You did not think about it, but here you are: the beloved made a "surprise" or you need to learn the role of stepfather ... A painful choice - who to be: the Pope "involuntarily" or "by conviction"? And how to become a real father? The ways of forming readiness for paternity can help in this.
Unplanned pregnancy
In a man's life there are a couple of phrases that can drive into a stupor - and this despite their predictability. For example: "Something I do not remember you in the lectures ... How will we pass the exam?" Or "You have a summons from the military registration and enlistment office, sign it." And especially: "Dear, you will soon become a dad!" How so ?! You only wanted to live there: I got a good job, I planned a kayak trip (for the whole summer), I dreamed of a new car ... And you are offered to devote the near future to pregnant tensions (friends told me what it is), rocking the screaming baby at night and an endless change of diapers.
Not fair! What to do?!
Such a reaction for men is typical, because their father's instinct they do not absorb with the mother's milk (as opposed to the fair sex). On the one hand, you can rely on the fact that sooner or later the instinct will manifest itself - for years to 35-40, because, according to scientists, it is during this period that the level of the hormone oxytocin, responsible for paternal feelings, reaches its highest point. However, in a situation where paternity is inevitably approaching, it would not hurt to act more actively. For example, to start to understand.
"Papal" fears
I'm still so young (not only in 20, but also in 30 years)! Parties before the morning, spontaneous trips to the "edge of the world" and communication with bachelor friends will have to be canceled ... forever?
I'm not ready financially: the prospect of working "for three" pleases few. And if you still have to spend the lion's share of income on children's rubbish ...
With a child so hard! "Compensated" children comrades for certain colorfully described these "horrors": colic, teething, change the appearance of his wife. And it's usual to think: "Thank God, it's not with me" - it will not work any more. Perhaps it is. Or maybe not: it is your baby who will quickly fall asleep and welcome canoeing trips ... and his wife instead of extra pounds after birth will "grow" a chic breasts. And in general, all the difficulties are temporary - unlike the love that the child gives!
Mother's role
Prepare your father for a new role gradually. Do not bring down an avalanche of information about pregnancy and babies at once. But do not let him get away, only love engenders love.
Offer examples of joyful parenting for ways of forming readiness for paternity. Look at the guests to friends who grow the coveted kids - without straining. And the husband will understand: children are not a disaster!
Demonstrate your love! Often a man experiences: "Now I'm a" third extra ", all her thoughts and feelings now belong to the child." But this is not so!
Second Dad
The child already is - this is a plus. So, you can not worry about sleepless nights, gruel and diapers. But the problems from this are not less. A child is someone else's ... but should become a native! After all, this is a child favorite! Yes, only his character is bad: everyone takes a hostile attitude, at every step he wants to be annoyed, desperately jealous of his mother. How to figure out the puzzle? Or maybe, on the dreams of a happy life, put a fat cross?
Of course, it's not easy to get used to a little man who grew up without your participation, did not inherit your features ... And yet, do not be discouraged: often it is the person who brings up the child, gives him his attitude to the world around, makes him a continuation of himself - it becomes truly native! Of course, it's easier to cope with this if you "got" the baby. But with a militant teenager you can find a contact - there would be a desire. Slyukat and do not exactly ask - a loving dad can and should be strict (rightly). It is important to find common ground, common affairs - it is not so difficult, if a man is moved by a sincere love for a woman (and the child - as its continuation). Do not hide from your child your deep feelings for his mother - at first it is the only thing that unites you with the child and which you can rely on to establish relationships.
Problem moments
The child's father "puts the wheels in the wheel" - in the case when the couple divorced, but did not separate, that is, still emotionally significant to each other. Try to keep cool - the position of mutual irrigation with mud is unlikely to add credibility to you in the eyes of the child for modern ways of forming readiness for paternity. Ideally, it would be good to become with the father of the child not rivals, but business partners in the matter of educating the heir. Dividends, then you have in common - the happiness and well-being of the child.
A common baby was born: it became possible to compare "someone else's" and "one's own", unconsciously giving preference to the second. As a result - a sense of guilt and the desire to equalize the love of children (which is impossible a priori). The right strategy: just love them - albeit in different ways (this is normal!), Try to pay equal attention, for example, attracting the elder to caring for the baby - but without pressure!
Mother's role
The cohesion of the relationship between the child and stepfather is largely determined by the principles you followed in the process of raising a son or daughter. If you were everything to the child, lived for him, he will be indignant at the thought that my mother dared to wish for something personal - she exchanged it for some uncle and now cares about him! If you raised a child to your favorite song of single mothers "All the peasants - its ...", the child will try to warn her mother from the wrong step or despise: "It turns out she is also going to deal with this" disgusting "! Draw conclusions.
Many women experience panic fear of unscheduled pregnancy, including, and because of fears that the partner will take the news in a negative light.
Not everything is so bad! According to a study conducted by American sociologists, more than half of the men interviewed (under the age of 30!) Would be happy to learn about the pregnancy of their half - albeit out of the plan.
Traditional ideas about male and female roles: they are passed on to the child in the process of education, and very often the boy hears from childhood: "Why these veal tenderness?", "Only girls are playing dolls!" Is it any wonder that, as an adult, he thinks fuss with the baby is not a man's concern?
Social expectations: not so long ago in society there was a disdainful attitude towards men who are engaged in housekeeping and children (which was reflected in the nicknames "woman", "rag", "not a man"). The model of the "conscious pope" has become socially approved literally in the last decade.
Dogma about the unconditional maternal priority in the development of the child.
For an industrial society, when the role of the father was reduced to the functions of "breadwinner and breadwinner", this, indeed, is quite typical. However, do not forget that a couple of centuries ago, fathers worked near the house (in the shop or workshop) took the direct involvement in the upbringing of the offspring! For millennia, patriarchal culture has defined the father as the most competent parent responsible for what kind of people his children eventually grow up. And, by the way, all moralizing books on education (such as "Domostroy") were addressed specifically to the fathers!
To become a good father, you need:
Take up the running. Activity in matters related to the development and upbringing of the child is a guarantee that everything will work out (albeit not immediately).
To practice. Paternity is not a status, it's a job! Skills that are developed in the activity (do not know - ask, read, ask to show).
Find your style. It is not necessary to copy the manner of the wife's behavior, it is better to try to "fill in the blanks": the mother concentrates on the emotional development of the child - add physical exertion; on the spouse educational function - take on "entertaining", etc.
Be not only an assistant, but also a partner. The traditional attitude to the father as a protector and substitute for the mother is a thing of the past, the modern pope in all home-educational affairs is competent on a par with!
To give the family attention and time. Even if you are very busy! The fact that the "close circle" is a priority is no longer in doubt. The family is what will always remain with you - and from your attention (sometimes in real trivialities!) The world and peace in the house largely depends.
Readiness for parenting is not a biological instinct, but a stage of a person's maturity: a person wants to materialize the overwhelming love in a new life. The fact that for men and women the readiness for parenting has specific characteristics is a delusion.
It is about the personality of a person in his willingness to become a parent and those internal attitudes that contribute to / hinder it. The images of the future father and mother lay the personal experience of interaction with their own father and mother, each of which contributes: father - embodying authority and orientation to the outside world, the mother - transferring the ability to develop the inner world of feelings.
The birth of a child is the mystery of Nature, and if Nature preserves pregnancy, even if it is unplanned, it is a sign: you are worthy of continuation. Do not disappoint her with your irresponsibility.