this can cause such behavior of her husband.
HOW TO RUN?
1. Do not give a reason. It is dangerous to cause jealousy consciously. What will your spouse do? Will it grab a knife or run to write a divorce statement? Do not test your loved ones for "strength." In fact, it is often these "checks" that lead to irreparable consequences.
2. Do not make excuses. The more you blush and babble something in your defense, the stronger the jealousy's confidence in your sins. Best defense is attack. And therefore, contrast him with his accusations: "How could you think such a thing! Do you doubt my feelings? "True, it is not necessary to abuse these phrases. A sense of guilt is not the best basis for a strong marriage.
3. Resist. Do not let the jealous raise your hand, scream or insult you. Do not cry or be silent. Always give clear and confident answers. you must let the spouse understand that you are a person. Do not let me wipe my feet.
4. Remember the alibi. Of course, you are not the heroine of a cheap detective, but what if your beloved is jealous and suspicious, like Othello himself. If you value your relationship, be attentive to your partner: try not to linger in the evenings, call, leave notes. It is better to warn in advance than to justify yourself later.
5. Go for compromises. If the spouse is aware of his jealousy and is ready to fight it, discuss what is most troubling him. Give each other solemn promises: he will not torture you with interrogations, and you will dig your mini-skirt in the garden.
6. Consult a physician. By the way, psychologists believe that the pathological form of jealousy is similar in its symptoms to psychosis. In this case, doctor's help is necessary! In the psychology of family relations, jealousy is the most common reason for the development of mental pathologies.
7. Praise your husband. If the cause of jealousy is low self-esteem of your husband, the best prevention is compliments. Is he not worthy of them? Praise his work, his salary, his appearance and internal qualities. In this case, he will have no reason neither to be jealous of you, nor to envy you.
From extreme to extreme
7% of all people on earth suffer from pathological jealousy. They are convinced that their partners are changing it, and that's why they themselves falsify facts and misunderstand any views and phrases. The meaning of their lives is to prove the infidelity of the loved one (s) and to take revenge on her or him.
50% of the inhabitants of our planet (mostly men) are emotionally cold people. They try to suppress in themselves almost all feelings (including jealousy). However, they can hardly be called happy. Refusing negative emotions, they stop experiencing and positive. Many of them can not fall in love and have a family.
Scary facts
* 35% of men and 28% of women are terrible jealous.
* Jealous people live 10 years less because of constant anxiety, they suffer heart diseases and nervous disorders more often. Three out of four jealous people suffer from insomnia.
* Jealousy is on the second place among the reasons of marital scandals (on the first - quarrels over money).
* Fat people are often victims of their own jealousy. A long sense of anxiety is reflected in the activity of the think tank that regulates appetite.
* About 20% of all domestic killings are committed on the basis of jealousy.